First let me start by saying i rear-ended someone last night.  That sucked.  But it could have been worse.

Moving on...i went to church tonight for a special event and we had dinner.  After i ate, i went to the restroom.  And then i was thinking, hey i should throw up.  I have an eating disorder.  And even though i throw up on occassion, i'm not bulimic; i fall into the eating disorder not specified category because i don't binge eat.  Sometimes i just decide not to eat, so i convince myself i'm not hungry.  So i have good days and bad days, good weeks and bad weeks.  I'm not really going to get any better, i've tried.  And because of some stres, last week or the week before, i decided to start throwing up again.  Just a few times a week.  Today wasn't really planned though.  It really made my chest hurt, but i like the sense of control it gives me.  Even if i'm not throwing up, i typically obsessively count calories.  The only thing is i feel really guilty about doing it at church. At 23, i'm supposed to be an example to the younger girls.  I'm a screwed up example.  If i were a good Christian girl, i'd be very happy with myself just the way i am especially since "Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." (Proverbs 31:30 NIV)  But i've had body image issues since i was an overweight preteen.  I started throwing up so i could lose weight more quickly.  Now i just do it for a sense of control.  I wouldn't know what to do with myself if i didn't obsess over food and body image.  Depending on where i shop, i wear a size 0, 2, or 3.  And yet, i think i could definitely stand to lose a few pounds.  I must need to lose a little more weight b/c i have a time and a half getting a boyfriend.  Of course if i ever get involved in a serious relationship, i can't expect anyone to just be okay with the fact that i throw up sometimes and obsess over my body.  Though maybe he should just be happy that i want to stay at my current size or get smaller.

And know what else?  I don't judge other people based on appearance.  And i never call other people fat.  My problem lies within me.  At this point, i can't say i'm ready to give it up.  I'm so screwed.

The Twisted One