Writer

Sugar Daddy Want Add

2008-11-21T15:41:55-05:00

HONEST SUGARDADDY NEEDED TO FULLFILL SUGARDADDY DUTIES

I’ve grown tired of my usual writing spot, so I’ve moved from the chase to the couch. Sitting here with my snow boots on (no it’s not snowing, I’m playing pretend) I’ve got them up on the couch. I’d never do this if anyone was home. Against house rules. Footwear does not go on the couch! (unless it’s me and no one is home that is)

I’ve decided to post a sugar daddy want add.
Don’t hate. Lol
I would never be able to have a real sugar daddy for I would feel bad for taking his money. But let’s just say for a moment I could do it. What kind of sugar daddy would I want? There are so many types you know?

Dear soon to be sugar daddy

I’m cute and sweet. But you needn’t worry about my looks as much as my brains. You won’t be seeing me that often because I’ll be living in a little cottage on the beach that you will buy for me as soon as we sign the sugar daddy for life contract. In this cottage I will be writing for a living. Yes, I’ll work. I’m not lazy. I want to work. Your not going to mind me working either. You are going to be thrilled that I like to work.

The money I make will go towards my daughter who is eight. I’ll provide for her, but you will provide for me. You will get the opportunity to meet my family which at the time you will pass no judgment, nor at anytime feel sorry for me or them. We are great people who know how to survive the most tragic cases of disappointment we call “life”

There is no need for me to meet your family. I’ll not be spending any holidays with them. Holidays will be spent with my family, on a cruise in which you will pay for half of if not all expenses. You do not have to join us on the cruise, yet are welcome almost anytime you would like as long as I have a three month notice in writing sent to the cottage you are paying for.
A few of my sisters smoke pot, and I will not include their fee for drugs in those expenses. Although, you will be gracious enough to pay any bar tab we run while we are setting out on the ocean waters.

I’m a little person. Not midget little but tiny in size. But if I said I was a midget, you wouldn’t mind, because you would love me no matter what. Right? Right!
My point is though, I still like to eat even though I’m tiny. I like steak, potatoes, salads, fried foods..la la la I like food. So I expect to have plenty of it in my kitchen at all times.
No you don’t have to do the grocery shopping, just provide the money. Consider it a Sugar Daddy Food Stamp Card.

I’m not good at asking for things so we have to get a certain amount of money lined up each month that would provide not only me with the necessities but also charity funds.
I’m a giver.
I like to give, even if it’s your money I’m giving with.
If you have a charity in mind, please share with me the details.
We can discuss the amount upon our first initial meeting.

If you would like my company to meetings or any dinner parties, I’ll be glad to join you. Once again, I need three months notice. Written notice that is. Everything we do, will be in contract form.
If I decide to join you for these gatherings, I will not be anyone other than myself. I will warn you though, I’m a lot of fun and may steal the show after a few drinks.

I promise to always respect you and be gracious towards you. I will not be controlled, yelled at, lied to or treated like a piece of meat.
Which brings me to my next issue.

Sexual favors.
There will be none. I have a toy.
Enough said.

IF you are married you are not eligible for responding to this add. Submit your essay on how you would like to be a lifetime sugar daddy and how you feel you are most qualified. There is a Two hundred and fifty dollar reading fee I require for my time.

All participants that do not win will receive fifty dollars back along with their rejected essay.

Thank you for your time, and good luck. I hope I choose you to be my lifetime sugar daddy!

Ki Writer

BASKET O LAUNDRY

2008-11-20T22:07:57-05:00

HANDLE WITH CARE

One thing is for certain. If you want me to get things done around the house, just piss me off real good and instead of ranting and raving I’ll find something to clean or organize.

So yes, I got pissed off tonight.
I know, I know, a lady shouldn’t use such fowl language. But right now, I declare myself a semi-lady at this time. So bare with me.

The husband said his words, I calmly said mine. We hugged. Said I love you. But it wasn’t over in my mind. So I searched the apartment looking for something to do.

Dishes? No! He cooked, he can clean the kitchen.
Bathroom? No, I’m not that pissed.

Organize the closet. Yes!
There in the closet was a basket of misc. items of clothing. Little of this, little of that. I have a box started for the goodwill, I’m sure I can find stuff in here to depart from I thought as I dragged the basket into the living room.

Why I needed to be in the living room I haven’t a clue, but that is where I was drawn to.

Basket O’ Laundry

Inside I found my University of Kentucky t-shirt.

I miss Kentucky right now.

I found some shorts that reminded me I have to work real hard this winter so that when summer comes I shall be labeled as a lil lady with no cellulite.

A white sweater that still had wine stain on the wrist sleeve. I can’t depart from this even if it does have a stain. I read the washing instructions…
Handle with care.
Opps too late for that. Done got wine on it!
Maybe I should wear a tag on me when I’m around my husband that says, “handle with care”
Nah, he’d probably just take me to the cleaners, drop me off and wait months to pick me back up.

