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| Continuing work on Being a Loving Person |
I found it very interesting when my Pakka died not one member of the family considered me
part of the family not even my sister in law. And while my Pakka was sickest the last
week I had no car..... yet my parents had two that sat in their garage unused and not once
did either of my sisters or brother or Mum even suggest maybe I should use one to be
able to go back and forth to spend time with my Pakka (Dad) and family. It was a struggle for me
to find transport. But I did everything I could and was able to then have time
with my family and Pakka. It is what it was.....
Most of my adult life cars have been used to control me. But that is another
two or three or four stories for other days maybe.
I am so used to being left out of everyone else's Life that I would not likely even know
when I was finally invited in. Altho that is not quite so ~ not now ~ I recognize THAT
ebbs and flows.... like the ocean I belong in.
When people say something that indicates that they dont want me around.... maybe I should have given up and never tried again.... but there is something quite strong inside me that
refuses to let me give up..... LOVE. LOVE has allowed me patience even in the most
dayumming and distressful of times in my Life.
I have noticed how so many people make some deeply erroneous assumptions about others
and then act as if their assumptions are true and the only possibilities with those people
they assumed things about were the possibilites that damage and refuse Love. Yet ~ in spite
of all assumptions ~ there stands LOVE... refusing to give up and refusing to go away.
Just standing there patiently waiting... for the ... some day...some way.
My family does not know me. And frankly they have never bothered to try to know me.
They have tossed me aside like disposable garbage. And with that attitude from each of them
I could have easily taken on the role of garbage. Instead and in spite of ~ I chose differently.
Heck I could have even taken on an atitude of no Love for them ~ but ~ nope...in actuality
I could never refuse LOVE to any one of them. And I will not.
What one person values another could care less about. What that other cares less about
another values.
I am going to talk about material things for a minute. Becuz in the World I was raised in
material things were everything ... except for me. Altho I was relegated to being an object
I was valued less than even many objects. A relationship between me and anyone else
in my child world was just not possible..... unless I was willing to realize my place as an
object for looks.... in other words.... look good to the outside world... or what some
may understand better... what will the neighbors think!!
Now I DO know how to take good care of objects. BUT I also know where there status is
when it comes to objects or people. People will always come first in my eyes. Which is
a very strange concept for most people that were in my child Life to understand. How could
I put people before material things or even money? In fact how dare I. And for that I would
be made to pay dearly the rest of my Life.
Now I will make a disclaimer here ... just becuz my Family does not understand me does
not mean they do not love me. They do. And I Love them. I just plain do not fit in. Have never
really been accepted completely for just who I am.
Does it break my Heart to NOT fit in? Oh my goddesses how it does over and over again.
Does it then change who I am and make me change my ways so I do fit in? No not yet...
not in all these 50 plus years.
I can not now change my core beliefs that people come before material things. That I was made to
be a Loving person .... and with that to then pursue passions that fire the core purpose of
being a loving person.
I want to say something about this core purpose: To be a loving person.
It can be a lonely lonely road to travel in a World that climbs on materialistic ladders.
In a World that values money and things above human beings. In this World it is lonely
for a person who values people above things.
~ sighs ~
In fact it is not only lonely ~
it is hurtful and more difficult than what most are willing to ever undertake. It is much easier
to go into battle with comrades than to have to go into battle one against many. Yet ~more often
than not..... the person must go into battle alone ~ and no one ~ no one at all ~ will likely
follow along. Do I think that is courageous or as one person told me long ago ~ gutsy ~
well I did not used to think so.... but as Life winds down... I say an emphatic ~ YES!! More courageous than many could even begin to understand.
Do I recommend pursuing a Life with a core of Being a loving person ~
yes and no. It may be just what you were made for. Then again ~ it may not
be what you were made for. If you were not made for Being a Loving person ~
then find out exactly what YOU were made for.... and LIVE that the best you can.
Some will say that if your core is to be a Loving person then why do you reject other's behaviors.
If someone does not respect my personal boundaries as few as they are ~
and they behave in a way that steps over my personal boundaries I am not
at all afraid to say: do not do such and such with me. My asserting my boundaries
does not make me any less loving.
I see behaviors as only connected to the person
in that they chose them. IF they can only see that my request for them to back
up from stepping over my boundaries is somehow NOT loving ~ that only gives me
further evidence that there is further to go with that person in teaching what LOVE
truly is. LOVE may accept that behaviors are not the best.... and Love may continue
to try to correct behaviors.... but LOVE is not going away if the other chooses not to
'play'. LOVE remains no matter what. LOVE will be right here ~ when ever anyone is ready ~
even if they rejected it once, twice, three times or more.
What does all this mean. Well first I think for me it means ~ I will continue to experience
rejections and will continue to be right here waiting to take those who rejected right back
in ~ anytime with LOVE.
Sometimes it does mean I sit alone with ever so much hurt and pain in the Heart
BUT
I just do not do well at all at being anyone else but who I Am.
(so we could call this One Love ~ but before I came here and even now... I have called it Gentler Ways of Living along with Universal Love which may well be a feed into a UniversalSeductress ... altho my title on here .... I myself believe ~ I am still working it out... and hurting all the way over to the other side along with LOVE)
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