11091 Blog Feed: Wayne 2008-05-14 16:05:20 Wayne Your e-mail address 96873 2008-05-14 16:22:20 ]]> 94940 2008-05-09 08:47:51
Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

]]> 93060 2008-05-04 08:34:42
The foremost aspect of being a jerk is to make people feel inferior by way of your comments and actions; this also gives you a sense of superiority, which makes you feel important. Also, insults can be spiced up by adding sarcastic and witty remarks. Degrading someone is easy; just greet them with a "Hey, loser", or a cynical "What do you want, _______?" (fill the blank in with your favorite witty obscenity), instead of "Hey, how’s it going" or "What have you been up to lately?". Start off by being sarcastically mean, and you have already got the jump on them. They are on the defensive now. If they continue the conversation with you, then insult them at intervals by rejecting any ideas they present, not laughing at any jokes they tell, or by calling them names and making fun of their appearance. This will make the other person feel insecure and reluctant to talk to you; the people around you will either think your comments are funny (they aspire to be a jerk like you), or they will consider you rude and disgraceful. It doesn’t really matter what anyone else thinks though, does it? You are yourself and no one else; you feel only your feelings and no one else’s; so why should you be concerned with anyone but yourself? You are king in your own mind, and your perception is everything.

If you can’t be bothered to be a witty, sarcastic jerk, you can just be a regular, mean jerk. This kind of jerk is intolerant and impatient (to a higher degree than the other type of jerk), rude, and unsarcastically mean. The next time someone gives you something or does something for you, don’t say thank you or show gratitude; you should even go so far as to complain about what they gave you or how they should accomplish things faster. Don’t be grateful; if you are grateful, people will think that they can win your favor with good deeds; that’s manipulation. You can’t let anyone win your favor; that would show weakness, and you have to be strong to show that you are of great importance. Be disrespectful to everyone, and elders and authority figures especially. Respect can also be linked to weakness, since respecting someone can be taken as giving in and obeying that person. Don’t obey; you are your own person, and you should play by your rules alone. This form of jerk is harder to achieve, since a lot of people will end up disliking you, and this type of jerk is more rotten to the core, but accomplish it and it will make you feel in complete control of your life. There is no one above you.

The key to being a jerk, then, is to believe that you are always at the center of the universe and everything revolves around you. You can’t be put on the same level as any other; that’s why you need to be disrespectful and insulting to others; you need to make everyone else feel lower, and if these people around you feel lower, then you feel higher. That’s what this world is about, getting to the top by stepping on others; the ends justify the means. While you’re working your way up, you’re also having fun at someone else’s expense; belittling others makes you feel good, doesn’t it? Maybe you won’t be the most respected and liked person in the world, and the only friends you have will be jerks; they could turn their cruel ways against you at any time, but you’re ready for them; you’re a jerk too. Fight fire with fire. Even so, that’s just a small price to pay to have the feeling of massive importance born at the expense of others. Besides, you don’t care if those other people are your friends, or if they respect you; they’re not as good as you anyway.


]]> 92748 2008-05-03 07:25:38
# When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.

# If your sister hits you, don't hit her back.

# They always catch the second person.

# Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

# You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

# Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

# Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.

# Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.

# School lunches stick to the wall.

# You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

# Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

# The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED

# Raising teenagers is like nailing JELLO to a tree.

# There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

# One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

# The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere... and let the air out of their tires.

# Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.

# Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.

# Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

# Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.

# Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

# My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

# If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

# You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
]]> 92460 2008-05-02 08:38:48
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

3. Use CB lingo where applicable.

4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.

7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.

8. Answer their questions with questions.

9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.

10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.

11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.

13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

15. Stutter on the letter "p."

16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)

17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.

18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.

21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

23. Change your accent every three seconds.

24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"

26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."

27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."

28. Rent a pizza.

29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.

30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.

32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"

34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.

35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

36. Imitate the order taker's voice.

37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.

38. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."

39. Play a sitar in the background.

40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.

41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

42. Ask to see a menu.

43. Quote Carl Sandberg.

44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.

45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.

48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

49. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"

50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"

51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.

52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.

53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.

55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.

56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.

57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.

58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."

59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."

61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

62. Try to talk while drinking something.

63. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"

64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

66. Be vague in your order.

67. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."

68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.

69. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.

70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."

71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.

72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.

73. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.

74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.

75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.

77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.

78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.

79. Put them on hold.

80. Teach the order taker a scret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.

81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."

82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.

83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"

84. When you'ge given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."

85. Haggle.

86. Order a one-inch pizza.

87. Order term life insurance.

88. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"

89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.

90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.

91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.

92. Engage in some serious swapping.

93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."

94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.

95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.

96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.

