Writer

Yuse angel wings eva hurt?

2009-12-09T16:40:01-05:00

Well, I jus got a shot on my ass cheek. Tha right one. Been havin these muscle spasms and stuff. Cant sit stand turn my head. Guess it’s from sleepin on the couch and not in the beds with my husband. Gods a punishin me for actin all unGodly and stuff. Makin my husband sleep alone cus I mad at em.

I happens to like the couch better anyways. Plus, I slept there for four days in a rows and on tha fifth day, I wenta right back in there to my husband and said, “Ima gonna sleep in here tonight witchoo.” The next days I woke up feelin all stiff and stuff. Like he dun beets me up im my sleep. I even ass em, “did yuse beets me up while I was sleepin?”
He lukin at me like I’m crazy, but he don’ts ansa me. He jus go off to work and leave me with no ansa at all.

So I tried to fix all my stiffness and did some of that yoga stuff. Breathin and not breathing opening your lungs holdins your body all different ways. I ended up with some carpet burn from that, but it was relaxen I spose. It still didn’t help with that feelin under my angel wings. Think its called the spatula. No, that aint it, its called the scapula. I don’t spell worth a darn and sumtimes I’m a lil slow, but overall I’m smart.

So anyways a big black girl came in to give me my shot. She neva did smile or nuthin. Jus walked in the door scootin her feet and told me she was gunna give me a shot.

“Okay, I’ll letcha give it to me but yuse gotta smile first so I know I can trust ya.”
She squeezed her mouth together, turned her face tha right and smiled like she posin for a pickure or sumthin.

I turned my ass around and got ready to pull my pants down.
“Which side ya gonna stick with that needle?”
“It don’t matter” She say.
So I give her my right butt cheek since it was my right angel wing that wasa hurtin. Thought it might be easier and kick in faster since the medicine would only have to go straight up instead of up and ova.
That lady was good with that needle. But she horrible with her smilin. It was fake and I don't think she care for me being there today.

I’m back home now. My pains gone. But my ass feel like it weigh a ton.

I posted sumthin yesterday and got a comment from sumone called Firewater. Hes wantin to know what I think about South Corlina boys or Arkansaw grandpas. I reakon I don’t know what to say to him cause I aint eva met iny one from those parts. I like his name, Firewater. Minds me of fire hydrant.

Ya'll hava nice day and I like reading what you alls been writin. Not all of it, but sums of it.

That Kentucky Raisin

2009-12-08T09:55:19-05:00

Sometimes you justa havta write alil different to knock that there writers block....

Musta be that there kentucky raisin!

Some think it’s my Kentucky raisin I am the way that I am.
They won’t say it, but I hear em loud and clear with theys silence and theys looks.

I’m nota shamed of my Kentucky raisin.
I have a heart all decorated in fancy Gold you know.
You gots that, and you gots everthing!
Can’t get that too many places from what I can tell.

I met a blonde boy from Ohio once.
He was nice I reckon.
Kinda like the boys from Kentucky.
Mr. Ohio was…I’d say he was
Almost a gentamen, but he turned out to be wanted from the law!
He was still nice, so I suppose I still like him a good bit.

Met sum boy from Florda once. He lies like a rug when he talks about tha size of the fishis he catch.
He’s all about Marlins, (a fish with a long pointy nose growin out like Pinocchios) boat rides, and wearing sunglasses so dark it looks like nighttime all the time!

Oh and those button down shirts with fish all over them! Theys bright shirts too, but most of em wear blue. I wenta fishin with him one time and he spent all day waving at all them other people passin us by on they boats. Forgot all bout me. He’d just stop right out in the middle of the water and stare as he drank his miller lite.
“Whatchoo lookin at?” I’d ask him.
“nothing, just looking.” He’d say.
I guess I didn’t understand that, cause when I look, I always look for sumthin.

Florida boys are confident and talk a whole bunch. And theys talk fast! Sometimes when theys talkin I thinks they really thinking about stopping cause they’d rather breathe! I see it in they eyes, they eyes almost pop out from talkin and not breathin!

