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Katie

I started to comment on someone else's post on this subject... But I decided that it was time to talk about this... So I just ended up copy/pasting it here. A small little-known chapter of my life.

Her name was Katie. She was so pretty, so gentle and at the same time harsh and brittle when she needed to be... Just the way I liked it. I never let anyone in my walls... Ever. Seems that on the outside I was this cheerful guy who never had any problems, but on the inside there was a cyclone of questions, confusion and anger.

She saw through my facade, always. she was the only one who ever knew exactly what I was thinking at any given time... And it was that reason that I fell for her. We could always talk about anything, laugh at anything, and feel good walking down the road together. We even felt the same on many different subjects... Which was rare for anyone to agree with me.

She was not all like me, however. Her attitude of "Lose control and live life" and my attitude of "Control yourself and don't give in to the evil in the world" just never meshed. I couldn't handle it when she told me of things that I didn't want to hear about. She didn't care, however. Seemed that she was pretty selfish, in my eyes. She continued in her self-destructive ways and thoughtless ways, and I continued to feel betrayed. She got into my mind and set off explosions that rocked my foundations.

I left the state eventually, and went back home to find myself again. Of course, things didn't improve much. She was my kryptonite. Ever since I was young (that aghe when you cry involuntarily at things) I hadn't cried. Just something I never did... My emotions manifested into hate and anger, not depression and hopelessness. But she made me cry so much. I was a steel vault before I met her. I was indestructible. But then she came.

After all that, I stopped talking to her on my own will. I stopped calling her to make sure she was being a "good girl," I stopped hoping she would call me to see how I was doing. I actually avoided all contact with her. It was best for me. If she could spend all her time focusing on herself and what she wanted, so could I, right? So I did.

Alot of people don't realize my ability to drop subjects, quests, pursuits, etc at the drop of a hat when I realize that there is no hope. I loved Katie more than anyone before. But as soon as I stopped blinding myself and realized that she did not feel the same, I forced myself to stop caring, stop loving, stop trying. Was like a bandaid... Just rip it off and be done with it.

Recently I moved back to Maryland, to the town I lived in, where she still resides. I saw her in a store not too long ago, and she saw me. we made eye contact, and I looked away and continued with my things. Not more than thirty seconds later, I looked back, and she was gone. Part of me wishes that she had gone home crying and self-loathing. The other part wishes that I would call her to see what she is thinking about these days.

I don't feel the same way about her, because I eventually made myself stop.

Her birthday was a week ago or so. I thought about calling her to wish her a good one, but I stopped myself. I don't even know how old she is now. I don't really care.

I heard from a friend that she wanted to talk to me, but wanted me to initiate the contact. She'll have to wait a long, long time for that to happen.

Posted by Wheedle on 2009-06-28 00:44:13 | Rating: