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Its been a few days since ive blogged, and I think the reason is fear. Fear of opening up again.
My birthday celebrations started off good. I went to see my family the day before and got my gifts, Some money and make-up. I also got my new car (a brand new mazda6!) and new mobile phone from E, I was spoiled!
We went out driving around the city the night before my birthday, loving my sparkling new car. We got talking about things and I felt the conversation going deeper and deeper into my mind...in the early hours of 16th April, I broke down.
Lying in bed, I felt pain as all these bad thoughts, memories and fears poured from my brain and out through my mouth. There didnt seem to be any stopping it. The more I said, the deeper the conversation went. I let out things, id never told anyone. I spoke about the violent relationships in my past, my bad childhood, my struggle with my disability, my disfunctioning family...it all got too much. I realised I had more bad memories than good ones. I had more fears than hopes. I struggled daily, to give myself the will to get up out of bed.
It was then I started pleading for it all to be over. I didnt want to be in pain everyday, I didnt want to struggle, I didnt want to have bad dreams anymore, I didnt want to feel like a failure. I was sick, of feeling like life had cheated me. I wanted to die.
E took me to a&e. The doctor was on drugs I think, but she got me a mental health assesment that day.
I was scared, incase they hospitalised me and again id be suffering but with no way of ending it.
E came with me, he was my rock. He held my hand, and was right by my side the whole time. I kept saying sorry, for putting him through this, but he just hugged me and said it was ok.
Two people took us into a room. They were really nice. Very friendly, and so understanding. For about an hour, I spilled out everything from my past, to the problems in my life now. They chatted with me and they really understood. E was right there by my side, holding my hand. I felt release.
They didnt tell me that my life was fantastic, and everything was fine. They told me they understood how difficult things have been, and that id been through a lot - it helped just to have someone understand, instead of trying to make things better than they are.
They told me I had a lot of stress in my life, and also a lot of problems from my past that they thought would benefit from councilling. So they referred me for councilling, and asked me to try and do something today, to celebrate my birthday.
I left that room, feeling two stone lighter. I felt I could breath again. I didnt feel like my world was perfect or that id been cured of the bad memeories, but I just felt like id accepted it.
We went in the car with the dog, to a beautiful spot by the water. One of my favourite past times.
My birthday this year, was yet again - one to remember! But I feel like it was one, well spent. Those thoughts and feelings had been bursting to come out, and when they did I had someone there to support me and catch me when I fell. It will be sometime offloading everything to a councillor, But without a doubt, I think it will help me to be strong, and to forgive life for being so harsh on me.
I was worried about blogging since my birthday, because opening up caused such a tsunami of thoughts and feelings that drowned me to say the least. But once you start opening up, you ease up the back-log, and talking about things becomes easier each time.
I just have to remember, not to bottle things up anymore.
Take care,
Mimi xxx
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Posted by WeeMimi on 2008-04-20 11:25:48 | Rating: | Views: 100
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im glad that it was well spent. ive checked everytime i come on to see if youve posted. finally...something! :)
its amazing what i bit of writing can do.
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Posted by JoshWasHere
on 2008-04-20 11:58:47
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