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| The beginning of my all-important
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Well, what can I say? I've admittedly tried and failed many times at maintaing a blog. Often I find I don't really want to waste time on them, or generally that I feel I can waste my time on better, and equally as unproductive things instead. Anyway, I kind of came across this site through my friend Caris, she has her own Blog on Thoughts and so I decided after a fair bit of back and forth of my thoughts, that I'd sign up and give it a shot. Also, my writing and thoughts will probably be all over the place and disjointed, so I'm sorry if I leave some confused.
Maybe blogging will help me feel like people are listening to me when they're really not, or maybe there's someone out there that actually cares about my problems and wants to listen...I don't really know. I suppose I feel Blogs are good mediums because unlike people they don't talk back to you. When you rely on people, often you can be disappointed because of their lack of maturity, the fact they're incredibly arrogant and self-centred, they just don't give a fuck etc. I guess if I talk at this Blog, at best it just doesn't talk back, and so I can say things without this overwhelming sense that I'm going to get some lame ass answer I've heard a thousand times before, and will probably hear a thousand more.
To be honest, I've never really had what people would call a "good life". My family isn't wealthy infact pretty much the opposite, and my Dad to put it in short terms, is a complete asshole. A drug user, an alcoholic, a wife and child beater, a liar, a cheater, a father, a son...He's all of these things. For 18 years, my father has made life a nightmare for my mother, and myself and my siblings. Truthfully, me and my Mum probably got most of the flak thrown our way being the 2 eldest, but my siblings got their fare share. My father is the root of my problems, and as much as I have stepped out of the dark cloud that he is and tried to move on with my life, there is certain things he has said and done that will have a permanant effect on me for the rest of my life.
The most major of these, which has effected me since I was a little boy, is my crippling self doubt and fear of failure. I was a young boy, and just in my first few years of school. Anyway, my report card came, it was fairly deccent, my teachers said I was trying hard...but to my Dad, to quote Will Ferrell, "If you're not first, you're last". He came down on me like a tonne of bricks, I remember crying quite alot being that I was young and my father was a scary s.o.b. Anyway, this left such a huge impression on me...After that, I stopped trying at school, and the catalyst was there. In every other aspect, I have let his words rule my life since that time. In education, employment, sport endeavours etc, He has always had that piece of me that I hope to reclaim one day very soon.
I'm now almost 20, and still so afraid of the world and where I'm going...and I'm still afraid like that little boy of being a failure, and believing that I'm not good enough. I dropped out of my Youth Work course at TAFE that I was doing and stopped going to work (for a short time) because the pressure got to much, and I buckled under the strain. I haven't seen my father in over a year in person, and I haven't talked to him in probably 4-6 months, and the last time I did it made me so angry I was visibly shaking. He is a miserable, and sadistic man...and I don't understand why. I know from 2nd hand stories and such that he had a tough childhood, and when he was 3 or so his parents gave him up for adoption. But I've always never really understood why people go down that path? Is it as corny as to say that he simply could not rise above his own parents short-comings and be a real man, and chose to henceforth inflict his pain on his own family?
You fast-forward through all the years, through my father cheating on my mother, to the beatings she copped, to when myself and my father had a fist fight, through countless screaming matches and verbal beratings, through the tears, and fear and pain...and my family is broken into pieces, as lame as it may sound to say, like broken glass. I have been a diagnosed sufferer of Bi-Polar now for the past 3 years, Mum suffers from depression and has been diagnosed with A.D.D., my Sister has a social anxiety disorder and is doing distance education because she's too afraid to go to school, and my two brothers, one has autism and a mild intellectual disability, and the other is a teenage boy trying to find his way through the lower rungs of adolescene whilst living with the memories of our dysfunctional home. I feel for him, because I was one that scared teenager to, and I hope I can stop him and help him from making some of the mistakes that I did.
My father has alot to answer for, but I hope that I never get those answers. Because I'm okay with never speaking to him again or seeing him again, as much as it depresses me to think that on my wedding day, I can't invite my father, or when my children ask about their grandfather, what do I tell them? That he was an asshole? It kind of hurts abit I suppose. The last time we left him in 2004 until he bribed/blackmailed my Mum into coming back in 2005, I was the first to reach out to him. I always have held onto the naive boyish hope that someday my father would turn around, pat me on the back and say "Good job son", or "well done". I still wanted to impress him despite the fact I knew deep down he didn't care about anybody except for himself. He seemed to have this belief that if he payed the bills, and put food on the table, and a roof over our heads, that was enough. But in reality as my mother has said before, We would of rathered 5 minutes of his time than $5 out of his wallet. But he wasn't willing to give us that time...
In short, my father has been the chains that have binded me for most of my life. And someday, I hope I can break them. If not that, then the 1 thing I do know is that I'm always going to strive to be a better man than my father, with my morals, dignity and respect intact. He is a horrible man, and I hope that one day kharma pays him a visit...because he deserves to be the way he is now, alone, without knowledge of where his family is and depressed in the fact that his entire flesh and blood hate him, now and forever.
Thank you to anyone who reads this journal, and if you are going through, or have been through anything similar to my situation, or even a completely different one, know that I hold you in my thoughts throughout the day, whoever you may be, because I know what it's like.
- Tuxedo Mask
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Posted by Tuxedomask on 2008-04-28 13:38:12 | Rating: | Views: 57
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hey <333 fancy seein u on here!! XD.. hearing it written out like this, and knowing sometime in the last 24 hrs all that emotion came out of you is good, your thinkin "is that meant to make me feel better?" yes! it is, because the more you spill onto paper, or the internet.. The less your bottling up inside, and i know you brude!!!!
And you won't make the same mistakes Blade, you are such a beautiful person and you would never hurt anyone, let alone family. You know, i used to be against having children, i was scared thinkin maybe i would be like my parents... But you can only live and learn, don't let him, and memories thereof run your life, you have so much ahead!
Caris XXX
P.S- is what some of the alphabet would look like if we took out Q and R...
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Posted by paraZia
on 2008-04-29 08:22:07
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