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Gahh!

I know I’m being silly and over exaggerating. It’s always that way with me.. like I said in my previous post about little thoughts. The little things do matter and since they matter so much (In both good and bad ways) I feel like my life is miserable and falling apart right now. My sister was dating this guy Ben for nearly a year and a half. He’s like my brother.. he was always here and I used to get so mad at him for silly little things that brother and sister’s fight about. Well at the beginning of the week he left for Air Force training. Since they broke up a few months before he was to leave I didn’t get to see him as much. The day before he left he was supposed to stop by and spend his last night with us. I went to bed thinking he wasn’t coming. It was late. He did show up but didn’t stay all night like he was supposed to. No one woke me. I never got to say good bye. I had to work that day he was leaving as well. I should have requested it off… That morning before I had to run to work I sent him an Instant message. “Byee Ben” I didn’t even say anything about how I’ll miss my brother or anything. I was going to be late if I didn’t leave right then. I was so upset. And I am still mad at myself. After getting home from work that day my mom tells me there is a note from him. He thanked my parents for everything and said he’d miss them. The then added “And you too, Candy” It made me smile. Although my goodbye to him was a lame instant message and I didn’t get to see him or hug him. He still thought of me and that made the rest of my day. We posted the note of the fridge and every time I get something out of it I see it and smile. Personally, I think him and my sister are soul mates. When he gets back, I think they will get back together. But if not, he will always be my brother and I can’t wait to see him again. I guess welcome hugs are better than goodbyes.
….and I’ll give him a present. I think a whoopee cushion. Haha, you wouldn’t believe how many I have bought for him over the last months. :P

The other thing making me miserable is that Kurt is leaving. I can’t deal. Don’t take me wrong, I am sooo happy for him. He has earned it. It just breaks my heart to see him go. He is my favorite person in the world. One night I was at work and I was service desking. Kurt was not there. I just kept thinking about what it would be like when he was gone for good. All the little things he did while I ring. Helping me clean up, answering my questions, listening to me, and his personal favorite – teasing me. That night I ended up having to walk away from the desk. I couldn’t face the customers. I couldn’t keep the smile. I could barely keep the tears away. The worst part was.. my co-workers knew something was wrong. I’m always the happy one. Always the one with the smile and cheery good mood. I couldn’t tell anyone what was wrong. Telling them I was that upset about Kurt leaving? *sigh* So..I went to go clean something while someone else came up to ring. Another store manger that I like asked if I was ok. I nodded and he said I looked better. Weakly, I smiled. (he was worried it was my medical thing acting up- don’t want to talk about that today, maybe another) Anyway, later that night when I finally got home I cried for nearly an hour. I mean, I am Kurt’s little assistant. He counts on me. I take the hangers he is frustrated with, stuff the pillows back into bags when he doesn’t want to, I just do what he needs. I know I said I’d cherish the time with him. I intend to. It’s just awful to think of him going. I never work with him anymore either. We are like.. always opposite. Sad, isn’t it? I don’t know if I’ll be able to stay there without him. I made a joke that I was going to follow him to the new store. *sigh* I probably sound foolish to you. Words just can’t explain this. I just finish and make it short.. I dread each day because it brings it one day closer.

There is other stuff I want to write about too that I just can’t, but anyway, as always, writing has made me feel a little be better. Thanks for reading.