It was a dark and stormy night, just like every other night in this berg. It took some smooth talking to convince Frank to stay out of this caper. He's creeping towards that magical retirement date just like I am, only he doesn't have that pustule on the ass of humanity, the Chief, doing his level best to torpedo his career.
I gotta admit, every time I open that closet, I get this eldtritch sense that the damn gnome is going to be gone, along with any satisfaction I might have gained from snatching it in the first place. Nope, it's still there. Well, it's Friday night and except for this "missing gnome" case, everything's caught up. I've got 3 days on my hands. Stella's in Jersey with her Brother, Alfonse. Alfonse, now there's another pustule if I've ever seen one. He's an arrogant little Catholic Priest in some little backwater town, and he keeps tellin' Stella how it's downright blasphemous for her to be cavortin' around with a lapsed Protestant like me.
I've got this all planned out with the gnome, and it's going to give me great satisfaction to use that painted piece of plaster to put one over on both pustule #1 and pustule #2 at the same time. Besides the pustule factor, I don't know what the Chief (pustule #1) has been doing with that gnome, but the odor wafting out of that closet every time I open the door is, well it's kind like what I imagine the stuff inside a pustule would smell like if I was to get close enough to smell it, which I ain't gonna do. (Where in the hell did I get this sudden fixation on the word "pustule" anyway? All of a sudden, these past few days it's been "pustule this, pustule that, he's a pustule, you're nothin' but a pustule on my ass". Drives me nuts when I get something like that stuck in my head. I find myself having to seriously concentrate on NOT using pustule every time I turn around.)
Anyway, back to the caper with the gnome. Pustule #2 doesn't know it yet, but he's going to help me get over on pustule #1, who just happens to be an upstanding member of his Lutheran church, so they ain't gonna see eye to eye to begin with. Toss in the fact that pustule #2 (Alfonse) is an "old school" eye-talian and pustule #1, the Chief, is also an "old school" eye-talian from the other side of the tracks and, well, you get the picture. (See, there I go again with the pustule thing.)
Ok, so there's this moke Lenny that I busted more times that I can count for just about anything you can name back when I was working Vice and Bunko, and just happens to be another version of a two legged pustule (#3 it would seem), Lenny's got himself a job working for pustule #2 in the church cemetery as a grave digger, excuse me, "caretaker". Pustule #3 owes me plenty, and I'm going to cash in a few of those chits. (Oh, I have GOT to do something to get this fixation on pustule out of my brain). Lenny (pustule #3) is going to take that gnome, is going to affix a strategically placed tube leading to a water supply, and is going to place that gnome somewhere in the cemetery and turn on the water supply so it looks like the gnome is, well "relieving himself". Now, pustule #2 is going to see this as nothing less than an abomination. He will, when he investigates closer, see that this gnome belongs to pustule #1, and that pustule #1 is a LUTHERAN! That is going to set off a feud of biblical proportions! Pustule #2 will have his righteous indignation borne of his position as a Catholic Priest, and pustule #1 will of course be FURIOUS that not only a Catholic, but a fellow eye-talian would do such a thing to his prized gnome!
Now, both pustule #1 and pustule #2 are going to be hot on the tail of pustule #3 because he's the only common thread in this whole sordid scenario. Pustule #3, being the upstanding citizen that he is, will crawl into the nearest hole, leaving pustule #1 and pustule #2 at each other's throats slinging accusations, but doing so out of the public eye because it just wouldn't do for the paritioners to see their Priest (pustule #2) acting in such a decidedly "un-Priestlike" fashion, and of course the Chief (pustule #1) certainly isn't going to want his name sullied in a pissing match over a piece of painted plaster. Now, this icing on this particular cake is that pustule #1 will not let things slide and will start an investigation, which pustule #2 will wholeheartedly support, and given that yours truly was already working this caper, and that pustule #1 will see this as just another way to stick it to ole Stan Slade (you see, he's found out that pustule #2 is Stella's brother), the investigation will be assigned to me. (Geez, I have GOT to get this pustule thing out of my head. I wish I could remember where I heard it that got me stuck on it. It's not like pustule is a word used in everyday conversation with the crowd I'm in. Boil maybe, pimple or zit more likely, but not pustule, so where the hell did it come from?)
Nah, as much as this whole scenario would give me endless hours of pleasure, sure as every night around here is dark and stormy, it would come right back around to bite me, or worse yet, to fester like a pustule on my ass. Pustule #2 would find out it was me and it would give him the leverage he needs to pry Stella away, and pustule #1 would finally have that one thing he needed to end my career and kill my pension. I'd wind up flipping burgers until I die, alone. Oh, well, it was fun while it lasted, I guess I'll just rent a car, drive by pustule #2's place to pick up the gnome, cruise by pustule #1's house and toss him out on the lawn, and nobody will be the wiser. I'll just turn in the rental, go home and pour myself a cold beer. Maybe I'll take a stab at that crossword puzzle again. That one word sure has me stumped. Let's see, what was the clue? "A blister-like lesion" with 7 letters.
It hit me like a bolt out of the blue. PUSTULE! That's why that damn word's been stuck in my brain the past couple of days! Pustule for God's sake!
I've gotta find a different hobby....
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