Ugh, I woke up this morning and I overheard my aunt saying, matsura ya ugali sabi ko kay joule. LIAR! what the hell do you mean by that? if you say na masama ugali ko, then I must either have SPOKEN to you or went near you. MATSUra ugali probably means na hindi ko siya kinakausap, which isn't much of a difference anyway since wlaang kumakausap sa kanay./ She's a depressive. She's a gossip. Her sons hate her and find her pathetic. Her husband never loved her and is stupid enough to leave nude pictures of  KAtrina Halili on my desktop. ugh, i overheard what she said to her sister, adn she was like crying, so I'm like, whatever. bITCH BItch BITCH BITHC. ugh, i hate it here, i hate it everywghere. sobrang liar talaga, kung ano ano pinagsasabi, ang hilig nila sa chismis ng family niya. she tells my mother whos in saudi, whos a bored housewife. my mother's religious, she's some martry. she's the last person my aunt should be tellling nangyayari, she pretends to faint. you have to be like, ma, get  up, you didn't faint. then she'd be all angry because you stopped her from being like mama mary, so mamumula siya then isusumbong ka nya kay daddy  daddy who looks like a red bull, with so much anger in him i could never understand how BITTER he is, he takes it out on me, it's a cycle. mama pretends to be hurt over no reason kasi she MELODRAMATIC> NO REASON! NONE! I"m PIPI for christ sake. ...my dad comes out from his lungga looking like an axe murderer, then my mother cries in his lap, sayng, what have i done to deserve such a daughter, then my father says, may araw din yan. he abuses me EVERY DAY, he's the most cunning person I have ever seen in my life, what's sad is that he's
s rather intelligent, i feel i know him ang gulo gulo niya, but he's really angry... really really angry about something.  i know that too. it's reather sad, ti makes me cry , daughters should admiret ehir fathers, not pity them. it hiought for the longest item he was a doctor. i didn't know whrer he woekrdfge., alam ko sa madilim and sa basement ng hospital, puno ata ng dead bodies. whatever. i alsways wanted to check out where he worked. anyway, that's it, my aunt would tell my mother about it, she LIES and says na matsura ugali ko, whatver, i'm a teenager, a very very young and impressionable teenager. everything that happens to me affects me, i feel i have no one i can relate to becasue they turn against me for some reasdon.  wala talaga, i can't even talk to jesuits. i want to have one as a friend and confessor. blablhablha. ayun, that phone call made me think of this. and then that...and all sort.s i was unable to sleep again. klaya pala my mother wants me study in UST. i get it. my sister is there. my motehr ahs access to my sister. who hates me and has been jeaslous of me since childhood becasue i read her stupid diary ...joan has evrything..pathetifc. my sister will make me feel like a loser on my firts day, etierh she will exaggerate to protect me and be like, sunduin kita after every class mo ha, o heto yung old batchmate mo..or shell leave me. i want nothing to do with them.  i want themt o stop manipulating me, bullying me, pretending to be caring, humiliating me, provoking me, they know i will always make a scene. all of them, my aunts (FEU, UP, UST graeduates, imagine how they must treat ateneans on LOA), my dirt-poor cousins, the very very social Eliazoans, and those cervinians who think i look down on province people, mentors and admin who purposely dismiss my behavior becasue they don't think i make the cut anyway, securty guards who are gossips. DONT THEY UNDERSTAND, THAT EVERYTHING ID O IS DEFENSIVE!  the times im obnoxious, its because they try SOOO hard to gwt to me. they all have issues, and finally ive been left alone with people who ahve hated me since childhood. kasi mayabang mom ko. kasi...siya rin naman ang nagprprovoke nito. she turns it around and around until i breakdown, when i do, she'll have an excuse to...act like a martyr. she's a depressive medtech, she gosips all day, and doesnt mind sharing sex scandals from work at he dinnertable. my father listens very very attentively to these and starts cursing or laughing or laughing really really loudly. i hate them all. i love them all too. they really nervous wen my brothers come home becasue im really really haoppy to them and when im with them i am oblivious to all of their bullying. they gang up on me, this is true. how can i overcome depression, my parents and my sister mismo try to provoke it? where will i get my strength? im so weak, i need help.. lord, i don't know wher to gewt my strength, i ahve no frineds, i cannot tell my motehr/father...you know why. my brothers are losing trust in me. my friends have betrayed me. and i am in love with one of your servants. i am being punished aren't I? It hurts, but I will fight becasue I love You and I want to be strong enough to serve You in any little way, but every single day, i am being brought down. EVry day, the circle gets wider and wider and I have no help from anyone. WHY would they do this to an innocent girl? waaah