Anger is all consuming. Devouring. Once it gets started, it is a force to be reckoned with to stop. Anger is like the blazing wild fires, entirely natural but unstoppable. Those in its path die. Homes it its path burn.
Once the anger has burned through you, it leaves nothing but remnants behind. You feel so empty, so lost. The anger that has burned you from the start is burning you again. You become angry at the loss. Upset with yourself for allowing such a thing to happen. The cycle begins again, and soon there will be nothing left to live for.
How to stop it? First off, I think some people are just born more prone to having a short fuse. Yes, we can work on this fuse, yes we can learn patience and yes we can learn how to deal with those who light our fuse, but I definitely think some people just anger more quickly than others. Whether it be genetics, the environment we grew up in (the nature versus nurture debate), or whatever planetary phase we were born in (Zodiac business) there’s some of us who are just that way. I also believe that anger has its place in the world. Anger…passion…the two can be confused easily. Regarding myself, I am more prone to passion, and sometimes it is blinding. I digress…anger can do some great things in this world, anger gets people moving and it can initiate change.
Now, all that is fine and dandy, but how do you draw the line? How do you allow yourself to work with these passions, but control the fires so that they don’t burn so wildly out of control? There are times, more than I like to admit, that I wish I had no passion in life. I wish I could be calmer and just not give a damn about what happens in this world. There are times when I put on the façade of not caring, even though I do, because sometimes it’s just too much. Sometimes I know I won’t be able to control the fires should I let them go, so I choose to forgo feeling anything. Let me tell you this, I absolutely, without a doubt, hate doing that. It feels wrong; it feels against that which is the curve and path of life.
Perhaps there will be a day when my passions don’t run my life, but do I really want that day to come? Perhaps someday I will venture into the world and be satisfied with what I have (not materialistically speaking), and not want to change a thing, although from the viewpoint I have now, I severely doubt that.
At times I wish I could be more like John. Always calm, always calming those around him, always laughing and always smiling. However, I am not like John nor will I ever be. In fact, I find it a good thing that I am not like him or him like me. My passions and his calming abilities definitely balance us out well. Never has there been a moment that I talk to John and don’t feel instantly better about life in general. I guess you could say he’s the rock in our relationship and I am the ever fleeting hawk, scouring the earth for my prey.
I must say, I wrote this blog a bit ago and just came back to it (written at work, partly in the am this part is the afternoon) and am realizing how much my feelings have evolved, rather calmed, since writing this. I suppose we all have our forms of expression, and many of us on thoughts all have our writing to calm us. It is the same for me. Sometimes John will ask me why not just write a diary instead of writing a blog on a website where everyone can read it? While this is, essentially, like a diary to me I think it makes a huge difference when I know others, those that I enjoy the company of, will be reading my writings. It helps with the healing processes of life and I do thank you all for that and I am assuming that you all feel the same way or you too wouldn’t be writing on here.
The tattoo on my back is a representation of balance. It is a sun and moon, the direct pulls in our lives; the heat, the warmth, and the fire of the sun pulling one direction and the calming, faint glow of the moon pulling us in the other direction. The key is to balance the two out, to find the happy medium. Sometimes we may bleed over into one more than the other, but then we just have to find out way back to center.
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