26563 Blog Feed: UtopiaDawn 2008-07-04 09:07:51 UtopiaDawn Your e-mail address 118464 2008-07-04 09:44:51 Well again I have not been around here in a few months. I just been away from my computre alot. And when I am on...its just not on here.. .I have lost touch with the few people I was in touch with on here.. .and for that I am sorry..
  My life right now just seems so routine. I mean now that its summer I am enjoying the nice weather, when the days are actually nice. But work right now just seems very routine, and lately my heart is not in it. I am thinking about changing jobs, but yet I am not sure. I mean I do like working with the children I do.. but still I just feel like, everything is off. But I guess that can happen in every job.. people van fall into a rut and just feel like "I dont care". Lol maybe I just need a vaction.. Which I plan on taking next month.
   Otehr than work things are going good i guess in my personal life.. I am seeing/spending more time with my boyfriend.. and I am thinking about staying there more this summer, once I get use to my summer schedual. And work out what days to stay with him. Plus I am hoping too see more of my friends this summer since we will have more days off together.
    Anyways I am not sure how long I will stick around here again.. but at least I am back again... to vent when I need to and jsut get my thoughts out and such...
  

]]> 92913 2008-05-03 19:29:12 ITs been a while since I last updated.. Mostly because I have not been online much.. and if I was it wasnt for very long. I alpologize to the people I meet on here. I hope that any of you think I am giving you a brush off or anything. Just been busy with life and stuff.
       Anyways things have been good for me... not much reall going on. Just been enjoying the nice weather finally. And trying to figure out my summer hours at work.
  MY puppy is growing big! She it over twice the size she was here a few months ago. And she is VERY active. Right now she is playin with on of her toys... and running up and down my hall.
  Anyways.. I am off.. just wanted to update and say HI to everyone

]]> 87275 2008-04-16 13:10:29 Lately I been amazed by how fast the days just go by. I mean right now its the middle of April, and it seems like the other day it was Christmas. Where does the time go. I mean when I was younger it seemed like forever until a brithday or holiday came around. And now that I am older, the days just seems to blur by.
  That is what i feels like.. all the days are bluring together. lol
  The other day my friend who graduated with me were talking about how in two years time our 10 year High School reunion will be here. And that is hard to believe. 
  For me I have almost been working at my job for a year now... well in july it will be, but still. Plus this time last year I was on work placement training. ( from my college course) and that doesnt feel like it happened that long ago.
 Anyways I think i am done with my ramblings on about how fast the days go by... I just had some time to kill today and felt like typing out stuff. Take care one and all ]]> 84094 2008-04-07 15:08:35 Its all a state of mind...How many of us have heard that statement.
  For me I guess that statment has been holding true for the past few days. Since the weekend I have been in such a great mood.. and I am not sure why or what caused it.. but I haev been and still am. The more I feel good about being in a good mood, the better I feel.
  I mean I think about were I am at right now in my life, I have a job that I enjoy doing... I mean sure I have days where I am worn out by the end of it, and stressed. But everyone has those days. Seeing the kids smile and laugh makes it all worth it. I am enjoying my car,I mean sure money is tight right now and will be until I get my bank account back up, but I am managing well.
  The weather is warming up more and more each day.. and I am loving it... the sun shine, the blue skies.. and the snow going away. I hope it only gets nicer.
   I am enjoying my puppy..I mean she still has "accidents" around the house. But its hard to stay mad at her sad pouty pug face.
   I am slowly making some plans for my wedding.. nothing that is set in stone yet, but still just thinking and such.
  Anyways I am not sure why I been feeling to high on life lately.. but I hope its lasts...

