Why do people make things difficult for themselves? Why can't they just be happy with what they have? Why do we have to make seemingly easy decisions into giant choices that haunt us for weeks and weeks until we can't take it anymore?

I am one of these people. And of course, I'm grappling with an incredibly easy decision. Again.

I do this every so often. I think it's because of my constant need to be confused. If there's a chance for me to be happy, I can't actually be happy; I always expect that something is going to go wrong. So I guess I create things to go wrong. I have to make things difficult for myself.

This is, of course, a decision about two boys. I'm a teenager, after all. Lets call the boys Mark and Talan.

We'll start with Mark. Mark is a great guy. Fifteen. As smart as they come. He's pretty much my normal type of crush. Preppy, outgoing, not exactly popular but not a loner. I've liked him since we flirted in science class about a month ago.  He's liked me since he first saw me. (His words, not mine.) He's incredibly sweet, and I could talk to him on the phone for hours. If you really knew me, you would know what a rare occurance this is. I hate talking on the phone. I always feel so exposed and awkward. But not with Mark. I could talk to him on the phone for hours. He's a bit shy and self-conscious. He wants to ask me out, you can tell, he just can't seem to get up the courage to actually do it. I can't seem to get him out of my head.

Then there's Talan. He's one of my best friend's boyfriend's best friends. I met him a few weeks ago. I had no idea he even liked me as a friend; we didn't really talk all that much. Then he asked me to prom. I thought it a bit weird, considering we had just met. But as I continued texting him, I realized that he's actually an extremely intelligent, heartfelt person. He wears his heart on his sleeve, which is something I like about him. Most guys hide behind their emotions, but not Talan. Talan practically screams that at you. It's a bit unnerving; I can't decide if it's in a good or bad way. Talan gets under my skin. Incredibly opinionated about practically everything, conversations with him are never boring or predictable. Talan told me he likes me tonight. I can't decide what to think about it. How can I decide what I think about him liking me when I can't even decide what I think about him?

I know I'm going to choose Mark. At least, in my heart, I know I'm going to choose Mark. My heart wants me to choose Mark. My heart and my head,  however, rarely agree about anything. My head is going into a state of distress, forcing me to make endless pro-con lists and revisit every experience I have ever had with either of them. Every single encounter is on constant replay in my mind. Thoughts of the future I could have with either of them bounce around around the walls of my head. Even though Mark is constantly on my mind, and my heart races at the thought of him, I'm scared that my mind will refuse to let my heart win. 

I'm scared of missing things. I've always been terrified of missing out, of regrets. After all, you can't go back in time and change the things you've done, the choices you've made. I guess I'm scared of missing things with Talan, no matter how bad I want Mark. I know I have to decide, and I"m going to miss out on one of them. I wish life wasn't full of choices. Life would be much easier. Boring, but easier.

I want my heart to win. I really, really do. I'll keep you posted.