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Do you know what the differences between being a peacekeeper and being a peacemaker are? Have you ever thought about it? How do you handle confrontation or conflict? Will you do anything to keep the peace? Is that being a peacekeeper or a peacemaker, the answer just may surprise you. What does God call us to be? There are five elements of biblical and godly confrontation which we will study about. Men and Women differ in their views and we will learn why. In this study we will focus on how women handle conflict and why they handle it in the ways that they do. Men, continue to read this concerns you as well.

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all? Some day my prince will come. Go on bite the apple and true love’s kiss will wake you up after you fall into a deep sleep. Do any of these sound familiar? As little girls we grow up with fairy tales and we begin to get our sense of identity from them as far as what women should be like and what we can hope for. We also learn how to handle conflict or not handle conflict within these fairy tales.

A. Our Role Models as Women During the Growing Up Years

1. Snow White – Oblivious to anything that was going on. Exactly where was her father and why did she live with the seven dwarfs?

2. Cinderella – Perpetual conflict with her “ugly” step sisters and her excruciatingly “mean” step mother. They were jealous of her “beauty” and treated her like second class citizen, outsider.

3. Sleeping Beauty – waiting for true love’s kiss to wake her from her sleep and swoop her off her feet to live happily ever after.

B. Two Pictures of How Women Handle Conflict

1. Passive = Beautiful, sweet, helpless. We learn these traits from all of the fairy tales listed above. Women were indeed beautiful, sweet and helpless waiting and needing to be rescued.

2. Aggressive = Ugly, unkind, controlling. Just how mean were those ugly step sisters and the ugly witches we heard about growing up?

Even today, we can choose to either become passive or aggressive especially when dealing with conflict or maintaining peace. Many times we are literally taught to pretend and aim for peace at any price. We learn that beautiful women are quiet and submissive, helpless and waiting for prince charming to come, sweep us off our feet so we can live happily ever after. We learn sometimes that the “prince” is the answer to all of our woes and we diligently wait for him or seek him out. He will be charming, respectful, handsome, strong, tall, a perfect dancer, rich, and approach us riding on a white horse and offer us his entire kingdom and we will be embraced by his people as their queen or princess. Or we learn the exact opposite to be overbearing, controlling, demanding, independent and distrustful - of men especially. If we have been hurt and abused we will not allow anyone in too close, we expect them to hurt us, let us down, lie, cheat, and mistreat us. Men are all dogs we learn – from those that are hurt and bitter. Some learn to take them for everything they have got. Some try to live up to the ridiculous and fake lifestyles of the celebrities, music moguls, divas, thugs and thug wannabes. Why is our perception so off? Does anybody REALLY live this way? Fairy tale or bling bling? Seriously, where is our example coming from? Do we really learn to pretend and to “front” in order to appear like we are in control and there is no conflict in our lives?

Why do we settle when we are being mistreated, abused and used? Why do we convince ourselves that ANY love is better than god-ordained, god-appointed love for us? Why are some willing to do anything in order to keep the peace? This is being a peacekeeper, not a peacemaker. God calls us to be peacemakers there is a huge difference. When we look at the relationship and are willing to do anything to preserve the relationship then we are being a peacemaker. In order to do this though, we must face our conflicts and learn how to deal with confrontation in a godly way.

Matthew 5:9 says “Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.” In this context the bible is speaking of valuing the relationship and not hurting the people involved, not doing anything to keep the peace. We are not instructed to keep silent just to keep the peace if a wrong is being done to us or to others, that is not being a peacemaker; that is being a peacekeeper. Not speaking to someone for years at a time is not being a peacemaker, it is being a peacekeeper. Avoiding conflict is what peacekeepers do; confronting conflict in a godly manner is what peacemakers do.

