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I feel unhappy, dissatisfied, inferior, insecure, whatever it is its not a comfortable feeling
and I am sure it is all in my head. I mean, first of all, look at all those other people in the
worl who are suffering? Those born with out fathers, mothers, or worse bored with love ones who care about them and forcibally taken away from them. Or those children in third world countries who are sold as slaves, suffers torture, rape, etc. Look at my life. Sure my family is definetly in the lower tiers when it comes to income etc. But I sure as hell bet I have it better than most people. Two loving parents although they frustrate me sometimes. 2 sisters, one being special. And a very smart grandmother who probably has all the answers but I am just too stubborn and ignorant to take heed to the advices she has to offer me. At least I've had a roof over my head for the past 17 and a half years of my life. Went to decent schools so what am I always complaining about in my life.
Well the number one feeling I have right now is the feeling of inferiority. To actually think about it,
I really cant point my finger on whats been bothering me. I've just been pissed. Pissed at things that I know I can deal with. Well first I feel unwanted. Like I am not funny enough, smart enough, talented enough, good looking enough and whatever to make friends. "Well thats okay! only personality counts right?" Well, I also think my personality sucks as well. If it is as they say that personality counts the most the my personality sure as hell must suck ass. I always give attitude to my parents to the point where its being done with out me even knowing it. And I am so Goddamn lazy where I feel so stressed out by it I get headaches so easily. But how do you stop being lazy? Once you are in this pit its so hard to climb out of it. It takes effort to climb out of laziness. But if I had that much effort then I wouldn't have been in the pit in the first place. Man its like a Catch-22.
The number one bane to my happiness is girls. They just don't like me...that way.
Is it because I am ugly? no, My personality sucks? could be the reason? I don't dress nice enough? could help but probably not the main reason? I know what it is. Its just me who I am. I am insecure. And insecurity breeds other feelings. Feeling of inferioirty. And then I get sensitive. Sensitive people can't take disses very well. Insecure people don't socialize very well in social events. People feeling inferior don't take the neccesary chances and back themselves up enough to go all the way through. I mean, I really don't think I am such a stupid person. I really don't think that I should be feeling these things in my life right now. Yet, I am. I was about to list down "I have no girlfriend" along with other things that bother me in my life. However
..thats not it!!! Say this girl does like me. Woohoo hurray! well what the fuck, I know that deep down inside I will still be unhappy and the relationship wont last long because something inside me wont let me feel happy.
I am chasing all of these things but they are not what I want. I can't be happy with myself. With who I am. Even if EVERYTHING is going perfect I still won't be happy. If I feel happy/content/secure, i would be okay even if the sky is falling, because I know I will be able to deal with it one way or another. I really want to conclude this entry because
the closer I get to the answer the more and more it hurts in my head. man.... I have to get my act together.
After watching Fearless again: "Man cannot choose how they're lives begin, but they must have the courage to walk till their very last step."
Yet, I still can't summon enough courage to call Kathy. I can't expect to change in 1 day, let alone2 hours... man oh man oh man.
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Posted by WoodTree on 2008-08-20 10:21:06 | Rating: | Views: 18
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I can relate to most of what you are saying...
We are all human....its normal to feel the way we feel when we been thru some situations.
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Posted by Plakola
on 2008-08-20 18:10:37
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