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He's showing more effort in part of trying to curb his seemingly unsatiable desire for his gaming. Last night we had dinner and were watching t.v. Like a normal couple! Lately I've been thanking him a lot when I see such effort, even little, because I feel good behavior should be praised. Don't get me wrong, I'm not patting him on the head like a puppy. I don't mean to condescend him at all. I just hope that by positive reinforcement he'll see that it makes me happy when he is trying like that.
Everyone has a down day and needs some extra time alone, and I for one know all about that. So when he has days that were terrible at work, or something is going on in our lives, I understand if he wants to hideaway a little while. It's the days that I know he's in a good mood, or nothing is terribly wrong, that my feelings get hurt.
Last night I fell asleep on the couch with him, and he let me sleep as he went to play his game. Now, I don't hold him at a gun for that! It was nice, because even when I came downstairs after my long winter's nap, he immediately took attention to me to see if I wanted to have a cigarette. It was nice.
I'm still a little irked about our sex life though. He says that if I take initiative to actually initiate it, then he won't deny me.
It's hard for me though. The past two years I've been raped and abused repeatedly. That was my only experience with sex at all. Aside from being emotionally bruised, it's left me in a habit about sex that is natural only to the type of rape survivors I can now, unfortunately, count myself in their group.
Trust me, like any girl, I want to be sexy. I want to wear pretty lingerie and intitiate sex with my own husband. It's this terrible memory of that last guy who made me wear psychotic lingerie and would film me. This type of memory haunts me. What's worse is that I have some lingerie, but I just never wear it. Never have. It's not a shyness thing either, although I am shy. I just don't want to associate our love making with that sex that I had before.
Also, the last guy would force me to tell him that I wanted him and all that gritty stuff, but then would abuse me and tell me I was whoreish and that I didn't deserve to have sex with him. I didn't think that, of all the things that he did to me, would affect me as much as it is. So when my own husband, who I do love and trust - trust unconditionally, tells me that it's okay for me to ask for sex, it's really hard. Really, really hard.
That leaves me laying at night, wanting my own husband, then a mixture of these terrible emotions that I don't deserve or need sex if he doesn't initiate it; that sex is his call to make. Then I feel as if I'm not wanted or desired as a normal wife is desired by her husband because my husband does have, alas, a very low libido. Or so he, ashamedly, says.
See, when he was in college, he gave his virginity to a girl who was at the time engaged. He was unaware of this completely, and when his conscience finally got to him, he told his parents he'd been sleeping with her. Immediately they wanted to kick him out, and he said that was fine that he'd go live with her (because she'd so many times offered this and said she wanted him out of their reign). When he phoned her, she backpeddled so badly that he knew that she had been lying the whole time; that she was using him. They never did throw him out, much thanks to his compassionate mother who saw her son was quite remorseful. The way it was handled though by his sometimes overrighteous acting parents has scarred him sexually. He's felt that sex is wrong, bad, and dirty.
I'm not nuts about pre-marital sex. I had my fair share of wildness when I was younger (minus sex) and after the rape, I admittedly flung myself at every guy trying to prove to myself that I was attractive and still desirable. I wanted to know that just because that happened, that I wasn't tainted with a curse. My husband and I had pre-marital sex, and everytime we did, he'd wake in the morning in silence. He'd struggle spiritually with it, and I offered that we stop. My own selfishness and insecurities got in the way, and I unknowingly guilted him into it. He knew that I didn't feel loved, or desired, by him, unless we slept together - more because he'd already done that with me.
We're way past that now. He's been much better spiritually, and we're nurturing ourselves daily with our Messiah, and as a married couple feel much less spiritually bashful of our sex life. However - his scars are slowly closing whilst mine are still open and bleeding slightly.
I wish I knew how to fix it so that when I woke in the mornings it wasn't me who wakes in silence and pity. I want to know if I'm craving sex from my husband to fill the void that's been put there by his gaming (minus his recent efforts) in order to feel closer to him. (Sex has always been a very intimate thing to me; a very personal thing and so when I was raped, I cried and was more remorseful over the fact that my initial intimacy was with some bastard). I have a longing to connect deeply and intimately with my husband and I channel that through sex, but ... I don't know. I feel weird, and ugly. I feel so ugly that he doesn't seem to desire me.
Yes, in a blue moon he'll tell me I'm pretty, or that he thinks that other guys find me attractive. But I don't want to have to make him constantly reassure me that I'm beautiful, by words or sex, to be able to live with myself or be confident once and for all about us.
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Posted by WithLove on 2008-01-29 10:19:04 | Rating: | Views: 112
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