They talk about everything from sports to food, but never hear any talkin bout Kentucky girls.
Them Florda Boys shouldn’t talk so much, they’d see what they missin out on if they quit all that taking and wavins at peoples theys don’t even know.

Now hera I am in bama as they calls it. They leave out the “Ala”. Guess I understand that some sider I heard people call Kentucky - tucky before. Met me some bama boys too. They so shy and resevered. Think we in the bible belt or sumthin.

Afraid to look at a pretty girl or theys goin to hell. They usually dress real nice and all but what’s tha point if they ain’t gonna say nuthin? Might as well keep they pjs on you gonna act like ya sleepin when you in public!

They always lukin down too.
I find my self lukin down to see what it is theys lookin at.
I don’t eva see nuthin.
Bama boys ain’t so bad I don’t spose.
I just think theys too quiet and don’t get rowdy nuff. Don’t eva see em dancin! They always got theys left hands in they pocket and tha right ones holding a beer and sumtimes when theys laugh they bend they knees and lean backwards.

When I laugh, I leans forward!

I met sum otha boys too from all ova the world but I reckon Ill jus tell bout these ones for now.

Mornin Ya'll

Fine! You want me to be a skank?

2009-09-17T09:47:58-04:00

I can’t stand Jealous people. I just don’t like them one bit!

It sickens my soul and makes me a very angry southern lady. Which is not a pretty site and It especially is hard when it’s your “friend”

I hate making myself look clumsy, or foolish to satisfy her need for feeling better about herself.

I’m over it.

I shine because I can.
I work hard at that shit.
Shining isn’t easy you know but it is attainable. FOR EVERYONE!

Maybe if she would work hard too - she could shine…

I would love to see her enjoy life.

But instead she is too busy judging me for mine…
If I do something good I don’t get a phone call for exactly 8 days later!
I do something shitty and she gives me the whole… “ahh..bless your heart”

I see beauty in her but she only see’s beauty in me
And I can’t go on with a unhealthy friendship like that.

I’m going to frizz my hair out…really frizzy…like holy moly frizzy. Throw on some skanky clothes, have a ciggarette hanging out of my mouth and show up at her house..knock on her door….and yell and scream childlike…

“Just wanted you to feel better about yourself today so I’m pretending to be a shitbag. Have a nice day.”

Wait a min…I don’t have any skanky clothes……………

…just kidding. Second drawer - on the right.

mind games or wisdom?

2009-09-16T15:42:57-04:00

Well he was just as amazing last night as any other night though I spoke very little to him.

I escaped without saying goodbye.

That was rewarding for me. Letting him chase and wonder.

Am I playing mind games here? Or am I using wisdom?

I love sharing my secrets with you

2009-09-13T11:07:50-04:00

I suppose the worst part of wanting to be with someone else besides my husband is that I know it is wrong and yet I fill my mind with the thoughts of doing so.

I can't bring myself to do it...
Yet, I cannot convience myself not to...

So there it will be. The days and nights I'll question is this really healthy for my spirit? Some would argue no, while others would say, "well obviously you're not happy"............

But I am happy.
Like whistling around the house happy.

I'm feeling quite youthful and spontanious these days.
Perhaps a little dangerous with a dash of wisdom.

Maybe I should just be a professional cheater?
Maybe I should just be a wife to whom I belong...?

Maybe I should just enjoy this feeling and not do anything but confess my deepest secrets to everyone here at thoughts who don't give a shit anyway ....and even if that were the truth...that wouldn't stop me either...I love sharing me secrets with you.

but but I'm a married woman

2009-09-12T10:28:49-04:00

I couldn't believe it....
I'm still in shock...

Laughing at the sin that will forever haunt me -
The sin that could have been or could be -
but didn't happen...

I don't want to laugh but it makes me giddy and wild.

What am I doing!? I question myself outloud as I do laundry and stare out the window at the rain.

Haven't I shunned others for this act?
Don't I know better?

I had a chance with "it" and I said calmly -
"No, I think I'll go grab some taco bell"

I made the right decision yes...
but the idea is still there......

Oh love.....
can be so dangerous when you're a married woman!

