| View Blog
|
|
|
|
Ive always thought that people crave change in there life, that this was the reason people lived on.
To get better qualifications, a better job, more money and a bigger house and a faster car. People always want more, they always want to improve what they already have. People are greedy. Life is Greed.
When I met E, I wouldnt have changed him for the world. I would have married him there on the spot if he would have let me. But things are different now, he seems different with me and for a while I wondered why he had changed so much.
We just dont connect like we used to, we dont talk as well or as much as we did when we were just friends and we seem to always be argueing. He seems more interested in sleep than sex, and I just generally dont feel attractive to him anymore. I dont want to be the typical couple where things go that way, but they put up with it because its easier.
When we first got together, we were such a couple. Before, if I proved him wrong in something hed say 'your right again, your always right' and that would make me laugh. He used to joke he was wrapped around my little finger and he loved it. I felt like his Princess, and I felt treated like one. He was the perfect man, not controlling and a true sweetheart. Doing sweet things to make me smile, protecting me and giving in to a huffy face and 'awwing' me along with hugs. He spoiled me rotten and most importantly, he wasnt scared to say he was wrong or sorry. That made him perfect.
The thing is, he still does all those things on occassion, but because we are not connecting like we used to and hes moody and different with me, I dont concentrate on the good things as much so they go unrecognised. Its mostly been since we moved in together, we seem to argue a lot. Sometimes I think it stems from me trying to take control of things i.e. money and shopping budgets. But since all my previous relationships have been controlling, I think its nice to finally take charge and E is not good with budgetting anyway! He never had a problem with me taking charge before.
Today came a huge point of realisation for me. I had to talk him into making love, and that hurt. I didnt want to in the end. Ive never been turned down for sex before, and it makes me feel so low and unattractive. Then cuddling him in bed, I realised it felt different. Before he would cuddle me so snuggly and make me feel so loved, but now it feels more like a chore. Even when he sees me upset he just huffs away n goes to bed, like he cant be bothered seeing whats wrong with me. In all honesty I dont feel loved anymore.
Hes so diffierent now, and im wondering if that person I first met will ever come back. I keep talking about 'before' and how things are different. But I dont actually know what it was that made things change. Was it us moving intogether? The miscarriages? Our new kitten? or is it that hes just not so interested in us anymore? What happened between before and after that made this change?
I have come to realise that I am too gullable, and I trust and open up to people far too quickly. I take people as they are and come, and then become baffled when they always change.
But the truth is, people dont change. People try to impress you when they first meet you, and they are on there 'best behaviour' if you will. This gradually fades the closer you become, they start to open up and you see there flaws.
I know I have my own fllaws, too many to mention infact. But ive always been open about my flaws. E told me he was different from all the other guys, but to be honest hes just turned out exactly the same.
My problem is when I start to see bad sides of people, I become defensive and then I start to act differently too. I dont want to act differently, its just a natural reaction not to get hurt again.
Id like to think that you could trust people, but the truth is - you can never 100% trust the actions of anyone or anything. Because the only thing you can control in your life 100%, is your own actions (and sometimes even that doesnt apply, for instance mental illness's)
I guess im just losing trust in the world as a whole. Im trying to seek happiness in security, and im not going to find that because nothing will ever make me feel 100% secure.
I just want to be 100% happy in a relationship, and right now I dont seem to be getting that. I feel tricked into this realtionship and like he was being false with me. Maybe im wrong, but thats how im feeling right now.
The real problem is that I love him, with all of my heart and I just wish things were the same...as before.
Mimi xx |
|
Posted by WeeMimi on 2008-04-09 20:07:30 | Rating: | Views: 118
|
| |
|
|
