The first time I knew ... that I was different was when my cousin and I were in the bath together ... I don't know how old I was ... but I remember looking at her and thinking ... there is nothing there ... like mommy, and daddy, nothing there ... no "hurt" on her ... just like there is "no hurt" on most people ... and I remember feeling sad and lonely ... but I didn't fully comprehend the feelings and emotions ... and sometimes ... I wonder if I ever will understand why I am someone who has a "hurt" ...

                                                   

What do you do as a child when you discover you don't "work" like everyone else ... such as in P.E when you are ordered by doctors to "sit it out" ... or when you don't "sit it out" and you end up sick, or when you run and get so tired so fast ... that's why for me ... it wasn't even the scars that bothered me ... because there were other handicapped children at our school and I knew my scar was not as bad as being mentally handicapped so I was very thankful as a child that God had allowed my mind and body to look normal ... wow should any child think that way ... I guess God knows my heart would know what my physically heart couldn't give me was just a way of learning what is really important in life ...

I used to be so angry at God for letting "ME" ... I mean "ME" of all people have a heart condition ... I could die from this ... and this is my "path" ... my "cross" ... what did I do to deserve this ... but then I realized ... that as a Christian from day one my parents had known God's Love before I was born ... I don't think either one of them know it ... but I praise Jesus Christ every time I get to call "Home" and know either one could answer ... they have made it through a lot and any parent of any child who is disabled deserves a lot of credit ... but I'll blog about that later ...

Oh I used to sit in my room and cry ... I realized that I was being touched by the words of society ... and sometimes society is tells you bad things (for Christians will understand I'm speaking of the evil in life) ... but people with disabilities aren't evil ... they are true products of God ... and it took me a long time to realize God's love for me ... and of course all of them ...

I had to learn that Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit know your soul inside and out ... and that is the only way you are judged by them on this Earth ... so how is a person who is mentally retarded and can't even walk to commit a sin ... at all evil ... they aren't ... but it's God's way of testing other's faith and of course their's as well ...

How many times have you stared at someone different ... because when I go to the beach I get stared at ... and I'll be honest ... it hurts ... I'm not a freak ... and as a child I knew the first time I was different would be the beginning of my test of faith ... and for many years ... I let the evil of society tell me who I was ... instead of letting the love of Jesus Christ show me who I was ...

If you are disabled and reading this I would love for you to comment on the first time you knew ...
If you aren't disabled and reading this ... please remember that I have feelings too and so does anyone else who is different ... please take that into consideration next time someone crosses your path ...

God Bless You!