Just watch and see

2009-08-02T02:59:04-04:00

One day...............

I'm not done yet

2009-07-27T10:00:25-04:00

It doesn’t take long for some to figure out my life is out of balance. Though if you talked with me daily, in sight, on the phone you would opt to believe that my positive energy somehow keeps my life together. You would believe, oh well at least she looks at the positive side of things. She will be fine. It’s a shame though that while I see the positive side - I’m all the way at the end of the ledge smothered in Negative - I can see the positive from here but…but…The old worn out seesaw has my life going up and down. I desire balance.

The balance may not come soon enough for me
Though I will walk from side to side
Trying to even out my life
I'm not done yet
From left to right
Up and down.
I will strive to not be one sided
Wrong sided
Right sided
I won’t be sided at all
I will find that balance
That medium and in the middle is where I want to be.
I want to sit in the middle and let my feet dangle with my arms spread out -
Like wings
from left to right
Taking in the greatness of each side
While all the while -
Be so ever still that I don’t get caught on the edge again.

all choked up

2009-07-25T12:10:33-04:00

I was truthful and very trusting when I went to the doctor yesterday.

He prescribed me Lexapro and xanx.

I took my first Lexapro yesterday afternoon.

I have choked three times on absolutely nothing but my own throat.

Causing myself to go into a panic attack.

Scared shitless about the new medicine I didn't dare take a xanx to calm myself.

I just prayed.

This medicine isn't for me.

My head is pounding and I am....well...I am pissed that I even resorted to it.

Have a great weekend everyone.

Help a sista out all you beautiful minds..hurry

2009-07-16T16:32:53-04:00

I'm working on a post for facebook - and thought I'd stop in to get opionions from the greatest people I know - here at thoughts. . .The beautiful minds - creative - spontanious-well rounded views - of each and every one of you -

So..here is the thing I've been pondering.

What if Virginia Wolfe indeed was a mad woman - okay let's give her that...but what if she didn't act alone in her suicide. What if it was her husband who after all those years of standing beside her through her depression/manic episodes was actually to the point of being FED up and planted seeds in her mind within the last few weeks of her life...or even lets say months....to aid her to the path of suicide?...Is that possible...? of course...

okay...so for those of you rolling your eyes... let's say that she didn't have his help in walking into the river with rocks in her coat....let's assume she acted alone. Would it be fair to say - that such a brilliant woman wasn't only a mad woman of sorts, but REALLY passionate about dying? Condisering how she chose to go?

What the hell is this loaf of nothing

2009-07-14T10:46:31-04:00

Wheat bread will never be white bread.
No matter how much butter I put on it.

Whatever...I'm going to lay out.
Who said the husband could buy wheat bread anyway?
I didn't!
Shouldn't there have been a phone call before the purchase?
I must take over the grocery shopping -
Stupid wheat bread

I feel like I spent the night with strangers woke up went in their kitchen to find - that feeling - you know the feeling -
of being super hungry-
then feeling super disapointed in their choice of food.

again...whatever...

Happy friggin wheat bread smothered in butter Tuesday

Emeril and God would be proud

2009-07-08T16:32:29-04:00

Wednesday July 8, 2009

I woke up early this morning to Barry singing, showering, and shaving. He was a delight though at the time I didn’t believe so.
Most of the time he kisses me goodbye on my forehead and tucks me in, but this morning I had already jumped out of bed by the time his shower had ended.

A few hours later I bagged up some clothes for the homeless shelter downtown Mobile. Drove to meet a friend and by 11o’clock we were signed in to serve a meal.

I’ve been a volunteer there for a few months, but today was fun. It’s always rewarding - but I left today laughing.

A few of them men who have been excepted to the program have kitchen duties. They are responsible for cooking and prepping the kitchen. I’m so glad that they had a sense of humor. My friend and I jumped right in - peeking to see what soup the silver soup pan was holding.

Black-eyed pea soup - Yum!

We made ham & cheese sandwiches - all of us taking turns pretending to be Emeril - Yelling out “BAM” then laughing at each other. Yeah..we were pretty cool.
Someone had drawn a faces on the hand pot holders - so we joked around making a thirty second puppet show.