Hey, there is my Victoria secret bra. It’s not a secret as to where it is anymore! Yay! Not sure why I got so excited about finding it. I can’t wear it. Stupid wire is coming out of it. The last time I wore it, I was certain I was going to have to have the wire removed by a surgical doctor. It went into my side. Digging into my skin. I kept moving it out of my skin and forced it back into the hole it came out of. I’d take a few steps and it came right back out.
Give this to goodwill?
No, I’ll sew it in there so I can keep it. Makes my boobs look nice. Hell any bra makes them look nice, it’s what they look like without one that scares the shit out of me.
(KI thinks: ladies don’t talk about their breast to strangers and apologizes quickly)

I throw a hand towel across the room. It looks used. Needs to be washed.
I hate to think why it was crusty. Lol

Continuing to dig, I find shirts, shorts, jeans, belts…

I even found a garden glove. It is hot pink with John Deere embroidered on it.
Whose is this?
Oh wait, it’s mine.
I had a garden? When?
Oh yeah…I did.
“I had a garden once…back in the day…when I had a life.” I sang out loud hoping Barry would hear me.

Can’t give just one glove to the goodwill. That’s just wrong. I’ll have to find the other one. Maybe I left it at my garden.

There is my Easter dress. The one I searched and worried about. I wanted to find the perfect dress for Easter Sunday. We were doing the 5:30 am service at church with my husbands mother. I wanted to look nice. I worried myself sick trying to make sure I found one that would make me look mature enough for him, but young enough to be fun.
Stupid dress. I showed up and everyone was wearing jeans.

Uh oh..Granny panties.
Huge granny panties.
I held them up.
High in the air.
As if I was proud and showing the world.

I decided to keep them for emergency panties or as I like to call them…Period Panties. (chum panties)

I stood up and looked at the stuff I had decided to give away to goodwill and was happy with my decision.

I wasn’t pissed anymore with him.

I was pissed cause I need some new clothes.

GIVING

2008-11-19T09:58:53-05:00

“You can’t have a perfect day without doing something for someone who’ll never be able to repay you.”

— John Wooden

How about them apples?

That’s what I’m talking about right there!

It's programmed in us all to give, give, give!

Giving

Now, If you’ll excuse me, I’m on my way to make my day perfect. Somehow. Someway.

Why I don't write poems

2008-11-18T09:24:40-05:00

Bangs Bangs go away.
I need a major haircut these days.

Tired and drained time after time
Busting my ass to make that dime

I hate writing poems so I’m confused as why
On this Tuesday morning I’m giving it a try

Sitting watching the news for it’s the same old thing
Glancing down I notice my wedding ring

I quickly turn my eyes for I hate to see
What a fool he is making me be

But we aren’t getting into that again now are we?
Absolutely not, I must stay focused so that I may see…

Today I’ll work and watch people come and go
With the nonchalant attitude of a major “So?”

Talk to me about something that matters and catches my heart
Write me a letter or draw me some art

Either way, like I said before, I hate writing poems
Today…and forevermore.

La la la
Blah blah blah

The End

I rock.

Cooking With Ki

2008-11-16T16:23:16-05:00

Orange Juice Cake With Ki

Here is a step by step guide to making the best Orange Juice Cake in the whole entire world! I’m not Playing.
If you follow these steps you will have people standing before you in awe with cake crumbs falling out of their mouth as they try to stuff more in and their eyes opened wide then suddenly they begin to dance around you snapping their fingers and singing, “oh my, oh my, you can make some of the best Orange Juice Cake ever!”

But you must follow the step -by -step process or I’m afraid your cake may not be the best it can be.

Tip one- Find a day you want to make this amazing mouthwatering cake. Allot yourself at least two hours of time. No it doesn’t take that long to make, but by the time you go to the grocery to buy the ingredients it may indeed at up to two hours.

Tip two -Shower before you go to the grocery. Make this a day where you dress in your best and look great. After all, you are making the best cake in the world today. So look your best.

Tip three - Don’t tell a soul about your cake making plans until it’s all over. Don’t share your experience until it’s all said and done. Make this an experience for you only until it’s finished, then you can do the best thing ever by surprising someone special with this mouthwatering cake..did I already say mouthwatering..oh yes, I did. Sorry about that.

Tip four - No TV. during the cake making process. Orange Juice Cake is a very special cake like no other so it doesn’t need any negative energy flowing into the batter. No telephone. No computer.
“But I have to have something to do while it‘s baking” you say. First, stop your whining. Second,
I understand this, I feel the same way when I make my way into the kitchen. So what I suggest is have your favorite cd playing in the background and a few blogs you have printed and been dying to read.

CAKE DAY

What you have to buy if you don’t already have it

1 pkg. yellow butter cake mix
1 c. orange juice (no pulp)
1/2 c. oil
1 stick of butter
4 eggs

Nuts Nuts Nuts - If you like nuts a lot, you’ll need 1 cup
If you like them somewhat, you’ll need ½ cup
If you absolutely hate nuts, please by all means, don’t use them.

Pam. - No this is not a woman named Pam. This is a cooking spray for baking.
Bundt pan. -Round Pan with a middle that comes up like a volcano.
Mine is green. You can pick whatever color you like. As long as you like it, it will turn out great.

Before you begin find a mirror and tell yourself the following

1) I’m about to make the best orange juice cake in the entire world
2) wow, I look pretty today. (if your male, use the word handsome)
3.) While I’m making this cake I will decide who I am going to share it with. I will not, I repeat will not eat this cake all by myself. This cake needs to be shared with others!

