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Ive never felt quite right about spilling my guts on the internet. Its not very personal.
I have however started to feel that it is necessary to write things down, and bring words to all the complicated emotions I am experiencing. I also want to open myself up, because I have been afraid of judgement and scrutiny all my life for no good reason. I have always been hiding in the shadows, only portraying a persona that was false and weak. This persona was supposed to be a shield, but it looks more like a burial shroud.
I choked myself to death on all the lies. I have spent nights feeling only fear that somehow I will be exposed as a fraud. Ordinary days. Getting up. Just like everyone else, but different. The sun is shining, but I don't see it. I feel the fear inside, eating away at me, just waiting for me to make a slip up. I could live in this dimension, where the sun doesn't shine, where the birds don't sing, and I feel nothing but pain and misery. Somehow though, I became aware of an alternative.
The blackness of the dismal became contrasted by the light and beauty of the devine.
I don't know what I found exactly. I don't think I will ever be able to say for sure. It penetrated everything that I am, yet it leaves me with nothing to grasp. Who I was. Everything that I ever held in esteem, vanished, as if it were nothing at all. After a time, the old ways would return. Ever since though, I have had the ability to be still and let it all float away. I have spent alot of time trying to understand it. I have found very little worth in that. Rather, I think I should live it. If I can be happy by these means beyond my own understanding, should I hesitate to utilize these means? Of course I fear a long term harm due to a lack of understanding. Putting faith in the unknown is a scary thing, but I figure that is what spiritual practitioners have done for countless generations.
The magnitude of what I am doing goes well beyond myself. I am realizing the dream of humanity. The questions that humanity has asked since the dawn of time. Yet, I have great difficulty seperating this quest from my own selfish need for salvation. I feel a desperate need to transcend my pain, and become free of myself. At the same time I am not a selfish person. I put the will of others well above my own, and this tends to lead me astray . I use others as an excuse not to achieve my own goals in life. Whether or not that it is my minds own projection or not is uncertain most of the time. Sometimes things are expected of me, and I deeply want to deny them, but at the same time I feel I would wrong the person who expects them If I were to infact deny the expectation. These are mental cobwebs that are very difficult to overcome.
So, I want to be happy. I think the world won't let me. Yet it isn't the world's decision. Dare I defy the world?
I think I want to live my life, but I think my parent's wont let me. It isn't my parents decision. Dare I defy my parents? Mental cobwebs, perhaps with no basis in an external reality. The experience is real.
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It has been said, the world is what you make it. It's not bad to be a giver, but find out what your passions are and make this world a better place. You are not a fake, just someone who is searching for answers. Your own salvation is the most important. Then when you give, you will be giving more than just what the person needs, you will be giving out of yourself...which is not selfish. I hope you make the world a better place today, just by being you:)
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Posted by purestar
on 2008-04-17 08:45:28
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