]]> 82055 2008-04-01 20:00:00 Hmm I tried to post something a while ago, but I dont think it gotten posted since it is not showing up in my bolg.
 Oh well I guess I will just have to try and rememebr what i wrote. Hmmmm
 So far I am liking my new car, I had it now for about 3 weeks. And its great, easy to drive, good on gas, and all that good stuff. I am very happy with it. A way better improvement compared to my old car. I wonder what happened to it, all i know its that it lasted me for five years, but how it made it through the last two months I never know.
   My pug puppy Daisy is settling in good. I have her at my place a few nihgts a week, then my boy friend keeps her at his place a few nights a week. We try and plan it around our days off and how long we work in a day. She is very much a puppy, she likes to play, nip, and has brust of energy. The only thing is that she is having problems with pooping on the floor. She has pee pads, and does use them very wel when ever she is left alone for  the day. ( I leave her in the hall way with the bathroom door open and a baby gate at the end of the hall). But if she is running around the house.. she wont seem to uset them unless she is brought to it. But she is still a young puupy and will learn.
   Work has been slowly starting to get to me.. dont get me wrong I love my job and what I do, its just my nerves lately seem to be growing shorter and shorter.I work with childern with specail needs, I have 7 kids in all I see in the run of my work week. Each on a different diffculty level. And well right now I feel like I am in a rut and ready to have some time off and re charge my batteries so to speak. But talking to co-workers, I guess I am not the only one feeling like that.. I think it may just haev to do with the time of year and such. I am so looking forward to the sun shine and warm weather again.
  Hmm sleep has not been great for me lately.. I seem to only sleep a few hours a night... 4 or 5.. but for me I guess thats normal.. Since my teens I been going through months were I sleep good, and months were I sleep bad. But I rather sleep 4 hours a night, than sleep all night and wake up feeling like i didnt sleep at all. Lol that too lately I been having a puppy in bed with me that wants up to snuggle.. and she snores...loudly.
  Well thats about it for now... hope this post will post

]]> 73762 2008-03-10 20:39:05 Lets see in my last blog I mentioned about getting a new car. Well this time tomorrow I will have a Toyota Yaris sitting in my drive way . Last thrusday I went back to the dealership and test drove the matrix, It was okay, but I was not very comfortable in it. So I test drove the yaris. and I was like wow... i love it. So me and the dealer went back to the dealership. Talked some numbers, he introduced me to the accountant dude and we talked more numbers and figures. I gave him my info.. and he did up the papers to see if i was gonna be approved. Since at that time i wasnt 100% on it. He told me that he would call me back as soon as he could. So I left there, drove maybe 5mins to the mall. Took out my cell phone and I had a message. IT was the accountant asking me to call him back. I did, he said "You are approved!" Then he gave me to the dealer, he asked me if i wanted it.. I told him yes, I will have to let you know though. Friday I talked to my parents, they said if i think i can do this then go for it. You already own everything you have, nothing wrong with taking out a loan to get a new car that wont fall apart on you.
  So that now brings me to my second baby... Thrusday night I went to my boy friends. I had to knock on the door since it was locked. He opens the door and there in his arms was a baby, well 8 week old PUG Puppy. She is such a cute little thing. She likes attention, and likes to lick and bite and all those things that puppies do. My boy friend said well you can take her home for a few nights. And I will take her some time next week. I guess for right now we are gonna take turns keeping her. Anyways I brought her to my place that night and she seemed to settle in fast. Lol I think she rules the roost over the cat right now. Since my cat does not know yet if she likes the puppy or not. So far Daisy ( the puppy) has been putting the run to angel ( the cat).  Its been about four days and nights.. and Daisy it now settled, I wonder how she is gonna do when I take her to her Daddies tomorrow. When I go pick up my car!!
]]> 71255 2008-03-04 18:57:14 Well I am in the market to buy a new or newer car. I am looking at anything from a 2004 and  2008. So far the best deal I acutally found tonight. A 2004 Kia.. that can work with in my budget. So I may go with that one... Either that or a Toyota Yaris or Corolla. But I have to wait and see. I have till next week or mid month to make up my mind.
  Now the only thing is that my parents are offerning me to buy their car. Well suv. But I dont really want it. I mean I am happy that they would want me to have it. But I kinda want to get a car on my own.. I know they want to help, but yet its like they think I shouldnt go new or newer..
   I dont really know what to do... I  mean should I just go with what i want... or should I play it save and take my parents up on their offer