4.) I sure look cute today. (if your male, say nice)

You may leave the mirror. (do not check out your backside when you walk away..you have to focus!) Now get to the kitchen. Don’t forget your music!

Turn your oven on to 325. (if you don't have an oven, you don't need to read any further.) lol
Spray your bundt pan with pam. All over.
Grab your nuts (if your male, I’m talking about the ones you bought) and spread them into the bottom of the pan.

Take all of the other ingredients which are the EGGS, CAKE MIX, OIL and mix them together. It’s not time for the orange juice just yet. (do not put shells from eggs back into carton. Discard them. The trash can is right there. Don‘t be lazy)

Pour into pan over those nuts.
Put into oven and begin baking. Bake for about…uh..let’s see..check it around 45 to 50 minutes later…
Now is a good time to start thinking of whom you are going to share this with.
Now is a good time to sit relax and reflect.

Glaze….½ cup of orange juice and 1 stick of butter. Bring to boil and stir. Since this only takes a few minutes, do this after you have pulled the pan out of the oven.

Let the pan sit for a bit. Like twenty or thirty minutes. Find you a nice plate, or cake dish to turn your cake upside down onto. Uh, don’t forget to use pot holders and stuff. Pans right out of the oven are typically hot.

When your cake slides out onto the plate...
Smile. Big. And say “wow, that looks amazing.” then proceed to pour the glaze onto the orange juice cake.

Congratulations! I hope it turns out wonderful. This is a great cake to give away for “just because” reasons.

Or a great Thanksgiving Dessert.

Let me know how your experience goes if you make it.

Peace and love from my crazy, yet, fun kitchen!

Great Now I'm Talking To Raccoons

2008-11-14T09:51:21-05:00

So we have Raccoons. A Mommy one and baby ones. Now when I say we have raccoons, I don’t mean we have them as pets, friends, or went to get some in the woods to keep as company. They have found us...and just decided to make our attic their home.

First we thought there were squirrels roaming around up there. Then the sound of scratching, digging, and heavy walking…uh..let’s say …caught my attention.

Okay I’m not going to lie…
I was hella scared.
Yes. Hella + Scared = Hella scared.

One night stepping out onto the porch I was greeted and startled by these little baby raccoons. At first I was like "WTHezzie" as I quickly jumped back inside, sliding the glass door shut.

I turned on the porch light to view these little creatures better. Awww … So cute.
Dangerous I know, but not one time did I think, “damn these are some ugly raccoons!”

Then it dawned on me…it was the raccoons that had been hanging out in our attic. Not squirrels.

It’s been weeks now and they seem to be out on the porch every night at the same time. Waiting for me to capture another picture of them. Coming up to the glass door clawing on it as if they were saying,
“Come on out and play Ki”

But I don’t.
I don’t keep Raccoons as friends.
Just can’t make myself do it.

So I watch them and speak to them through the glass, telling them they better hurry on out of here before Barry gets home.

Then they rush off like they know who the hell barry is.
I keep waiting for them to turn around and start waving a paw or something.

What doesn’t work for Raccoons in the aid of getting rid of them is Moth Balls.
I’m 29 years old and never had to buy moth balls.
I never thought that day would come. . . But it did.
Barry threw them all over the attic and within minutes our apartment smelled like…uh…hmmm…moth balls yes. But like old lady home moth balls.

I begged him to crawl up in the attic and remove the 70 or so moth balls he scattered, but he and I both knew it wasn’t going to happen.

“let’s see if the raccoons go away. Give it a night or two.” Barry convinced me.
“fine, but the first time I have someone at work say, I smell moth balls…we are moving!”

That night we laid in bed. Sleeping. Then suddenly we woke up to the sound of those little babies up there playing. Yes they were playing. Moth Ball Baseball Maybe?
Perhaps it was a Moth Ball Bowling League they had going on.

I laughed.
Barry was pissed.

I don’t really want them to go away…They are safe there in my attic and that makes me happy.
But the first time I come home they are chilling on my couch watching Disney Channel,

It’s on!

Socks that say EAT ME...I want some

2008-11-12T09:32:07-05:00

Some lil stuff about the past 24 hours

1.) I found a gyno that actually talked with me in his office before diving in

2.) For a joke I wish I had some socks that said "eat me" to wear during my gyno visit.

3.) The mexicans cut my cable cord yesterday morning forcing me to actually leave the house for something other than a doctors visit or work

4.) I can get lost in the goodwill...picking up on the energy that lingers in the objects I pick up and hold there.

5.) I was oddly relieved when the doctor told me what he found. No wonder I've been so tired and moody.

6.) The size of a golf ball never seemed so big until I considered it chilling on my ovary

7.) I'm going to live...it's a little big golf ball size cyst...which is really big on a little person like me..but really little if you think about a basketball sized cyst.(this is me thinking positive)

8.) more backrubs from the husband because I officially have doctors word, "yes there is a problem" (this is me getting what I deserve)

9.) Amazing how you can get a second wind when someone tells you "You are going to be fine."