One of the guys paused and asked me what group I was with and why we were there.

I laughed.

“I am my own group I suppose…..I’m not with any group, here by myself and my friend Mel.”

He jerked his head back, looked around at his fellow friends -

“Wow, that’s nice. Thank you.”

So I guess I’m sharing this with you, so that you may know - you don’t have to belong to a “group” to help people out….and you never know….it may turn out to be a blast! I can almost bet money it would.

Diagnosis - you think too much

2009-07-06T21:54:11-04:00

Dear "I explain to others they are fucking nuts" Doctor,

I’m scheduled to see you and meet you for the first time on August fourth. I know, I know you are thrilled. Can't wait to hear another story of someone who could have been something turned into a nobody...but the thing is...I fear I can’t wait that long.

So I will be calling your office every Tuesday and Wednesday hoping that someone has cancelled their appointment leaving room for me to get in.
I hope your receptionist is ready.
I’m a persistent little shit.

Did you see that? I just referred to myself as little…and shit.
It may not take you long to figure out what is wrong with me -

I’ve become my worst enemy. Someone Joyce Myers or Joel Osteen can’t even help with. I can’t get anything done. I’ve read every self-help book there is, only to find that I could have been better off not reading them. I never do what the self-help books say. I only find them interesting long enough to share the insight with others that are having issues. Again, I never use them for myself.

I want to be better than this. This feeling of hopelessness is just dumb. I know it is. And I want to get rid of it, but it seems the harder I try - the more that hopelessness seems to be around. Well lookie there...it's sitting right here beside me as I type this! Told you it was everywhere!

If Hopelessness was a person, I’d throw a drink on her and give her the finger.

Does thinking to that extreme make me a fucking nut?
Please don’t say yes.
Though, I’m certain I would - if I were you.
and what does it mean when I refer to hoplessness as being a female?

I’m becoming anti-social. No. I am anti-social. I used to be able to talk to anyone and leave the conversation feeling joy or even satisfied. I don’t leave conversations satisfied anymore. I leave them feeling like I wish I would have said more than, I’m fine how are you.

I’m glad I’m not famous today. The paparazzi would have a field day capturing me looking so gloom.
I miss my spunk.
My laughter.
The real laughter.

You know what my problem is? I’m too fucking smart. I know everything and I’m afraid that now…now that I know everything I’ve realized shit just sucks.

Do you realize that my mother in law will never love or like me as much as she does my husbands ex-wife? Do you know how painful that is?
Let me tell you doc, it just isn’t right.

One of my photographs got requested to be in a local magazine. Not a picture of me, but one I took. Wouldn’t a normal person be excited about that?
I’m not.
Okay, maybe a little -
But I had to sleep on it before giving up the rights to the photo. You know why I did that? Why I had to sleep on it?

If you are a smart doctor you will say yes, because I wanted to feel important, like I had a big decision to make.

Well whatever…
So what’s the diagnosis?
I’m tired and don’t feel like talking to you anymore. Especially since this is a fucking letter you will never even read! Hello?!

This letter could have been better.
Kind of like me…I can be better.

So that's how it is

2009-07-06T20:06:53-04:00

So of course just a few days after deciding to friggin live life to the fullest and let absolutely nothing stand in my way -
Lo and behold -
There it was-

His ex-wife.
On face book.
Not a big deal right?
Of course not -
Free country -
We can all be on face book right?
Yes.
But can she be friends with the mother-n-law….when I am not?

Not only do I have to live with the memories of my husband sending that email - though it was long ago….to you…just yesterday to me…but now…now I have to live with the fact that a seventy year old woman won’t request her daughter in law as a friend…but has already done so with her Ex-daughter in law.

Do you sense resentment here?
Of course you do.
I’ll admit it.
I’m Jealous.

So much for fucking trying to live. . .

Though it did make me make a phone call to see a shrink!
I don’t want to see one, but I know at this point I must.
If not - I’ll pack my shit and leave to only God knows where for only God knows why.

And I can’t do that because I have my Layla to worry about.
I love my husband.
It’s true.
I love my daughter.
It’s true.