]]> 70179 2008-03-02 08:43:58 Well so far March has been coming in like a lion. Yesterday it started snowing around 1ish... and it snowed until 9ish at night then stopped. And now this morning it is snowing again. I am getting sick of snow. Last night I had to shovel out my car sinc eit was burried under snow.. well jsut had alot of snow around it. If I didnt do it last night, i would not have been able to get to it this morning. As it was I had to shovel some more this morning, More so since my father plowed my drive way. On a good note I didnt have to work yesterday nor today. My families I worked with had cancled, due to the weather and the roads. So i am home safe, plus i get paid for it. Since the canceled I still get paid. SO thats kinda good.
  Lets see, not much eles going on. I am starting to look online for a newer car. Have come acrossed afew that I may like. Plan on going to look at them maybe this week. And getting one by next week or the week after.
  Well thats about it for now, I jsut wanted to ramble about my sickness of winter and snow. BOO SNOW  ]]> 67491 2008-02-23 14:26:43 Well things are going okay so far.  Not much really going on right now. Hmm I have a meeting on monday with my supervisor about the chances of me getting a raise at work. I guess every one that works in the area/program that i work in is getting one. But i guess it is all based on A) How many hours a person works. B) How many clients they have. C) What level of experaince or eduaction they have. D) How long they have worked there. SO I have only been there for a few months. Maybe 7 close to 8 now.. so I cant see me being high up on the pay raise... butI guess every one is getting one and it cane be anywheres from a . 50 cent raise to a $2 one i think.. So I am hoping it works out .
  Hmm what else.. between now and next month I am gonna be getting a newer car.. Mine.. is slowing kicking the bucket. How it is still running right now is beyond me. But it does run.. (some what good.) but it needs work done on it. And its just more cost wise to invest in a newer car.. instead of handing over the money to fix up the car to get it passed saftey inspection. But dont get me wrong... my little car is a good working one..(when it wants to be), but its on its last leg.. :(.
  And as i think i mentioned in a ealier blog I am getting married some time this year or next. Well I went dress shopping with my friends yesterday, just for fun, wasnt really planing on buying one. But we all went to a dress shop, picked out a few dresses.. I tried the first one on... and it was it! Now I have tried on a few on my own off and on..and i liked them.. but this one... its me. and the price was a steal! It was on sale for less than half the full cost of the dress. So I am happy. ^_^ Now i gotta get into gear and plan the rest.
  Well thats about it on my end.. thanks for taking the time to read my thougths..


]]> 63387 2008-02-13 18:51:48 For the past few days I have been asking myself why I am doing what i have been to myself. Now I dont want to come out and say it on here. But some people in my life already know. I thought I was okay, and that i was fine... but for the past week I have started doing this "habit". Why i dont know...can i stop sure...but still... i guess i am just admitting it again

]]> 62335 2008-02-11 20:10:27 Hmm okay I came home tonight from work. I Pulled into my yard, parked the car, turned it off. Took the keys out of the ignition. Grab my work bag, and lunch bag. I got out of my car.. walked to my side walk, put the stuff down, because
i had to shovle the snow off my side walk.  SO i went back to pick up my bags, walked up my door step... went to grab my keys.... and they were not in my jacket, or my work bag..Lucky i had  a spare key hidden so I was able to unlock my house. But still my keys got lost some how in the snow i think
 So i came in and grab a flash ligth and wnet back out to look for my keys.. and i can noto find them I spent 30min loooking.. But it is dark out and i can only see so much with  a small flash light. SO  i am hoping that i can fidn them come morning. I am just glad that I haev an extra set of keys..
 But still I have no Idea where they can be and how i lost them in only a few mins.
  Anyways So i gave up looking and baked some cookies instead. And i had some tea and cookies since i got cold looking of rmy keys..
  But still I mean where can they be.. have i lost my mind.... did they just up and disapper... if they did where did they go... will I ever find them

