The battle of the sexes.

As we were driving around yesterday and I actually had a little nasal drip happen with a stuffy nose (totally disgusting by the way), it dawned on me that it would have been so much better to be able to just spit it out than have to swallow it. Yes, I swallowed it, ewwwwwwww!! Just thinking about it now is giving me the huzz.

Well then I realized that THAT is a very male trait. In fact, there are many things a guy can do that I can't/won't do. I'm sure we all know the main one, and I'm going to address that, but with my slightly slanted view on things. I'm not trying to say guys are better for being able to do these things, but there are times I am a little jealous.

So in no particular order, things guys can do that I can't/won't and why I think these are the real reasons behind the Battle of the Sexes:

1. Spitting or "hocking a loogy" - It's the whole build up to the hock really. That disgusting guttural sound of flem and mucus being churned up and formed into a ball for proper hocking. Then it lets go with that resounding, phlot!, as it flies feet away from you. For me, any attempt at spitting ends up with me running to the bathroom to get toilet paper to wipe any dribble from my chin. And under no circumstances would I purposely bring any kind of sick into my mouth for emptying.

2. Peeing anywhere/anytime standing up - This one gets me the most. You know when guys are peeing on the side of the road, there is always an empty driver’s seat and a woman in the passenger seat with her hand to head trying to cover her face as everyone drives by staring into the car. When I was pregnant and peeing every 15 mins, being able to do this on those car trips would have been really nice.

3. Thinking farts and the word fart are funny - If I say that word just once in front of a guy, massive guffaws ensue. And what is the deal with out farting each other? You would never find a bunch of women sitting around letting one rip then expect a rating. And tenting! OMG!! Gross!

4. Killing bugs - I cannot do this! Fear grips me, I am immobilized! Then you are chasing me with the now dead bug around the room. What is wrong with you? I know I am not alone here, although, I know there are a lot of women that don't have any problems doing this, but will make you take out the garbage.

5. Not crying at sappy movies - I cried at Revenge of the Sith. And some of the guys did too, some. What the heck? Why do guys hold in their emotions at something that so obviously calls for some kind of crying reaction? And I don't mean the gut wrenching Saving Private Ryan, Black Hawk Down, A Perfect World crying...I'm talking, A Little Princess, Iron Giant, My Dog Skip crying...

6. The three S's - Not you unibrow plucking, tan in a bottle applying, "product" using metrosexuals, I'm talking about real everyday men. You're done in 10 or 15 minutes, and you look great, except, "are you really gonna wear that?" But here I am 45 minutes later still trying to get my hair right, I haven't even started my make up and OMG! "Do I look fat in this dress?"

7. Think being a lesbian is HOT and being a homosexual is wrong - Do I even need to get into this? That's a double standard you misogynistic bastards. Most women think the same of both, right, wrong or indifferent. But they are both the same.

8. WILL NOT change the toilet paper/replace a light bulb/look for the remote - One word, LAZY! (This also explains the stains in the underwear.) Get up off the Lay Z Boy to change the channel and find the remote. Because seriously, I'm not sure how much more of the Chuck Norris infomercial I can take before I throw a shoe at the tv.

9. Be sexually excited in 3 seconds flat - Not that Security Chief Lt. Tasha Yar wasn't a hottie and all, but how the heck can you get a boner with her wearing that costume and THAT haircut? Seriously, come on now! Why can't I do that? It takes me at least 15 minutes to be that excited, unless of course you're Orlando Bloom, but you're not.

10. Lie to us about being the most beautiful woman in the room, not looking fat in the dress, your hair really doesn't look bad that short, your cooking IS the best, spending time with your family, not being upset about missing the first 30 minutes of the game to go to church with you - For this we cannot fault you, for this we say "Thank you dear! "

You guys are gross, beautiful, strong, weak, intelligent, dumber than a doorknob, but God blessed you with the heart and soul to put up with us! Because if it were a bunch of women running around and someone asked if they looked fat in this dress, the answer would be yes! This is where when we look at you, through all your maleness, we will see the best part of our lives. YOU!

There is nothing more fun than the Battle of the Sexes. Why? Because you guys find new and interesting ways to be men, and we will find new and interesting ways to be women.

~Tet~