I even love fucking face book. . . But my goodness I hate not to be chosen.

What do you mean have I requested her as a friend?

Of course I haven’t!
And I won’t.
Stubborn - yes
Beggar - I am not!

Very pleased to say

2009-07-02T13:37:03-04:00

Little places here and there
That's my goal for the next year
Going to do this and that and the other
With or without my lover
I will see the little towns close and far
No need for an airplane I'll take my car
I will relax, eat, and enjoy
Can't wait, can't wait, can't wait - Oh BOY
Musems, parks, games and little shops along the way
It's the small things that will make my day

I've already began my journey and I started yesterday
and I'm very very pleased to say -

I'm living -again!

The Queen is down & broke

2009-06-29T11:36:50-04:00

I hurt my back playing a game of Uno Flash.
Seriously.

Like, it's funny and all - but I have to seriously ask myself...was winning really that exciting that I had to lean back on the carpet and roll around singing, "I'm the queen of Uno...I'm the queen of uno..."???????? Of course it was, cause it was fun.

My daughter and husband just starred at me like ...whatever...there she goes again...

So when I tried getting up - right above my butt crack I had a sharp pain and couldn't seem to move. . .

I did some deep breathing...and didn't dare ask for help - The queen doesn't need any help - though I could have used it.

Finally I was able to sit back up and join in another game.
No complaining.
No crying.

Queens don't quit cause they rolled on the carpet to vigorusly. . .I told myself.

As for me today, well, my back still seems to have a little catch in it - but I'll be fine.

This queen is going to dig in her purse for some change - I need a ciggy.

Yes, I'm the brokest queen I know.

But still...the Queen...or at least I'd like to believe so!

Wait for me

2009-06-25T15:42:43-04:00

I have to pull myself away from this worldly living.
Peices of me are slowly being flaked off and left for the wind...
There it goes.
A piece of me.
Behind me -
Bit by bit.
This worldly living.
I must turn the other direction...
and run...
run until I feel a more natural way of living.
The melodies I hear...
I'm coming! Wait for me...I'm on my way...
I'm on my way.

smoke drank and phoned

2009-06-20T23:06:06-04:00

I'm really missing my sisters tonight.

I know..I know...boo friggin whoo...

Anyway, now that you are done making faces at the screen .......................................... I phoned back home with a ciggy in my mouth and wine in my hand. Wishing I could tell the crickets to simmer down...

"shut the hell up...can't you see I'm a giant compared to you! I'm on the phone!"

But I didn't...
cause there were a lot of them...
plus I couldn't see them...
I just smoked, drank, and phoned -

The four of my sisters were all together celebrating my oldest sisters birthday. Laughing and shit - which is what I want to hear when I call home vs tears or anger...but geese...c'mon!
...................... I'm your little sister who lives so far away from home..can't you down play your fun a little?

The phone on their end was passed aound as I said my "hellos and I miss yous"....trying to make sure I sounded the same to all of them. . . .and let's not forget the "I know you all can't be having that much fun without me."

But they were.

and still....the crickets seemed to be having their own party.....

I felt like driving twelve hours really quick to join them.... (mys sisters..not the crickets) But I would have to pack and shit. Not to mention by the time I'd get there they'd all be sleeping.

Maybe I shall try sleeping.

There is an idea.

The Lamest idea I've had in the last five minutes or so....

but I'll give it a try.

Goodnight you all....
Goodnight you loud ass crickets...

ALL MEMBERS - I want YOU to shine

2009-06-20T10:01:26-04:00

Have you read too much drama lately?

Well, if you are like me you want to know what the hell is going down - but you find after you read - you wish you had been busy writing your own stuff - off in your own world.

I’m saying a prayer for thoughts this fine bird chirping, sunshine, Saturday.

And you are more than welcome to ….

Join in if you want - prayer is ALWAYS optional

Dear God,

Hey, it’s me. I’ve been thinking…a lot…and I was thinking about how wonderful thoughts.com is and can be. I ask that you bless all the members in this site. Touch their hearts and souls the minute they log in.