]]> 56194 2008-01-28 08:46:05 Well things are going good lately with my life. Even though not much has been going on.. I still feel at peace with some of the things that have been on my mind lately and bugging me. I am still trying to learn not to over think or worry or dwell on things.. but that is always gonna happen.. I just cant not allow my self not to get to caught up on it.
  SO far my deit has been working good, I lost the about 9lbs in a week.. And I wasnt straving myself, I was eating 4 times a day and drinking 8 to 10 glasses of water a day, plus getting excerise everyday I could. I still wanna lose maybe an other 5lbs then I am gonna slowly go off my deit and stick to eating healthy. With the the occasional sweet and junk food here and there.. I mean come on I cant live with out chocolate!
  Hmm what eles... I found out I may be getting a raise at work, but not sure exactly how much of one.. I have to meet with my boss about it.. ( every one at work is getting one).
   I think thats about it for now so I will end this before I end up typeing out more ramblings about whats going on in my life.. even thought right now i feel like i can just keep typing about stuff....

]]> 51690 2008-01-18 09:51:58 Well things are some what better since my last blog post. I decieded that I want to stay where I am working. I am happy there and I enjoy the work I am doing. Plus my boss wants to try and find me an other client(s) to help out. She did offer me 11more hours of work, but that would mena tha ti would haev to give up a day off. At first I said sure, but later that day I changed my mind after thinking about it more. I talked to her again and she said she understood, and just wants to see me happy, we can work together to find a solution. I am lucky to have such a great and caring boss. I still feel bad for giving her the run around this past week.
  I still have to talk to my parents and tell them what I plan on doing. I still want to stay at my fiace's place a few nights a week. Since he lives about 25mins closer to where I work. He says its okay, and if i want to stay the night just to do so. I dont need "permisson" from him. ( lol I wish he would just say sure i want you to stay as well but he is not like that.. I know that I am welcome there, I just have to stop being wried about it)
  Today I started a deit plan and a work out plan. I hope to try and stick with the diet until I lose the wieght I want. and I hope to stick with my work out plan. Which is just working out for 30mins every morning, plus try and walk the days I can get out and do so. Plus an extra 30mins on my days off from work. Now whether or not i can stick to it I am not sure, but I will try.
  Anyways thats about it for me on my end.. .not much really to say..

]]> 48455 2008-01-10 23:06:52 Well thats the question on my mind today... Should I stay or should I go.. By this I mean leave my job or stay at it. I work with childern that have speical needs, or have a disability. I been there since July of 2007, right after I graduated from collage. I wasnt sure If i was gonna like working there. But after I got to know the kids I work with, and the more I worked with them, I really enjoy the job, and I feel like I have a great connection with most of the kids i work with.
  Now my reason for asking should i maybe leave and find an other job is... I live about 45mins away from the area I work in.. and the pay is well not alot, but enough to live off of. But now with the price of gas getting higher and higher, I am wondering if its worth it. Plus I am gonna need a new car PDQ ( pretty darn quick), and I am wondering if i cna afford everything I am paying now plus a car loan.
  My parents basicly told me... that I should just leave where I am at now, and find a job around home... Even if it mean going back to the factory... I am sorry I wont go back to that place EVER AGAIN!!  I understand where they are coming from really, but I am an adult now, I been living on my own for 5 years now, and yes I know they want whats best for me, but they cant dictate my life to me.  I know they mean well really they just dont wanna see me suffer and fall into a whole I guess.
  I talked to my boss today about what was going on. She told me that she would ahte to lose me since I am doing such a great job with the kids, and she knows that the kids respond great to me. But if I had to leave due to money issues then so be it.. But she offered to Up my hours.. I am working 38hrs a week. She will offer me an other 11hrs a week.. But that means I will haev to give up one of my days off.
  Now I been thinking this all out and trying to weigh my pro's and con's. I am even thinking that if I stay at my Boy friends/ soon to be husband... then I will live closer to the city. ( 20mins a way) and not have to worry about gas.. of bills.. Or even staying there a week on and a week at my place or something.. I donno.. and if i did move in there with him, my parents wont think to much of it, which is something else i am worrying about.. But i guess I should just stop worrying and follow my heart, but right now I am just confused. Any comments or advice is welcome.. Thanks ^_^