10.) That second wind had me cleaning closets, bedrooms, dresser drawers. I may need to hang out with my gyno more often...Wonder if he wants to go sock shopping with me? lol

Goodbye everyone. Have a blessed day and have fun on this fine wednesday! See you soon.

Oh? My Fire, Not Our Fire

2008-11-10T10:35:39-05:00

Dear Barry,

I can’t even imagine why you built me that fire last night. When I took the little one for Ice Cream, picked up your beer and bought my wine, I couldn’t wait to come home so we could enjoy the fire you promised me.

When I walked in the door, it was absolutely wonderful. The heat rushed off the log and filled the air.
Job well done baby. You are so thoughtful.
But wait….
Where are you going?
To the bedroom?
But the fire?
I thought…

When you said you were going to build me a fire, you meant exactly that…Me a fire.
Not us. Oh. I get it.
Foolish of me to think it was going to be us sitting by the fire, laughing, smiling at each other.
Hmm. You would think by now, I would get you.
But I don’t.

So off to the bedroom you went. Leaving me with my glass of wine. Staring into the flames. Leaving me to think more about my life hour glass, alone.

I remember thinking when you came out of the bedroom you were going to sit and hold me.
Just give him a minute, and he will realize what he has done.
But you didn’t. You smiled and headed straight for the kitchen. So I turned my head back to the flames and watched patiently as if I was going to see some kind of smoke signal in a form of a sign to leave you. I watched so hard my eyes began to get sleepy.

That’s fine.
I can’t say I understand, but I can say that is fine.

I enjoyed the fire nevertheless. I will always be grateful for anything anyone does for me. Even if they do it to push me away. I’m grateful.

My Life Hour Glass And Yours

2008-11-09T17:32:41-05:00

With the recent drama in my life, from my aunt being in critical condition to the lesser of my problems, Barry being unfaithful. I’ve come to find myself feeling that my time is near.

I’ve often thought about living a healthy long life, but never truly can believe it. Yes, I’ve seen myself getting old, sitting on a rocking chair on a peaceful Sunday afternoon…but I don’t believe it.

Only God knows when our hour is up. We don’t always know when something will happen to us or our loved ones.
However, I do believe that we have gut feelings that may persuade us to do something out of the ordinary before our passing day.

My aunt, just a few days prior to her accident took a few of her closest friends and MADE them go to lunch with her. They were all busy, yet she demanded they all meet up. Her exact words were, “If we don’t do it now, we never will get around to it.” Being wonderful friends, they met up with her for lunch. They were all at the hospital talking about how coincidental this was….I for one think it was God speaking through her.
Two days before her accident she took my sister out to eat and preached to her about how important family was, and that my sister worked way too much. “Family and Time. That is what is important.” She told her.

And now, here she is on what the Doctors believe is her last days here on earth. Her last hours.

I went and took pictures today with the husband and daughter. I thought about my hours here on earth. I’m not ready to leave this world, because I feel I haven’t even came close to living. But when I imagined my hour glass of life, I was saddened. I believe we have some intuition about our hour glass life and mine wasn’t at all what I wanted to see.

I painted a picture of mine this afternoon and played around with it in Photoshop. And at last…here it is…my life hour glass.

So Tell me...What does your hour glass look like?

*Maybe I should start living and turn it around*

A minute of your time

2008-11-08T11:18:24-05:00

I find myself again turning to you all here at thoughts.

The focus is off of me - this is serious people! Please just take a minute of your time.

I got a phone call yesterday afternoon that my aunt had been in a horrible accident in Kentucky. My aunts name is Jane. She has two grown children who there by her side as I write this to you all.

My aunt Jane is a woman of faith. She is a wonderful person who would go out of her way to either help you herself or inform you that God is by your side.

At this time I’m asking for all of your prayers for her. The doctors said that with the amount of damage done to her frontal lobe and the base of the brain she wouldn’t make it through last night -

I grabbed my bible and began to pray!

She made it through the night!

She is an outstanding woman God, the world still needs her.
I believe God can heal her at this moment with our prayers. I know it’s hard to pray sometimes for people we don’t know anything about - but I will tell you this. . .She is an absolute angel! She is in so much pain right now. They don’t know if she even knows who she is.

She responds to painful stimuli.
When my sister arrived at the hospital, she sat up, grabbed my sisters hand and said,
“Help me”

I understand this is detailed - but I again need your prayers. God doesn’t’ care if your prayers are short and sweet. He cares if you believe!!!
I believe we can do it people . . . I have that much faith!

As of 9:53 am this Saturday morning - she is still alive but no longer responsive. We can change that…we can help her.

Thank you for all your support!
and God Bless You! Here is a photo of her and her mother.

www.caringbridge.org/visit/JaneMcgill

Breakfast with Mexicans and Stranger Sex

2008-11-07T10:14:18-05:00

There are Mexicans outside my apartment working. Working hard!
I hear them speaking Spanish and hammering away.
I want to run outside and invite all of them in for eggs and bacon.

“Hey, you! You speak English? Want some eggs and bacon?”

I imagine they would all laugh at me and come on in.

But I don’t feel like cooking so I guess I’ll sit in here and continue to write and secretly imagine what they are talking about.

