Am I incapable of receiving love? Have you ever wondered that about yourself?
Why is it that someone can give me a compliment but I have to respond with something negative about myself in return? I know the answer to that one...it's because I feel selfish, and I feel ashamed of being confident in myself. I feel like if I don't either give someone a compliment in return, or if I don't bash myself, then I am arrogant and rude. My mom always harped on me about learning to accept compliments. To simply say thank you and let it be. I need to work on that.
The past 2 weeks have been hard for me. John and I were struggling. I didn't write about it because...well, I wasn't sure how to put it into words. My thoughts were such a jumble of confusion, pain, anger, sadness and everything in between that I couldn't pin down one to write about, so I just didn't. There were some perceptive few who noticed a bug up my ass, and I thank you two for that. I appreciated it. I still don't really feel like talking about it, truthfully. I don't feel like saying everything that happened. In short I can say that John made a mistake, and then from there we went to almost breaking up. We talked for about 2 days straight (quite exhausting) and then we came to the realization that...we really, truly love each other and we really want to be together.
However, this whole circumstance made me think about this particular topic I began and then drifted from. Am I incapable of receiving love? I think about why I am so good to John (there is no denying this from any angle, call me conceited, but I treat him incredibly well), and I think it's because he appreciates it, and I know that. He genuinely loves when I am beyond kind to him, do something sweet for him, give him compliments (then he just beams with pride and joy, those Leo rising folks will do that, haha), or simply tell him I much I love him. John is a good guy, but he does not outwardly show these things to me as much as I show him. He is sweet to me and tells me he loves me, but I have never really received a simple cute and sweet gesture from him. Never flowers, chocolates, a random dinner date or anything of the sort. Not even in the beginning. This was really bothering me. I thought he was an ass for it...now I am wondering if it's because when he DOES do something sweet, I just blow it off, not knowingly.
What an arse I am.
I guess the only thing we can do when we realize our mistakes and our faults is to work on them and better ourselves from them. If someone or something means enough to you, then you'll do it. It's not changing who I am at the core, just the little things that make life run a little smoother. An oil change of sorts.
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