]]> 47308 2008-01-08 11:49:04 Its been about a week since I last wrote a blog entry so I thought I would try and write one today.
 Not alot has been going on in my life this past week. All though this time last week I had a bad case of the winter "blahs". Not sure why really, maybe becasue of all the snow that fell, or the fact I did not do much of anything when I was stuck inside. At one point I even felt like I just wanted to either cry or scream until I felt better.. Anyways it went away after I few days and I started to feel like myself again. All though much has been on my mind lately,
  I am thinking about swtiching jobs... All though I really like the job I am doing right now, andI enjoy working with the kids that I see. But financially, I wish the pay was a little more. I am thinking and getting a newer car soon too.Well the main fact is I am gonna need one soon i think. Which means I need to take out a loan to pay for it. I mean my car runs good( for the most part) and such, but its an older car and it seems like things just keep going wrong on it each year.
  I am also trying to start to plan my wedding... I know what type I want and how many people I want there, and the type of reception and such. I am just trying to think of a date, and then try and find everything else.. I may have to hold off a year maybe, I want to talk to my Boy friend about it soon just to get his "two cents" about it. .Even though at first he just told me to plan it all and just tell him when and where to show up. Heck I would just run off and get married today.. if i knew it wouldnt break my families hearts.
  Hmm what else sleep has been both good and poor for me lately.. I been having the same type of dream lately... I think I blame that on thinking about mmy  Boy friend and I, plus reading a book before bed. Some nights I am so tired that I cant sleep, and not even a sleeping pill helps. It normal for me to go through spells where I dont sleep much, but latley, even if i sleep great at night I still wake up feeling like Io hardly spelt at all.
 Anyways I best be going, I need to tidy up my house..My house work has kinda been put off the last few days.. Anyways Bye and take care to all that reads this

]]> 43626 2007-12-31 10:21:47 Well today is new years eve, I was suppose to work today then go out later, But looking out my window at the snow that is falling... I dout I am going anwhere today nor tonight. Oh well I guess it give me a chance to be alone with my thoughts and reflect and this past year.. things that have been good, things that have not been so good, things i need to improve or work on.. and all that stuff.
  But sometimes I think to much, lol.I just want to reflect on my past year, it has been good for the most part.. I graduated from college, gotten a jod I enjoy doing, I got engaged to the man I am in love with. I have admitted to a habit I have and trying to stop myslef from doing it.
Anyways no big plans I guess for tonight, think I will ring in the new year with a nice bubble bath and a good book.
  I cant say that I make new years resolutions....but i guess I kinda do.. Its the same most years, to try and have a better year than last.. I guess I also may want to change my over thinking ways, but I haev always been like that... I over think, I over worry, I make mountains our of mole hills.. True I am not as bad now that what I ues to be, maybe that is changing with the older I am getting...
  An other new years resoultion for me I guess would be to lose some weight... and get into better shape.. I wanna go on a diet here within the next week or so.. After the hoilday goodies are gone..
  Anyways Happy New years everyone... I wish you all the best in the new year.. ]]> 42730 2007-12-28 22:26:01 This is a poem I wrote about 7 years ago.. It kinda fits how I am feeling today.. and kinda goes with what I wrote earlier:
  As I sit and stare out into the night
  I cant help but feel no so right
  I feel lost and trapped inside myself
  All my emotions rounded up so tight
  I am scared of what to do
  I feel let down, yet unsure of why

