You know I realize that even though I check Thoughts.com on a pretty regular basis, a few times a day to read some blogs... I find myself rarely posting a blog myself.  I don't know if it's because I don't have anything to blog about or if I just don't want people seeing to much into the real me.  I know that here you can be as anonymous as you want to be - but the problem tends to be we put our real selves in black and white (or whatever font color you choose) and people get to know the "real us".  I know that I tend to hold back a lot for fear of judgement from people.... even people who I've never met.  You all put a voice to my words, just as I do yours.  Granted you have no idea what my voice sounds like.  I could sound like a trucker who's had one too many cigarettes, or I could sound like the phone sex operator.  Either way, when you read - most likely its not my voice you imagine, but your own voice that you hear.  Or maybe that's just me?

Yesterday Mamacita left Thoughts.  Its sad to me to see someone who I have enjoyed reading leave because of other people.  I don't know.  I know there are a lot of young kids who come on here to blog, albeit for a school project or just because they need to write.  Teenage angst and all that jazz, but I tend to see that a lot of the problems that stem from one blogger to the next they are adults, not teens.   I don't know what the straw that broke the camels back for Mamacita was, and I just have to say I'm really really sad to see her leave.  I hope that she changes her mind and decides that Thoughts just won't be the same without her, and she comes back.

I haven't been sleeping well the past couple of nights.  Well the past 3 or so weeks I've been having really bad dreams.  All of them involving accidents of some sort.  Here's a snippit of the dreams I've been having:
"I've been dreaming about car wrecks, accidents that happen right in front of me. I don't come upon any dead bodies or anything but I know there are some casualties, except once when I drove by and there was a baby covered in blood and looked like they had been burned - the baby was smiling. A few times I've dreamed that I've actually been in the car that was wrecked - when I see the that I'm going to get hit I look in the backseat and see Hailey sitting there smiling at me, I remember waking up the second I was hit the times it was me in the car. 
The other night I dreamed that my husband and I were driving and we were watching this airplane flying really really low on 1960 (a stretch of road by my house) and it was flying all crooked, sideways, flipping upside down. I remember telling my husband that the airplane was going to crash, and no sooner did that happen... the airplane took a nosedive right in front of us. I remember looking at Brian and we both mouthed the words OH shit when one of those explosions like you see in the movies happens and I'm trying to jump in the backseat to throw myself ontop of Hailey to protect her from the fireball. I woke up when I felt the heat."

Now to analyze my own dream I tend to think that subconsciously I'm on a road that is dangerous.  I'm going to fast in a certain situation (I'm not ready to divuldge that just yet my friends) and it's one that if I don't stop, turn around, slow down - people will get hurt.  So I know what I have to do, because I know better.  I know what's right and what's wrong, yet still I find myself flirting with disaster.  Time will tell.  I'm putting faith in myself that I will do the right thing, even if that doesn't mean it's the fun thing to do.

This morning while I was sitting in traffic waiting to turn - I was staring at the car in front of me.  Listening to the tick tick of my blinker and staring into the tangerine colored blinker in front of me, tick tick, tick tick... I found myself almost in a daze, falling into the abyss of the blinking tangerine light, lost in my own thoughts - or not thinking at all.  Only to be alerted by a loud jaunting HONK the light has changed and it's time for me to move.  Let me just say, I hate being honked at, at 5:45 in the morning.

There's so much left to say, yet I find myself skirting around real issues here.  Not issues with thoughts, well my thoughts maybe.  How do I get them organized enough to actually express what I have going on in my life?  How do I just throw caution to the wind and just say what's been going on with me?  How do I face the judgement of my peers?  One day, I'll have the answers to my own questions.