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| a mental hospital because I smoked pot?
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I can’t imagine the fear I gave my adopted brother when he was only six and I had a few more months before my fifteenth birthday. For what could have happened to him during my care could have caused some major damage to his emotional state.
My second mother had decided that I was bi-polar. She Had a few doctor friends she would take me to and have different written test to perform. I knew I wasn’t but after a while of being told that I was in fact bi-polar, I began to live my new life as just that.
“Ill show you mood swings!” I thought day after day.
They put me on lithium. Yes lithium. Not a kind of drug you play around with. I became a walking zombie with no way to express myself. I could feel pain inside but didn’t have the energy to even let it out. That’s what the second mother intended to do. This was a way to shut me up. It worked, but it also made me not give a damn about anything. Teachers and students at school constantly asked if I was okay, sick, or tired.
I had to take the lithium every morning with sunny d. It came in liquid form and was mixed by my second mother and she watched as I downed every bit of it. I could remember gagging and crying without making any sounds. Tears would just flow down my face but I knew better than to put up a fight. Within minutes my stomach would ache from the juice and lithium. I would then continue on with my morning chores. There was a list of things to be done daily on top of normal cleaning routine. I was not able to get ready for school unless all the chores were completed. My day started at 5:30 and was to catch the bus at 7. Most of the time the chores would take me until 6:45 leaving me to hurry to fix myself so I didn’t look any worse than I felt. I knew I was being judged at school. But that was okay, I’d never fit in anyway with half of those people anyway.
The lithium is very toxic and my second mother being an RN was able to draw my blood every few days kneeling beside her bed. My arm would stick out and I would lower my head as she seemed to enjoy looking for a vein. Eventually she would find one and rip the needle out as if I wasn’t her child but someone she didn’t care to harm. As I would leave her bedroom once again without any crying noise my tears began to fall. I would pray that I would not cry. Please God, I’m tired of crying. Make it stop. It’s okay, I understand this is my life but I just don’t want to cry anymore. If she sees me she will start calling me names. She would assign more duties around the house. She would tell the doctors I threw a fit and was out of control. Please God I’m begging! Take my tears….
I had a neighbor friend who talked about smoking pot all the time. I had never tried it. Never wanted to until I was on lithium. Like I said it made me not care about life and my judgment was way off at times. I confronted him about getting a joint. The next day he showed up at school with it. A joint rolled for me plus more in a baggie. I don’t know much about pot and how it comes but I’m thinking it was a dime bag? Lol
Anyway, so I took it home and placed it none other than my mattress. I didn’t know how to smoke a joint. I just knew I wanted too. If my second mother thinks I was a bad child before, what will she think of me now? Could she hate me anymore than she already does?
After my second mothers husband watched me drink my morning lithium he hurried off to the mines where he worked. My second mother left at six. Leaving me to watch and care for my little brother. Making sure he was dressed and ready in time to ride the bus with me. Breakfast would be pop tarts and he could watch barney while I did my housework. I couldn’t stop thinking about smoking that joint. I didn’t want to go to school and face any more days without some kind of feeling of hope. Was pot going to give me this? Will it bring back the happy Ki that I know is inside me?
I soon found myself outside in the back yard smoking the joint. I didn’t have a clue what I was doing, so I smoked the whole thing! Lol The first few minutes seemed to last forever. I wasn’t feeling anything and I needed to hurry back inside before little brother found me, and found me not doing chores! Not sure which one would have been worse. I smoked until nothing was left and headed inside.
Shit! Can you smoke pot and take lithium? The thought came too late. I wondered from room to room trying my hardest to focus. Is this what its like to be high? Confused? Disoriented? Fucked up!?
I hate it. I take it back god I take it back.
My brother asked me questions as I starred past him. I felt bad for him as I was one minute laughing out loud then holding my chest in pain.
A voice inside me…
“get him out of here!….Now!”
I tasted the lithium coming up.
“Go to the bus stop jay, go now!” I demanded. I walked up the stairs towards my bathroom as I looked back to see if he was listening. He wasn’t he just stood there staring.
“Did you hear me Jay?” I asked
“You didn’t say anything. What-cha-doing?” he said.
My chest brought me too my knees.
Damnit! What have I done? Then the voice again.
“Get him out of here!”
I made my way back down the steps. I slowly placed his backpack on his back and kneeled down in from of him.
“Jay, something is wrong with me, I don’t feel well. I need you to be a big boy and catch the bus by yourself today. Don’t play near the road and wait for the bus. You can do it! I’m already proud of you!” I said.
He looked at me with his bright blue eyes.
“but you’ll miss the bus if you don’t come with me”
“Ki, will get to school. You just do like I said. I love you. Now go, I’ll watch you go down there and when you get there, wave at me so I can see you and I’ll wave back Okay buddy?”
“okay” he said as I opened the door. He ran fast a few houses down to the bus stop just like I told him. He left scared, and confused. His blonde hair bounced all the way down. When he arrived he turned and waved and I waved back. I didn’t see him for three months after that.
I called an ambulance after crawling back into the house on my knees. I couldn’t get my heart to stop beating so fast….
“you almost died” I heard as I began to open my eyes. I was in the hospital. The doctor looked at me as if I had meant to almost die.
“Get some more rest” he said as I shut my eyes back.
The next day they released me. I walked out of the hospital wondering what my second mother was thinking because oddly enough she wasn’t yelling or hitting me. We got in the car and headed away from the house. I was scared to ask, but I had to.
“Where are we going?”
She gripped the steering wheel, turned to me and screamed,
“I’m taking your stupid ass to a mental hospital where you belong!”
God, Jesus, help me…Oh my God, Oh my God…Where are you!!!?
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Posted by Writer on 2008-09-12 09:48:39 | Rating: | Views: 118
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Wow... that was haunting. I could feel what you were writing, the confusion, the fear... well done
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Posted by DouglasMB
on 2008-09-15 10:34:16
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