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She says she's always been there for me, unlike my father. Yes he left, he left mom. He picked up and moved out, but he didn't disappear. Maybe for a year or two while my mom wouldn't allow contact. She doesn't understand that it didn't hurt me as much as she thought it did. Frankly I tend to block harsh memories so I don't recall exactly how hurt I was. I was in 5th grade, and never talked to anyone about it, maybe I was too young to be able to talk about my feelings. Only one other of my friends had divorced parents, and she was "cool." I always looked at it like my parents started the trend. After mine divorced, everybody's started getting divorced. It was certainly sad, but completely normal to me. Fathers leave sometimes, I came to understand that. I know its not right and I would never expect to divorce whoever I will marry, but it happens. Who knows how many thousands of people get divorced? One thing I know is, thousands of couples have it worse than we do. Some fathers just pick up and go altogether. Some men beat their wives and kids, sometimes drugs are involved, adultery or disloyalty can be the problem. My dad did none of these things, he simply wasn't happy and wanted out. For my parents, divorce settlements, custody battles, child support, etc were pretty easily worked out. Of course my mom tried to milk my dad for every penny because he had the hot job and she was essentially unemployed, 16 credits shy of a college degree 15 years stale. Mom gets kids and house no question, I think the biggest battle was over child support payment, again, my mom wanted every penny.
So my mom went back to school the four years following for a science degree. She worked at an internship all day and took night classes a couple of nights per week. Evenings when she was home, she wasn't exactly pleasant. She was stressed and overworked. Family dinners were out of the question, she was too busy. She wasn't there for me then. She graduated with a 4.0, awesome I know. She is proud of it and believes I should appreciate the sacrifices she made to give us a good life. She doesn't realized that she sacrificed a relationship with her three kids. She wasn't there for me when my older brother tortured me and made my life hell for years. She never disciplined any of us, no matter what. I once resigned myself to the fact that I would never love my brother. We would be one of those families that doesn't stay in contact and doesn't gather for holidays. Nowadays, I love my brother, I think he is one of the coolest people I know. I didn't get along with either of my siblings, so my pets were a large part of my "family" life. I connected with them because they could never hurt me. I loved them very much. One day my dog was gone, just gone, no goodbye, nothing. My mom had given him away because she was tired of him peeing in the house. She gave away our pure bred terrier, my dog. I told her I would never love her again until I got my dog back. Every single time we fought she threatened to set my birds free. That killed me, I can't begin to explain how much that hurt me. Yeah, ok, they are just pets, just animals, but I think people would agree that to a child they are more. When my mom got a secure job she would travel overseas for weeks on end a couple of times a year. I was in high school then so its not like I couldn't take care of myself. I just really don't think that was a responsible thing for a mother to do. I don't remember the last time I told my mom I loved her.
Some time after the divorce my dad moved in with some work friends who lived on a lake. He spent more time with me than with my siblings I think. I have lots of great memories spending time with him at his house or at the cabin, wherever. Over the 5 or so years after the divorce I would say he had 4 or 5 girlfriends. He introduced me to all of them, he wanted me to meet them. I liked them all, each one was friendly, smart, and more importantly fun. My mom was never fun. I really appreciate that he wanted me to meet his girlfriends, it lets me know he cares about my opinion. He has been with the same girlfriend for 2 or 3 years now. She is more genuine than any other. I really really like her. She has a five-year old daughter with cerebral palsey. I have really seen a change in my dad since they have started dating. He seems happier, calmer. Frankly I am a little surprised at how well he cares for the 5-year old girl. Its comforting, and I'm sure he knows that she needs a father figure, and thats nothing to fool around with. He must be serious about her. I remember the the last time I told my dad I loved him. It scared me. It was on the phone, I forget the conversation. At the end he said I love you (as always) and I quickly said I love you too, bye. It completely took me by surprise. I remember after hanging up I sat there for a minute, jaw dropped, it felt really good to say it! I haven't said it since.
As far as I know my mom has never dated anyone since the divorce. She still openly resents my father. The few times she has interacted with his girlfriend I have never seen anybody act as fake as my mother does. Its been ten years. The divorce was not bad, yes he broke her heart. Is it unfair for me to think she should be over it by now? Once when we were fighting I said to her that the only reason she doesn't want his girlfriend around is because she hasn't had a boyfriend. She said to me "what makes you think I would even tell you if I had a boyfriend." I still am positive that she has never had a boyfriend. My sister is a little closer with her and she agrees. Frankly, for all of the reasons I don't like my mother, why would anyone want to date her? Yes she is smart and she has a pretty face. But she is a workaholic, overweight, and wears the most disgusting pajamas immediately when she gets home from work, all weekend, and on days off. I have to call ahead if I am coming over with a friend so she will change into clothes and hide the cheez-it boxes that she stashes next to the couch where she watches television from the minute she gets home from work until she falls asleep. Recently I taught her how to recycle, I give her one week before her laziness kicks back in. She has one friend outside of work, one. She used to have more, she used to be good friends with the neighbors and some of my friends' and my siblings' friends' parents. She just got lazy and never called them back. Ok now I am just getting mean. Back to the bones.
My mom tells me she loves me all the time, she wants me to hug her. I don't want to hug her. Yes I love her, she says she knows I love her, I just dislike her more than I love her. I don't agree with her lifestyle. She doesn't have enough money to fix the bathroom in the house but she has been on more vacations in the past five years than everybody in my family combined. I have learned about accepting people for who they are, flaws and all, and I've done that with others, like dad. I just can't seem to do that with her. She says she's always been there for me and that she was a great mother to me, but I can't see it.
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Posted by TryMe on 2008-06-19 13:35:46 | Rating: | Views: 62
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Mom is the hardest job in the world.
My bet is you will come to realise a few things as you mature. I had a real shock to realise when my first was born that I would be responsible for another human being for the rest of my young life. Not be carefree another day without arranging for someone to provide care. Talk about a mind altering experience! And to do it alone? Your Mom is a hero.
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Posted by circe
on 2008-06-19 17:34:32
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