Plus what if Barry came home from work and what would he be thinking after finding a house full of Mexicans eating eggs with a tall glass of milk as I stood in front of them and reading my latest blogs to them?

Ha!

Too funny.

Sometimes when I look at them outside I can’t help but wonder where they get their drive from.
What are those hard working Mexican men thinking? Either way, there is something hot about a hard working Mexican.

So I was listening to a Christian radio station this morning. It was talking about intimacy between a husband and wife.

I’ve found that since Barry has betrayed my trust and killed a piece of my spirit-I have no desire to . . . You know. . .uh be intimate. Get down and dirty.

That’s not to say I haven’t fulfilled my wifely duties.
Just the desire isn't there you know.

It’s something I’ve been doing so I can get a nice good long backrub afterwards. He’s noticed a change in the bedroom and has asked questions.
Why do you seem so distant?
Why is it your not as turned on?

Maybe because when I look at him I feel like I’m making love to a stranger?
Stranger sex isn’t all that people.

I know cause I had a one night stand with a guy once-

okay maybe twice. But who is counting? Oh you are? That’s right…lol So two.

and if it was more than that, a true southern lady would never tell!

Anyway, it’s like your are thinking about the next day while you’re doing whatever. Am I right?
I can’t make hot passionate love if I’m not feeling hot and passionate towards you.
I just can’t.
So I’ll fake it.
But the problem is, I’m not a good faker.
No. not at all.

It’s like I’ll start off faking really well then I’m so annoyed with myself acting that way I’m like okay, this just isn’t working. I’m turning myself off! Lol

Anyway my point here is - I shut down when my husband did what he did.
I’ve heard of people doing that when things go wrong in a marriage. I guess now it’s my turn to experience it.
I feel if I was to truly give myself to him like I did in the past, I’d be self destructing a part of my spirit.
So it’s pretty much been something like this -

“yeah baby yeah, oh this feels so good. You are the only one for me, oh oh right there baby. . .oh by the way, I haven’t forgot what you did. . .more.. . That‘s it! .more sweetie. Don’t stop!. . .Okay get off me. You were crushing my ribs."

Oh I’m horrible. Lol

Men- don’t loose the trust of a women’s heart

Women- teach other women how to fake it better.

P..s. (them Mexicans are looking so good right now)

I need prayer! lol

God is still calling...

2008-11-04T10:34:58-05:00

When I was 15 I was hoping to go a mission trip to Mexico with some members of my church. I was having a horrible time in the home I was growing up in, and God seemed to be the only one that kept me going.

The woman who raised me didn’t go to church, yet she made me go every Sunday. I used to hate her for making me get up and go while she laid in bed having her husband do hideous jobs around the house. Then came a point in time when I realized it was a blessing that I was made to go to church.
She used it as a punishment until she found out God was working through me.

I would come home happy. Whispering songs while I dusted furniture or cleaned baseboards. I would smile when she kept adding chores to my list. I kept smiling when she found fault in every little thing I did.
God was working through me- he was working for me. He was my helper. My friend. My life.
And she hated it!

When she realized that cleaning the already clean ceiling fans, lamps, tubs, floors,…didn’t seem to have an effect on me she turned.
Suddenly church wasn’t such a good idea for me she thought.
She is having too much fun there -
The devil made her think this, I’m sure of it.
I had a wonderful joy that I often miss.

I asked to go on this trip. I prayed about it. God said yes. He said it just like that! Yes. That simple? I thought. Yes? Then came a smaller voice inside…
But it’s not going to be easy.

I asked her. Her response was with laughter, “sure you can, but I’m not paying for it. You’ll earn every dime of it.”
I had a two weeks to come up with the money. I offered to do extra chores, but she refused to pay me for these extra odd jobs that needed to be done.
“I’m not paying you for something that is expected.” she’d say.

I prayed-and the church held a car wash, yard sale, bake sale. After long hours of working on those days I thanked God for his blessing. I was indeed scared to tell her that I had made enough to go, for I feared she would find something else to keep me away from God’s will.
But you see my friend, God is way bigger than that woman ever dreamed of.

I informed her I was all set for the trip. No spending money for souvenirs or extra money to splurge, but just enough for the ticket, food, and money to get home on.
“Fine. Go then.”

The devil was working hard on her. He was making it hard on me. He didn’t want me going on this trip…But why?

The night before the trip I had my bags all packed. I was feeling a high that only God could give. I felt love from him like never before.
“I don’t think you should go tomorrow.” She said as I trotted down the steps.
My heart pounded then slowly sank..
“But, why?”
“I think you should have done your chores a little bit better. You’ve been spending to much time piddling then getting the shit done right. How many times do I have to tell you? If it’s not right you are grounded!” Her voice had started off calm but by the time she said grounded she had began to yell.
“But what’s not done right? I’ll do it now before I go to bed.” I begged.
“Damn right you’ll do it. You’ll stay up until this house is spotless, but I’ve already decided you’re still not going. It’s too late. I want you to start by redoing all the dusting upstairs and down.”

I couldn’t believe my ears. I had the house perfect for her. And she knew it. What was my pastor going to think when he found out I wasn’t going? All that money wasted! All the time and effort they put in for me to go.

