and it lives with me every single day. Until I can get her out of my fucking head the pain will still remain, I think as I begin to write this.
“Stop…Please…I’m sorry!” I screamed. My face was down buried into the carpet. It was ruff on my face. Tears poured from my eyes with each hit and even more between.
“You’re not sorry!” She yelled back at me, slapping the belt across my lower back. With each hit my muscles tightened. I didn’t know where she would hit next. She had started on my butt then made her way up and down my backside. Then the hittings went to my legs.
I rolled over onto my side and into the fetal position, but that didn’t stop her. The belt came straight down onto my side. I grabbed it screaming.
Begging her to stop.
I was sorry I was so very sorry.
“Turn back over or it’s going to be a lot worse!” I looked up out of the corner of my eye. The ceiling fan was right above her twirling around, my eyes were so wet all I could see was the outline of her hair…then the belt raising back up.
I quickly turned back onto my stomach, tightened my muscles once again.
She was hitting my legs more with this beating. I had on a pair of shorts which made it worse. My face buried back into the carpet, making it harder to breathe, but I didn’t care. I wanted to stop breathing. I wanted to die. I didn’t want to live with her another day. I held my breath as she continued to smack me with the belt. My lower back burned, and my hamstrings started to get used to it. My mind however would never seem to understand or get used to it.
“please stop” I kept crying.
“That’s your fucking problem. You think you can have things exactly how you want them! But you can’t! You understand me? Do you? You are a no good little liar is what you are!”
For that moment she was yelling her words, the beating had stopped. I thought during that time, that was going to be it.
I grabbed my back, turning my head to the side realizing I couldn’t kill myself by holding in air, so I breathed…I gasped.
My back burned and it was wet. I was sweating. I didn’t feel well at all. My fingers rested lightly on my back as I continued to hear her words of hate.
Smack! The belt went across my hands causing me to sit up and hold them…They stung.
“Oh my God, what are doing to me?” I cried.
She took her foot and kicked me back down.
“Lay the fuck down, keep your hands underneath you damnit!”
I began to get dizzy. I was confused and disoriented. I put my hands softly underneath my stomach as I began to lay there taking long deep breaths. It won’t last forever, I told myself. She will tire soon. She isn’t built like you. She is lazy, she will give up. I closed my eyes and felt more tears run down the side of my nose. I became lifeless and she finally stopped. I didn’t want to open my eyes. I was afraid I would see her. I listened to her footsteps leaving the room. She went to the kitchen and I could hear her getting ice out of the freezer. For a second I thought she was getting ice for me. She isn’t that bad, she is just trying to teach me a lesson. She loves me, she is getting me ice for my wounds. I opened my eyes as I heard her pop open a diet coke can. I heard it pour over the ice and then she yelled out to her husband,
“we need more diet coke when you go to the store”
I should have known, but I was young and wanted to be loved so bad. Even it was by her. I would have loved her so much. I did love her.
She walked back into the living room and told me to stand up. I did. But I feared what would happen when I did. So I did it slowly. She sat in front of me on the couch, and I backed away a few steps, separating us even more. I still didn’t feel safe with her sitting. As she stared at me and I looked into her eyes, I knew she hated me. I wasn’t sure why, but I knew.
“I love you, and I’m very sorry” I said to her quietly.
My legs were weak. They still burned, but I was numb at this point.
“You go over and you tell Nathan that we appreciate his help, and give him this money.” She held out thirty dollars and I reached for it. She didn’t let go.
“You’ll never lie again will you?”
“No mam” I said.
Earlier that day there was somewhere I wanted to go. She had told me as long as you get all the yard work done, you can do what ever you want. She made it hard on me since our riding lawn mower was broke. She knew it would be a challenge and most likely I wouldn’t be able to finish it in time for my plans. I was going to have to push mow the whole thing and weed eating was part of it. We had a huge back yard. It would take at least four hours of solid pushing to finish it. My good friend and neighbor I went to school with , Nathan came outside and asked me why I was push mowing.
“Our riding lawn mower is broke.” I said to him. “It really stinks cause I was wanting to go somewhere, and she told me I couldn’t go until all the yard work is done, so I guess I probably won’t be able to go now.”
He looked at me in disbelief. He knew how mean she could be so we would always hang out over at his house when she was home.
“I’ll help you, My riding lawn mower aint broke!” he laughed.
“really?” I asked.
“Sure, I aint doing anything today.”
With in minutes he was over there helping. I did all the weed eating and pulled weeds from the flower bed on each side of the house. I dreamed of Nathan being my husband one day saving me from her.
We had it done in less than two hours. I was thrilled. I got ready and me and my sister left.
When I arrived back home the sun was starting to go down.
I walked into the house and there she was sitting and starring…like I had done something wrong.
“You mow the yard today?” She asked.
“yes, can’t you tell?” I replied.
“you mowed it?” She asked again.
“Yes.”
“Get your fucking ass outside!” she yelled as she pushed me through the kitchen and out the back door. We stood on the back porch over looking the yard. I couldn’t figure out for the life of me what she was getting at. The yard looked great. There weren’t any weeds left around the house. I made sure it was done right.
“So you mowed the yard today huh?” She sarcastically said as we made our way down to the freshly mowed yard.
She pointed her finger to the ground then grabbed the back of my neck forcing my body to go down. She buried my face into the ground.
“you see this you little liar? You see this?”
I was so confused. I didn’t understand.
“This is a fucking tire mark that doesn’t belong to us. Our tires on the push mower aren’t that big! Now you want to tell me that you mowed it?”
She let go of me and I stood back up.
“Nathan helped me. He didn’t mind really. I didn’t understand your question. I thought you meant did I get it done. I’m sorry.”
“Yeah, you’ll be sorry alright. Get you ass in the house.”
the aftermath -
When my shaking legs made it across the yard to Nathan’s to give him the money I could still smell the carpet.
He opened the door.
“Are you okay?”
“oh, I’m fine, hey, here is some money for helping me mow the yard today. I really am grateful.”
“I don’t want any money. It was no trouble.” I tried not to cry as he seen I was hurting.
“No, Nathan, you don’t understand, I need you to please take this money. Please. I’ll see you later.” I shoved the money towards him my legs still trying to give out. I turned and started walking away.
“Oh My God, What did she do to you!” He screamed.
“Your legs are black and you are bleeding!”
I turned and looked the best I could at my hamstrings. They were cut, swollen, bleeding and bruised. I was embarrassed and started once again walking towards my house. My home. This is my life. My family is in there and they won’t even notice me coming back in.
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