How To Tell Exactly who you are and where you are
Ask yourself these questions:

1. Am I self centered, or others centered? Do I try to please others or only myself?
2. Am I God centered? Do I try to please God?
3. Am I a peacekeeper willing to do anything to avoid conflict?
4. Am I a peacemaker willing to confront conflict in a godly way in order to preserve the relationship and restore the individuals in the relationship?

We learn that conflict means or equals disagreement, arguments. The bible speaks of reasons for conflict.

Reasons for Conflict

1. Disapproval (Numbers 12)
Miriam and Aaron criticized Moses because he had married a Cushite woman. They disapproved of this decision.

2. Jealousy (1 Samuel 29)
King Saul jealous of David. Saul has killed his thousands, and David his ten thousands’. “What have I done to deserve this treatment?” David demanded. “What have you ever found in your servant, that I can’t go and fight the enemies of my lord the king?” The Philistine commanders are afraid to have you with them in the battle. Now get up early in the morning, and leave with your men as soon as it gets light.

 3. Selfishness (James 4) and Pride
“Selfishness is when we demand what we want without consideration for what others want.”
You want what you don’t have, so you scheme and kill to get it. You are jealous of what others have, but you can’t get it, so you fight and wage war to take it away from them. Yet you don’t have what you want because you don’t ask God for it. God opposes the proud
but favors the humble

4. Being sinned against
When people hurt us or sin against us it causes conflict. No one likes to be done wrong or hurt in any capacity.

5. Differences (Old woman or young woman)?
When we have different views it will sometimes cause conflict even though we both may be right. In other times one is definitely wrong and one is right.

God’s Way

A. Be a Peacemaker Not a Peacekeeper
1. Psalm 34:14,Hebrew 12:14,Romans 12:18
2. Peacemaker – Pursues real peace (shalom) at the risk of conflict.
3. Restoration of the relationship is the goal.
4. Being a Peacemaker Does not Come Naturally to Us.
5. We need God’s help.

B. Must Empty of One’s Self
1. God’s agenda not our agenda
2. Aim is God’s glory and the restoration of the relationship

What Does a Peacemaker Do?

A. Wants to understand – Willing to listen (James 1:19-20)
19 Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.
20 Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires.

1. See from others point of view
2. Don’t interrupt
3. Don’t attack
4. Have heart to listen
5. Philippians 2:1-5 -   1 Is there any encouragement from belonging to Christ? Any comfort  from his love? Any  fellowship together in the Spirit? Are your hearts tender and compassionate?    2 Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and purpose.    3 Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves.   4 Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.   5 You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.

B. Learns to Speak the Truth in Love (Ephesians 4, Proverbs 27)

1. Reckless words/vomit

When to Speak Up

A. Is the matter dishonoring to God? (Romans 2)
B. Is the matter hurting them? (Galatians 6:1)
C. Is the issue hurting our relationship? (Matthew chapters 5 & 18)

How to Confront Someone Biblically

• Start with prayer
• Consult with others (Don’t gossip - seek counsel)
• Choose the right time and place
• Say it in person
• Plan your words
• Watch your tone of voice and body language
• Make it factual, truthful, and loving
• Ask for their perspective, and listen carefully to their point of view.

Conclusion

A. Jesus’ greatest mission was reconciliation
B. Our job is to pursue peace…(Romans 12)
C. Trust Christ with the outcome

We cannot stop conflicts from arising but we can choose to act rather than react all the time. How we handle conflict is what matters. Are we being peacekeepers or peacemakers? Women have to be mindful of the false fairy tales that have been embedded in our hearts as we grew up. Men have to be careful not to think they are weak or feminine for wanting to talk or be willing to listen. If someone is fighting for control, there is no point talking at that time, more conflict will arise. Prayer really does help to cool things and people off. We have more incredible tools at our right hand than we even realize. We have to make an effort to use the power and the way that God gave to us. Conflicts are inevitable, destroying another person or breaking their spirit is always optional and a choice. Will you choose to be a peacekeeper or a peacemaker?