I cried. It was unfair.
“It’s unfair God, it’s just not right and you know it.” I whispered to him as I was cleaning.

I heard her on the phone.
“Now, I told her she couldn’t go if she didn’t get her chores done. I apologize what an inconvenience this is, but I can’t go back on my word.”
But my chores were done. I worked hard on them.
God why don’t you do something? She is lying. Please!

It was midnight and I woke her up and asked permission to lay down. I had redone everything in the house. Hours had passed since she had told me I wasn’t going on this mission trip. I had given up. I was tired. I was broken. She agreed that I could lay down, so I made my way to my bed.
As I laid my head on my pillow I starred at the clock. Everyone will be leaving in just a few hours to catch the plane. Wonder if they knew she was lying? Do they think I didn’t do what was asked of me?
“God?” I called out to him.
“Please, help me. This just isn’t right.” I called for him again. But nothing. All I heard was the stillness of the night. I was tired. I fell asleep…giving up.

4:00 am
“Get up! They are on their way to pick you up! Damnit Ki, get ready so you can go on your little trip to fucking Mexico. But when you get back there is going to be hell to pay. You hear me little girl? I’m fucking talking to you! Answer me!”
I was disoriented. She flipped on the light switch and stood over my bed yelling. I gathered my thoughts quickly..
“Yes mam, I understand.” I said as I sat up.
She grabbed me throwing me onto the floor.
“I said get up! You’re a little bitch you know it!” She grabbed the back of my hair pulling me up to my feet.
Once I was standing I looked down at the floor.
“yes mam. I’m sorry.”

She stomped out of the room as I quickly turned to make my bed.
“Thank you God for letting me go.” I whispered in fear that she may be mad for me talking to him. Within half an hour they were there to pick me up. She had lied about being on the phone with them. She had never called. She knew I had been listening, so she made it all up.
Why? I don’t know. That is the devil for you.

Four days into the mission trip, I had realized why it was so hard for me to make this trip. The devil worked against me coming here for this was the place I would realize my calling. I was standing in a church with beads of sweat running down my head. Giving my testimony that was being interpreted into Spanish for the members of the church-there in the corner was another interpreter doing sign language. I starred at her as she moved her hands so freely speaking my words with her hands.
“yes, God I see.“
I was to learn sign language. That was my calling! A moment I will never forget! The devil didn’t want me here to be a witness. He didn’t want me to know that God loved me so much he had a plan for me. A calling. A calling, just for me.

Here I am years later thinking, why have I given up on God and his calling for me, when he never once truly gave up on me? There were times when he seemed to be away leaving me to figure things out on my own, but he hasn’t left me.
No. He hasn’t.
He is sitting right here as I write this blog. These memories are surfacing for a reason. Maybe for me…or maybe for you.

Be For Real-

2008-11-03T09:47:02-05:00

I’m getting old. Well, older.
I went out Saturday with a group of ladies from work for a friends bachlorette party. Working with these women, I knew not to show my ass like I’ve done so many times other times when I’ve gone out.

Keep focused.
Drink, but not too much.
Observe others.
Listen.
Drink, but not too much.

So I did. Still ended up nursing a hangover yesterday, but didn’t have any regrets. Which is the main reason I don’t party anymore. I used to have too many regrets in one single night of fun. I would wake up thinking, oh I can’t believe I said that. Or I can’t believe I gave that guy my number. I danced with who?

So waking up yesterday morning wasn’t great because my head pounded, but it was refreshing to lay in bed letting Barry care for me and recapping on the events of the night before.

One girl I work with brought her boyfriend. Most of the time -They are truly inseparable. Well just not on that night. It just took another young co-worker a few minutes of flirting with him to get his attention. And undivided attention at that. Laughing. Flirty eyes. Grinding on the dance floor. I was embarrassed for his girlfriend. What was he thinking? What was his girlfriend thinking by sitting back and not saying anything? And most of all what the hell was the other girl thinking? I don’t get it. Maybe I’m old and this is how the new young act? Ha ha. I’m glad I’m getting old if that’s the case.

Here is one for ya…nice little image…
A guy in his forties? Maybe early fifties sitting at a table across from us..I think he was around that age. It was hard to tell because the woman with him was so busy giving head to her beer bottle I couldn’t help but notice her. Yes. I know right? Who gives head to a beer bottle? With people around? Were they swingers trying to pick up…or was she just that turned on by her beer? I’ve never enjoyed a long island so much I wanted to lick the glass it was in.

"BE FOR REAL"
Was the comment of the night.

We said it over and over so much, I responded to Barry with that answer the whole day yesterday. Even when it didn’t make sense.

“I love you Ki”
“Be for real” I’d say.
“you want some lima beans with your steak burger?”
“Be for real Barry”

I tossed and turned..coming in and out of sleep.
“you going to try and get up now sweetie?”
“Be for real”

I don’t want to go out again for a while. Maybe ever again. Hard to say. What I can say is-

Be for real!

Little Bitty Black Jelly Bean

2008-10-31T10:12:13-04:00

Trick or Treat!

Now give me all your candy!

Seriously, I haven't had breakfast, I'm hungry!

Lol

I hope everyone has a safe and warm Halloween. Yes warm. There is nothing worse than being cold going door to door and freezing your ass off. So stay warm.