  As I sit here and look at the stars
  I block out the world around me
  It is then I can start to see
  How my life is really to be

 That tomorrow is an other day
 a chance to start off new

Yet until that day comes
I will keep staring
Out into the dark cold night
With a hope to find myslef staring back

]]> 42643 2007-12-28 18:18:04 Not really sure what I want to say today..I had alot on my mind at the start of the day, but as I sit here looking at my computer screen, i realized that what i was thinking about may not be really important, that I need to stop worring and dwelling on things. I mean what is done is done, I must learn that I can not changes things, I can only change myslef, and if things dont go they way I want them too. Life goes on. Lol anyways I am not sure what really brought on my over thinking this morning.
  I just been thinking about alot I guess, sometimes thats not a good thing for me. Normally when I do start over thinking, I tend to make "mountains out of mole hills". then I start thining about scenarios that would never happen, but could happen.
 Mostly I just been thinking about what I really want in life, where do I want to be, who do i want to be..ect. I mean right now I am happy with my life, very happy, I got a job I enjoy, a great man that I love, a place of my own. I guess I just am scared that something may come along and change things.  Anyways I guess I got out all I needed to for now..

]]> 41690 2007-12-26 07:53:12 Well Christmas is done and over. I cant say I had a great day, but in the end everything was good. I guess it started christmas eve night, my mom had the big turkey dinner, since Christmas day my sister in law wanted to have a dinner at her place. Anyways my parents told me to invite my fiance. I did, but I knew that he also had to work until 5pm or so. TO make a long story short he never came.  Maybe I was kinda hurt by it, but in the end i was okay after thinking about it. Nor did he come over to my brother&sister in laws place for christmas. My father didnt think much about it, but i tried to tell him what my fiance told me, that he is not one for big family christmas get togethers, nor is he one for christmas to begin with.. whether or not my parents understood I am not sure.. I am not sure if i do or not.He just told me that I cant ask him to do that.. I know that any other time I ask him to come to my parents he would, but christmas he just wants to be left alone, and I can respect that.
  ANyways christmas was good all in all, i went up to my parents for christmas breakfast. Then every one ( my younger brother, parents and I) opened our gifts.. I got some nice stuff... My fiance even though he wasnt there got my parents a gift, but it was more so because they got him something.. Then we went over to my oldr brothers and sister in laws to watch my young niece slowly open her gifts.. then got things ready for dinner... then a few hours later i came home.. My mom wanted me to stay for supper, but I was 1. very tired, 2. still full from dinner. andd well 3. I wanted to be home and see if my fiance would come over.. He did, we talked, i opend my gift from him.. I got a digtal camera.. which i wanted. Then I kinda was shorta in and out of a sleepy state.. Then I went to bed and slept great for the first night in about a week
 

]]> 40424 2007-12-21 20:26:13    Sometimes I just wish I could go back to when I was yonger and things were alot easier... but then again when I think back to being a teenager... I still had alot of stuff to deal with.. Ie friends, school, just trying to get threw the teen years with out much damage lol. So i guess if i wanted to go back to a time in my life it would have to be when I was a kid... when my worst problem was whether or not I played inside or outside. But then I would have to grow up and go through life and everything that comes with it.
 I am not sure what I am trying to say in all my ramblings.. I guess I am saying that no matter where you are in life.. or who you are.. you are always gonna be faced with challenges and obstacles.. I guess it is how one deals with them and learns from them is what matters. I know in my life I have been through some serious stuff... and yes in a way I wish i could turn back the time and change it... but at the same time... it was an experience that I had to go through in life to learn something, and all my life experiences has made me who I am today
  I guess I think too much at times... thats my problem.. sorry if I didnt make much sense during my ramblings and thanks for readin
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