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| An unwanted reminder |
I was bullied when i was a child. By many people. And some of them never knew each other. I just seemed to attract those kind of people. It was not a pleasant experience and since then I have tried to avoid many kinds of social interaction with people who seemed to be of that nature, merely because they seem to have 'that look' or something about them made me nervous of them.
I have read lots on the subject and there are many views, one of which is that if a child has a parent who bullies it then he/she begins to believ e that is how it is supposed to be treat and unconsciously gives submissive signals out for the rest of his life. Bullies pick up on this and so then treat that person accordingly, always forcing their will upon the person and depending on their mentality, how much they hurt the person.
I've gone through my life avoiding situatiions where I would get bullied. I have chosen to be friends with people who seem to respect me and kept that friends list small, possibly due to avoid meeting this bully type of person. I have a very small social life and I am worrying now that I need to make it smaller....because of one guy.
He has that 'look'. He is at the dance class I go to, and I totally know that I am not a very good dancer. I enjoy it greatly, but i struggle with confidence and use only the simplest moves. I know how to do lots but only when the tutor shows us how to do that move on the night. Their are so many I forget for the next time.
Last week we did a kind of dance that meant you changed partners as part of the dance, like a barn dance kind of thing and it was the first time i had done it so when with a partner I did ok but moving on I forgot to move on each time. This guy was right behind me so when i forgot he pushed me. Now it was funny at the time because i realised that i was in the way, no problem. I laughed the first couple of times and then the music was over and the dance fininshed and I left.
Today we are dancing again, including the same dance, and i am praying that he is not near me. I have felt like I did many years ago, dreading doing something that might result in someone picking on me. I have to do the dance today because it is a sponsored event, but i am thinking that Iafter today I may never do another group dance again because i am not good enough to keep the flow of the group going and I don't want to be pushed and shoved into position.
Maybe I'm reading too much into this, it has even crossed my mind to give up the class and find another, run away again, same as I always have. Just avoid the people that make my life uncomfortable. I worry that because of the way I am hard wired that social occasions just are not me.
I know its a self esteem thing. I know that i have to face my fears. But it frightens me. And that might sound stupid for a 224lb man. But when you are not of an aggressive nature, its real. I hope today goes well. Because ienjoy my dancing alot, its very fun. But worrying about it has cast a shadow over it all and I'm not happy any more.
But maybe I'm reading too much into it, and i should just get on with it and try to have fun. I hope i can. But right now, I'm not confident.
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Posted by Waasyon on 2009-11-08 03:51:30 | Rating: | Views: 17
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