As for me. I don’t really get into Halloween. Nope. Everyone at work is dressing up today. It will be fun to look at everyone in their attire I’m sure.

My attire? You ask.
Oh well, I had a decided since I wouldn’t spend money on a costume I would wear all black and print a tag off of the computer that says-

Little Bitty
Black
Jelly Bean

Yes, I was as of this morning going to be a little black jelly bean.

But since I stopped in at wal-mart for some hairspray I seen a shirt that fit me perfectly.

It read - Crazy on the inside.

Perfect. I’ll wear that.

I’m still thinking the jelly bean was a good idea for not having a store bought costume.

Whatever. I’ll be both.

Peace and Love from your crazy on the inside little bitty black jelly bean!

A laugh for my friends...

2008-10-28T20:54:18-04:00

Last week I was going through some papers in my daughters school bag. It’s amazing what all I find in there. Plastic wrappers where she has gotten a hold of some candy at some point during the day. Pencils galore, but the erasers are all gone on each one of them. Pictures she has drawn for fun. And cute little notes she has written.
"I love High School Musical"
"Hanna Montanna is my Bff"

But I love to look for things that really make me smile and realize how young and funny she is. Being funny and not even meaning to be.

So I found a paper she had turned in to her teacher and he had graded.
On there she apparently tried spelling the word information.

Here is how she spelled it….

INFOMASON

Lol..I love it!

Things like that are just so funny to me.
Not that she can’t spell, just how she must have really tried hard to spell it right and that is what she came up with.

Oh my little angel.

So tonight we were going over some words she has to read out loud.

“bother, white, shining…” she says
She continues…

“Catch, photograph, whoop, long, and chapter one”

“Great job sweetie!” I tell her as I’m reaching for the paper she had just read the words from. And there it was….CHAPERONE

NOT CHAPTER ONE! LOL

The List-He didn't make

2008-10-28T10:27:41-04:00

It is cold here today. But not as cold as my husband.
I had to make a trip to see my daughter’s teacher over a book report that is due on Friday. The book is now lost. So now I have another $14.00 out of funds for a book that had maybe 12 pages in it.

My healing process was going well…for almost 24 hours. I wasn’t in a great mood, but I was trying. Yesterday, Barry got up at 6:00 to travel an hour to go golf with a friend. He told me he would be home by 1:00. Ahh, but He wasn’t.
I returned to work from my lunch break wondering how at this time he could dare fail to keep promises.

Work didn’t need me, so I was able to go home early.
I was anticipating seeing him - well not really him-but the list.
That’s right-A List
I had asked him to at least while he was away golfing to reflect and come up with ideas of things that he believed we as a couple could do to overcome this issue that has been thrown into my path of life. (I’m thinking counseling, church, prayer…I wanted to see if he was really sorry you know)

That’s simple huh?
A list.
Just a few things jotted down.
Not like I was asking for an essay.

I came home and there was no list.
Okay, well he didn’t have time yet, and I am home early.
Instead of making a list, let’s talk about it. Let’s go over the list verbally.

Looking back, I believe that may have been a bad idea on my part. After all I really didn’t want to talk to him anyway.
But he didn’t hesitate to start yelling about money. Money?
Okay, here we go.

Fine. Money is a problem in this household. Big deal. Every household I know of has an issue with money.
But if you are referring to the credit cards your ex wife ran up…then well..I see that has nothing to do with me. I shop at the fucking thrift store. Pay with cash…my cash!

My parenting skills.
What? Are you kidding me?
I don’t spank. I ground. I make her use her manners. I love her. Am I the best mother? Absolutely not.
She is a fierce little thing and can be very complicated. Strong headed. As myself. So sometimes she doesn’t want to budge…but guess what…she is eight. She is learning how to act. It is a process.
But what does this have to do with the real issue?…him lying to me. Deceiving me? Betraying my heart?

Oh and let’s not forget the house work…
He has always told me how much he enjoys doing it. So I let him. If I dare clean, he comes behind me when he comes home and cleans the same thing. Or says “I’m always cleaning. I’m a good man”
C’mon!
I cleaned all the way up until I married him…

So the clothes..I moved in here and gave him my dresser. He lost his during the hurricane in 2005 and hasn’t bought one since. So I give him mine. That’s right. I’ll do without, so he may have one.
It’s a dresser…I love him. . .He can put his clothes in it. Whatever I can’t hang up the other can stay in a basket.
I’m not to good for a fucking basket. I’m really not!

“I’m tired of seeing your clothes in this basket!” he yelled.

“Okay, where would you like me to put them?”

“I don’t know, anywhere but there!” he points to the corner where my clothes sat.

“So you want me to take your clothes out of my dresser? -and I’ll put my clothes in there and you can have the basket?” My heart is pounding! Why this now?

“No I’ll just buy me a new dresser!”

“Oh, I see…so when I gave you mine, and later asked you to get me one..you didn’t! but now that your clothes might have to be in a basket we can buy a new one?”

THIS ISN’T ABOUT NO FUCKING FURNITURE
NOT ABOUT MONEY
NOT ABOUT YOU SUDDENLY WISHING I WOULD DO THE HOUSEWORK
THIS IS ABOUT YOU GETTING CAUGHT CHEATING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I began to cry as I headed off to start cleaning.
How this all turned on me, I’ll never know.

