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There, but for the grace of God, go I...

I am easily confused. Yet, I...
I don't know. I just really don't know anymore.
Wait. Yes. Yes, I DO know! I know, for example, that in both the states of North Carolina and Texas that - due to Clinton's interference (Dear God, please do not elect Hilary to office) - that a welfare receipient is not - by policy - able to collect both TANF - Temporary Assistance to Needy Families - and child support. I know that, when a first-time welfare receipient agrees (and signs in blood for) TANF payments from the GOVERNMENT (not just their particular state) that they are ALSO signing and agreeing to allow the GOVERNMENT (and not just their particular state) to 'pursue the absentee parent for child support' ... for the custodial parent ... and the children in question ... so that the GOVERNMENT (and not just their particular state) can collect all monies.
"Government policy dictates that the state of ... TEXAS ... NORTH CAROLINA ... (Government policy dictates ... GOVERNMENT) ... WILL get their money back!" I was told this recently by a Texas State Attorney Child Support Representative. By now, I really should have known to have asked her name (or remembered it). I am passed to so many, though. I have never spoken to so many voicemails, so many departments, so many different offices, so many different counties, so many different public officials, so many whom catergorically state that they handle THIS but they do not handle THAT.
All I want to know is: What about the children? I thought our government, we the people, cared about our children. This saddens me. I am called a fool - called naive' - because this saddens me. I do not understand. Or, perhaps, I simply refuse to understand!
Damn it! What about our children?
We are stuck here, so many of us. And we came here, all of us, because we wanted to take care of our children; because we needed help. We didn't want charity. We had pride, dignity.
"Our tax dollars, some of MY tax dollars ..." I said. She disagreed.
"YES, Ma'am, they DO!" I counteracted. I wasn't supposed to do that. I am nothing, a moo cow; a peon. I buy my food with food stamps.
"I do not WANT the TANF!" I screamed. "I don't understand why you are trying to make me take it and why you are taking the child support money!"
I don't understand any of this at all but I know that it is wrong ... and I know that I have proof. And I know that I am not the only one.
And I know that enough is enough.
"I am trying to help you." Ms. Dawn Lumpkins, social worker ... Killeen, Texas ... said. "The TANF will provide you with more revenue each month."
"Ms. Lumpkins, I am confused. I was told two years ago that I was not supposed to receive both TANF and child support. In fact, there was miscommunication ... Mary Duffel, another social worker ... I had to file a complaint on Ms. Duffel as a result."
"The TANF will provide you with more revenue each month."
"Ms. Lumpkins, I am confused. I want to be self-sufficient. I do not want the TANF."
She never did help me. I had to think. I had to think a lot ... and hard ... and it hurt to do so. I am on my medicine, yes ... and I don't know if this makes it easier ... or more difficult ... I am truly beginning to wonder ... oh, yes ... I am beginning to wonder a lot.
She quoted me numbers. I told her I didn't like numbers ... I may have even explained to her that I did very well with words but ... rarely with numbers.
But I remembered the two main numbers that she quoted ... rapidly ... quoted rapidly. I remembered and I thought. It took me many days and many phone calls. I discovered what I had already known but had forgotten. What I had, perhaps, not exactly known but had suspected ... contemplated ... grimaced about.
I had requested that the case be closed in NC and re-opened in TX. During the first month, I was alloted a partial TANF payment and a partial child support payment (Ron had really only just begun paying again, having just discovered that I was on the trail again). The state of TX is now deducting that partial TANF payment from my current child support payment and, I suspect, does not want me to close out my TANF case because - finally - I am due to receive only the SECOND of his income tax return checks.
Thus far, neither state has actively pursued him on my behalf. I find it ironic that, now that he is finally paying, they suddenly want to be so actively involved. Nothing but a bunch of beaucrats.
Everyone in America wants to know where our family values have gone. They are, apparently, in the dollar bill. And since I can't even tell you whose face they are smiling out at us from (since I can't remember and I don't have a dollar to look at), I am worth absolutely nothing. My family has even practically disowned me.
If I publish my journals, follow through on my non-profit organization, will I truly be any better then this entity I am fighting against? I don't think so. In fighting it, I am becoming a part of it.