I plannned a Girls Night Out with two of my girlfriends (okay, my only two) for tomorrow night.  I figured it would be a chance to hang out, not think about work & other stresses, and just have fun.  And of course, we won't be going with any guys, so maybe i can flirt a little.  Both my girlfriends are married.  But what's the point?  I can typically fake confidence pretty well, but both my friends are prettier than me.  And even if i find someone to flirt with, nothing's going to come from it.  We'll talk and laugh a little, and then i'll never see him again.  If i'm lucky, i'll get a phone # and maybe dinner or coffee.  The last guy i met while i was out for a fun night took me out twice, and then suddenly, i heard nothing from him.

The biggest problem?  My complete lack of confidence.  I really have no clue how to act in a relationship.  Being friends with guys is so much easier.  Hanging out over drinks or watching a game seems so much less complicated.  Then of course, i'm the friend who's always there to listen or fill in as a last-minute date, but that's it.  I get this from the guys: "You're pretty, Jess.  Some guy will be lucky to have you."  Or this, "Jess, you have a great body."  "You are such an awesome friend."  "Thanks for everything, Jess, you're the greatest.  Let me tell you about the girl i'm dating."  The guys think i'm so great, but i'm a great friend..and that's it.   Today, i saw this gorgeous guy while i was at work and unfortunatly, i didn't get to help him.  I was at work, so i have to maintain a certain amount of professionalism anyway.  And i would have been to scared to flirt with him anyway.  He was probably married..or at least dating someone.

The last one to seriously show interest in me was much older than me.  It had been so long since a guy had been interested in me for something besides sex.  Of course he wanted that too, but there was more.  (and i didn't have sex with him.)   He was married, and i knew i shouldn't have anything to do with him.  But he paid attention to me and made me feel special.  I didn't want more from him.  He even said one time, "You never ask me for anything.  Other girlfriends i've had want me to buy them cell phones and clothes, and you don't ask me for anyhing."  The truth is, it never occurred to me to ask him for anything.  I got a couple dinners out of him, but that was just a bonus.  Some people say that girls who go for older men have a "Daddy Complex" or they're looking for a father figure.  It's none of the above for me.  I just wanted to be myself and feel like i mattered.  Was i wrong for it?  Yes, i was.  Am i proud of it?  Not at all.  Maybe i'm only good at dysfuctional relationships.  So what does this make me?  A really messed up chick who loves God.  More later.

The Twisted One