As he laid in bed falling asleep, all I could think about was he didn’t even try to make the list.

I believe in my dreams

2008-10-26T14:12:57-04:00

In the past few days I’ve felt my world has been turned upside down. Questions have crowded my brain. My heart has hurt. At one point I wondered if I was going to drive myself to the emergency room for anxiety forming in my chest and head. I’ve cried tears at moments when I didn’t want to be seen crying.

It has been hard to hold back. I’m proud of handling this situation overall with calmness. Because you see, that isn’t what the devil wants me to do. He would have preferred me to be very impulsive. Gone crazy. I haven’t yelled at Barry. I haven’t called him names. I haven’t threatened to take everything and leave him to fend on his own. I’ve just been thinking…a lot.

Today is a new day.
I can’t forgive him just yet.
I won’t be able to stay with him. I know that isn’t who I am, and I refuse to be someone I’m not.
At this time I will keep quiet.
I will be still and know.
I don’t want to hurt anymore, so I’m going to do everything I can to stop the pain now.

No more complaining.
I’ll try not to vent as much.

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.

Eleanor Roosevelt

I believe in my dreams as well as the beauty of them.
My dream has always been to be loved by myself, and in return share it with the world.
I will do this.
I will love, love, love.
My dreams for my daughter will come true.
The future belongs to us because I as of this moment-believe we are worthy of living a happy life and surrounding ourselves with positive people.
The future will be ours.
Just watch and see.
I’ll make it happen.
I as her mother, can not fail her because someone failed me.

Ahh, ...now...you are a witness to me believing in my dreams
....my first step to healing just started.

Lisa Responded

2008-10-25T21:19:52-04:00

The lies continue

On and on they go….. Damn lies…
I knew what I was getting into when I emailed her. I was taking a chance of
A.) finding out the truth..once and for all
B.) Getting no response from her
C.) Finding myself still wondering what the fuck is going on!

So which one is correct? Yep you guessed it…C
Here is what she emailed me back.

Ki,

I'm afraid I really don't have any answers for you except that I have not been with Barry in a long time, and definitely not since yall have been married. You are going to have to get your answers from him. Yes, I do know how you feel but nobody can tell you what to do. You will have to pray about it and listen to your heart. He obviously married you because he loves you so talk to him and hopefully you two can work things out.

Lisa

The fact that she didn’t tell me if she responded to his emails tells me she did….
When she said she hasn’t been with him in a long time(no specific date) but not while we have been married…this says to me that she doesn’t want to give me a time frame due to the fact that we may indeed have been seeing each other. She is covering for him.

So I text him-
“Got an email from Lisa. You might want to recap and tell me the last time you all went out.”
His response-
“I don’t believe we were together, but I took her to the casino one time.”

So that is that. My husband is a severely troubled human being with no desire to tell the truth…
I’ll never be able to trust again..I can feel it.
and I hate it because I love everyone and believe in good decent people. But for what? To get burned over and over again?

Broken Promise

2008-10-24T11:37:09-04:00

The day after I said I would marry you, I whispered in your ear...

"Please just be kind, honest, and love me"

You promised me. I believed you. I trusted you with my life.
and you have now...on this day..I feel you have failed me, my daughter, my heart and soul.

Thirty Something Hours Later...

2008-10-24T10:28:50-04:00

I"ve checked 14 times and still thrity something hours later- she hasn't responded. Pray that she will. Please. Everyone reading this..pray for a few seconds..that's all I'm asking...please.

Recognition - that is what I gave my husband this morning through an email. Email? Yes, that is the only way I can even have a voice. (not good recognition that is)

I can’t look at him. I went the whole evening last night and didn’t look at him. He asked me if I wanted supper and I said no.
He offered to sleep on the couch and I said, no I will.
He told me he loved me and came over to me several times to hug me. I didn’t give a hug in return. My arms wouldn’t dare move, so they just laid there limp.
He starred at me, waiting for me to talk, but I didn’t. I couldn’t.
And Like I said before, the whole evening I couldn’t even look at his face, his eyes. I don’t know how long I can go on like this- but I do feel safer being this way.

The email to him was simple and small. Exactly how I’m feeling. Here is what I wrote.

I never really gave it much thought until this morning. You play your game well. You really do. I don't believe I would be proud of that, but if you are looking for some kind of recognition -
or someone to say -
"wow Barry, you really are a great deceiver" then, there you go. The one you have deceived has said it.

Maybe one day you'll have enough courage to ask God for help and this time actually listen to him. I can't help you. Sadly enough, I don't want to help you. Like I said before, you have ruined me. I haven't felt the same since I read that email you sent to Lisa. I don't know where I went, but I at least now I feel safe not loving you like I did. I know now you can't hurt me.

I typically end letters with love always-but if I did that, then I’d be no better than him. I would be deceiving him just as he has done me.

Have a blessed day to you all - and I’m so sorry you all had to see me use such foul words over the passed few days, but if you read about me on my profile - I have nothing to hide and I’m just trying to make things better in this world - starting with me.