Hummm, well this is my first time on here and I'm not really sure where to start, I've had a lot of crap going on lately and a good friend suggested this site. I'm 20 years old, engaged to a great man and we have a beautiful 8 month old daughter... So what's the problem right? Well, Keith's only a great man when he wants to be and lately I've been feeling like I'm being shut down by him, Like all of the life has been sucked out of me. I know that seems a little harsh, it's just hard because I love him so much, and it seems like everything else is more important than me and Melina. Last night for example, he went out with a good family friend,Cj, and they were looking at some houses (we are thinking about moving) so when it started getting dark I called and asked him if he'd be home soon, I told him Melina is teething and she's been driving me nuts today, I asked him to try to make it quick and come home so I could have a bit of a break. Well an hour later I'm sitting outside smoking figuring he'll be home anytime now, and I get a phone call, "hey babe I'm at Joeys (another good friend), I'm going to hang out here for a bit and smoke a few ciggeretts. I'll be home later" I said wait your going to be out longer? I called you and told you I needed you to come home and help with Melina. And he says, well I'm already over here I'll be home soon....haha, by soon he ment 2 hours later, by that time she was in bed and all he had to do was come home and lay down! And this is just one example of how his friends come before his family.
I use to be a very outgoing artsy person, I was rather bitchy and I knew what I wanted and that's what I went for. That's what attracted Keith to me and me to him, he is very simillar. I always want the best for my friends and family, ALWAYS even if it means something not so great for me for a bit. Now don't get me wrong, Keith has a great heart and he loves to help people, but not generally at his own expense.
It all started when I got pregnant really, it was a mess. I quit my job June 16 and had been looking for a new one, on the 4th of July we went to Keith's aunt Debbie's house and she looked at me and said "your pregnant" about as matter of fact as you can get,(she even took my drink away and made me put out my smoke on the spot!) of course I laughed at her and told her she was silly...the next day she calls me and says I'm telling you Valary go and get a pregnancy test, so I did even though I didn't believe her I figured at least that way no one could say I was....welll oops, I was pregnant. Keith's initial reaction was to get an abortion, I am 150% against that, so I kept the baby, it ws really scary, neither one of us were working, living in a house his mom was paying for and having NO clue whatsoever what to do! I hurt a lot and it was really scary to me to not know what was going on with my body ( I miss it now) I was miserable. and even worse is Keith didn't seem to care what I was going through, he was really excited about the baby now, but not really caring what was going on with me. on the days where I didn't do anything but throw up and sleep, he'd come home from the job he finally found and bitch at me for not doing anything. He never cared that my hips hurt so bad I could hardly walk or that I was feeling sick, well not untill I would break down and then he'd be comforting for a bit. Any slowly, it just got to the point that I believed him. I believed that I was just being lazy. Standing up for myself didn't work so what was the point right? That's when he broke me.
Well for some good points about this man I love, he went to every Dr's appointment with me, and he was there the whole delivery, he cut her umbelical(sp?) cord and put on her first diaper. Even now when he gets home, he will usually play with her for a bit or have her sit with him while he relaxes, he's a great father.
I have let him run me down, and I need to know how to get myself back. I feel it in me when he's not home then he walks in that door and it's like I shrink inside. I want to be able to tell him to fuck off and go and do my own thing when he want's to go play with his RC cars, or just go sit over at Joeys all night, or he's being an ass. I deserve to get to do things. His big thing all the time is, well I work all day and I need my time to do what I want to do.....HELLO!!!! Do you think raising a child is a walk in the park you ignorant asshole!?! No it's hard stressful work. It's beautiful and wonderful, but it is also very hard and very stressfull. Do I not deserve time to myself? I think I do. It's time for me to make some changes, I'm just hoping I can make them without having to leave him. Can anyone help me?
-Valary
Posted by Valarysue on 2007-11-07 09:41:53 | Rating: n/a | Views: 56
First I want you to do this - look at your daughter. Smell her, play with her, love her.
Second I want you to look online for a mommy group, or a circle of friends that may be in your area to help get you out of the house. I'm a member of an online mommy group www.lets-yada-yada-yada.com, it's a great place to vent and just talk. Check it out.
Third - look at yourself in the mirror, you're still the same person - you just have a baby now. If you don't like something, stand up for yourself! Keith didn't make you, he didn't make you change (well the baby did, LOL)... you are you, a mother, a fiance' a woman!
You're not alone, my husband puts his friend before me all the time, he too races RC cars.. thankfully I have friends who I can go hang out with who LOVE me and my daughter, so that takes some of the stress off of me.
I understand where you're coming from. I'm a single mother. I love My daughters father but only because he is her father, not for any other reason. It hurt to come to that conclusion because I had put so much effort into making the relationship work, but it was a one-way street. I feel your pain I really do. There's no reason to stay in something because of a child, I truly believe that a child is better in a house with one parent who's happy than with 2 and there be tension. Since I told him I didn't love him any other way than being her father, it was like I set him free and found out his true ways. He doesn't see his daughter and doesn't want to, he just wants to pay his child support and leave us alone. I would rather it be that way than us still be together and miserable, because we didn't really love each other we felt like we had to be together for her. My daughter and I are so happy now. I haven't been with him in 4 years and it was the best move I ever made. It's hard being a single mother, but it's worth it to be happy. Good luck to you, you're in my thoughts.
Men can be pretty dumb i think. THey don't really have a "nurturing" gene. It also sounds like Keith was not ready to become a father yet so i can kind of understand how he is being a little resiliant. Its no excuse however. "If you are willing to do the deed you have to be willing to face the consequences" tragicallly most people are not. But you really don't need him to take a break. You can always ask someone to look after your daughter for you even for just a few hours and go catch a movie or something with a friend of yours or even by yourself. (honestly going to the movies by yourself is so much fun! You get to see what movie YOU WANT to see and you don't have to worrk aout if the person you are with is enjoying themselves.
And yeah you for sure deserve a break once in a while. however sometimes asking for that from your siggy is like talking to a wall.
So talk to him about it and how it makes you feel.... if he doesnt change then he obviously doesn't care and maybe its a situation just like 'Mamacita925' has experienced.