Allow everyone here to find peace in everything - everything they read, write, and wish to share. Let their talents come through -
Allow people to grow and learn through wisdom and rightful words.

You have created a lot of wonderful people and I want them to shine. Allow everyone to realize that we only are here for a short while - and we need to be useful of our time here.

Again, bless each and every member. New ones. Old ones. Troubled ones. Funny ones. Down to earth ones. Serious ones.
Everyone….

I see the beauty in them…why can’t everyone just shine…

Amen

Confidence is a surviving tool

2009-06-18T12:13:13-04:00

Frst let me say....to all those women or men out there that enjoy rocking your own socks off.....ROCK ON!

What I have learned about myself and hearing someone tell me - “I’m too Confident”

At first when I heard my good friend - and co-worker had been offered a lead position by my boss’s wife I about threw up all over the floor. I was excited for her because she is a wonderful friend but…
For the next five hours I was going to have to keep myself composed and keep the vomit from coming up.

Why so green?
1.) I had been there three months longer than her
2.) My sales are consistent and the highest
3.) I was over looked

Random thoughts popped into my head one right after another:

Do I appear as though I couldn’t handle the position?
Did I say something a long the way that made her think I wasn’t good enough?
I’ve always worked hard - at work.
I do my job. What more did she want?
Is it because I didn’t fit into their “I’m from here, born and raised” lifestyle?

I went home and cried. I couldn’t understand how I had been overlooked for the opportunity. My husband was very supportive saying things like,

Don’t worry, one day I’ll have enough money so you don’t have to work.
Don’t forget we have to check our lotto numbers.
Don’t cry it makes my heart sad when you do.
Seeing you cry, shows how important your work is to you.

Two days later, I finally got the opportunity to hear what the reasoning was for her to determine my friend for the position and not me.

She began apologizing saying things like,
I didn’t think it through
It was just an idea
I value you and your work efforts -

And then…..

Right when I was starting to feel comfort in the situation realizing that perhaps she didn’t think it through and realized that seniority does play a factor in most company positions (as long as the person who has seniority works hard and deserves it)

She came out and said,
“I’ve always been told to stay away from giving work to people who are TOO CONFIDENT”
And then before I could filter those VERY IMPORTANT WORDS she spoke- she continued with -
“and I know you are scared of me…”

Okay. Back up. Wait a minute. . .I kept my body language simple but began speaking with my let’s call it my …Uh…confident voice…yeah, I like that…my confident voice.

“Okay, now I’ve heard you talk. And I’ve heard your peace about the situation. Now it’s my turn. I am not - in no way whatsoever scared of you. I come in here, clock in and begin to work. From start to finish. If you walk through that door, I feel no need to comment on your designer shirt or named brand shoes - building you up, saying oh you look real nice today. I don’t kiss ass. Not yours nor anyone else’s. If you see me not kissing your ass, It has nothing to do with me being scared of you…it’s because I’m a big girl and understand I get the same amount of pay regardless of if I speak to you or not. You like people to stay busy and work, and that’s what I do…..and the bottom line is I was overlooked for the position and this conversation is over.”

I turned and walked away - stunned! Feeling as if the peace had turned out to be way more drama than I wanted.

I believe by ending the conversation and walking away was the right thing to do. It had gone to far in my mind.

So if I appear to be too confident -Make sure you aren’t mistaking my confidence for being truly understanding and dedicated to my job.

I’m not stupid I understand that hard work pays off in most cases.
I do it to the best of my ability because there are too many people out there looking for jobs right now - and I would hate to be in their shoes.
I take it seriously because I choose too - not because I have to or get paid to.

And do I still think I rock my own socks off? HELL YEAH - I’ve been through too much bullshit not to. . .and not being chosen for a position I deserved is NOT going to set me back. It hurt a little, but after hearing the reasoning and such - I'm glad I'm not going to be a part of it. The reasoning was very unprofessional -

I believe in myself more than anyone else on the face of this earth -
Is that so bad?

I can be alone on an island, stuck, stranded, and know one hundred percent I would find a way to survive.

And that is all I’m doing here in Alabama.
I’m surviving.