97. Order a steamed pizza.

98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.

99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.

If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, 100. Say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."

]]> 91487 2008-04-30 05:00:00
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago".

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really, " he said, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait."Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern redneck." Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."

]]> 91486 2008-04-29 10:38:28
# If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

# All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.

# All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

# It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

# Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

# The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

# You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of you sweetheart back home.

# Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

# The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

# People of TV never finish their drinks.

# A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

# The chief of police is always black.

# When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

# If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.

# Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

# During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

# Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.

# Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.

# Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.

# A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

# If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.

# Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

# Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.

# All single women have a cat.

# Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

# Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

# One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.

# Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

# If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello?, Hello?"

# Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.

# It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.

# During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.

# When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

# Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.

# Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

# When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

# Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.

# No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.

# If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.

# You can always find a chain saw whenever you're likely to need one.

# Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

# Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.

# Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.

# All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

# It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

# Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one.

# Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.

# A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

# If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
]]> 90781 2008-04-27 08:09:24
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES.

He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says:

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES

He realizes that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF MERCY

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.

]]> 89852 2008-04-24 07:44:17 Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-
year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her
grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart
attack while we were making love on Sunday morning. "

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100
years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured the best time to do it was when the
church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm.
Nice and slow and even.

Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be
alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

]]> 89173 2008-04-22 08:25:42 2. You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations.
3. You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.
4. You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.
5. You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday.
6. You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper.
7. You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops.
8. You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.
9. You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.
10. You've used the same knife to make bull calves steers and peel apples. ]]> 88521 2008-04-21 03:00:00
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished

And:
1 time, I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

To My Dear Husband:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat

36 times you did not come home at all

21 times you didn't cum

33 times you came too soon

19 times you went soft before you got in

38 times you worked too late

10 times you got cramps in your toes

29 times you had to get up early to play golf

2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls

4 times you got it stuck in your zipper

3 times you had a cold and your nose was running

2 times you had a splinter in your finger

20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day

6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book

98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV

Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was ,"Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

]]> 88534 2008-04-20 10:32:19 This was sent to me by my good friend Missmarie and I thought I would share it with all of you too..

King Arthur and the Witch:

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still h ad no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princesses, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Ro und Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom . But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT...make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?


"Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself".

"Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

"Now....what is the moral to this story?







The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly

 

]]> 88203 2008-04-19 07:20:09
9. After signing off, he always has a cigarette.

8. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive.

7. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up.

6. He's gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand.

5. Every day, Bill Gates sends 10 million dollars worth of flowers.

4. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underwear.

3. During sex she screams "A COLON BACKSLASH ENTER INSERT!!!!"

2. The fax file is filled with pictures of some guy's ass.

1. Lipstick on the mouse.

]]> 87903 2008-04-18 07:22:07
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

5. You want to see if it's like the dream.

6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

10. No one steals your chair.
]]> 87603 2008-04-17 09:10:36
9. Uses Jedi powers to shake up your root beer right before you open it.

8. He's always accusing you of hiding his asthma inhaler.

7. Claims he paid you the rent "a long, long time ago."

6. Dances around in nothing but cape and cowboy hat while doing "Darth Brooks" routine.

5. For once he could use Force to lift his wet towel off the couch.

4. That scary music that plays when he enters a room gets old real fast.

3. You feel like an idiot saying, "No, Darth isn't here. He's on the ice planet Hoth."

2. Not easy cleaning burnt Ewok fur off the barbecue grill.

1. Constantly doing his lame James Earl Jones impression.
]]> 87186 2008-04-16 07:04:34
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane . . . only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

]]> 86680 2008-04-14 22:05:55 Attitude, to me is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures,than stress, than success' than what other people think or say and do.
It's more important than appearance. giftedness or skill.
It can make or break a church or family..a home.

We have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day, we cannot change our past, we cannot change that people will act in a certain way.
We can not change the inevitable.
The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have,
We cannot change the inevitable, the only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude....
I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.. ]]> 85855 2008-04-13 03:00:00
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.

How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.

What makes life 100%?

If

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented

as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then,

H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But,

A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And,

B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hardwork and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.

And look how far .........

A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

will take you.

]]> 85849 2008-04-12 07:30:14
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked the second man.

"Hmm....let me see. A BLINK ! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of.."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye ... that's a very popular cliche for speed." He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.

Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

The last man replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain," said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already crapped my pants!

]]> 85564 2008-04-11 08:33:52
As a graduate of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of my coworkers and me during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.

Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time.

You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will.

You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Since this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for you to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favorites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favorably by the administration.

3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your Mother's birthday," you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please; I hate having to correct your mistakes.)

Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never f*** with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you do with all that free time!

Wishing you a grand and glorious day,

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