im so tired .. of living
tired of breathing tortured breath after tortured breath
its not easy lol being fat .. and ugly ..
and stuck
and in love with someone that everyone else loves too
if i could just stop crying ... it might be better ..
who the fuck am i kidding....
its not been better or good in 41 loooong years
why would it start now
i thought i was passed it
i though i had reached a point to where i was at least USED to the pain and that ending it wasnt gonna cross my mind any more
oh but tonight
its screaming at me
reminding me how UNPAINFUL its gonna be once its all over
how sweet it would be to just close my eyes .. KNOWING i wont wake back up to the bullshit that is my life
its so tempting
holy FUCK i want to so bad
and oart of what makes living so fucking hard
is feelig like shit or NOT BEING ABLE TO DEAL WITH LIFE
millions .. billions of people do it every day
there are people with MUCH WORSE problems than mine
why the FUCK cant i handle my petty little shit
what the fuck is wrong with me?
why am i so hard to just ... love?
im sick of people shoving it down my throat that NO ONE CAN LOVE YOU TIL YOU LOVE YOUR SELF
FUCK YOU
you heard me
FUCK YOU
how can i love someone that NO ONE ELSE DOES?
i really... dont wanna die alone
i dont wanna die without knowing what it feels like to have someone touch my face and look at me with so much love in their eyes that it HURTS
i dont wanna die not knowing what it feels like to be made love to
i dont wanna die alone
but i dont wanna live alone either
if i gotta die alone i would rather do it now
and not after ANOTHER fucking 41 years of this shit
it was two years ago today
that pawpaw died
i want a love like he and Nanny had
i used to make him tell me over and over the story about the day they met
i can hear him .. so plain ...
"Back in those days ., Russellville was aot smaller, and Main Street was dirt. Me and a friend were walking on the North side of the street .. and i saw two girls .. walking in the other direction down the South Side of the street. I stopped my friend .. and told him to wait on me there .
I crossed the street actually having to dodge a horse and rider.
and she stopped. I had no idea what I was going to say. Then she smiled. And my mouth just opened.
I said
My name is Joe Clyde Manley ...
and Im going to marry you some day.
he would never tell me what Nanny said lol and neither would she.. i figure she must have laffed at him and BOTH of them were embarrassed to admi it haha
i want that
i just want to know what it feels like
ive tried all the usual
praying
changing
"going for a different type"
nothing
i have told myself time and time again that i give up and then stupid FUCKING ME i try again
im just so fucking tired of hurting
and none of those things
nothing
makes it stop
think about it
to just close your eyes .. peacefully easily finally
forever
what a perfect solution!!
too bad im such a piece of shit
and dont have the NADS to do the only thing i know is right
its not just ME i wuld be saving either
my poor dad ... how he's wasted his life away because of me
my kids
bless thier hearts ..
better off without me to be ashamed of
my mother
she never wanted me any way
one less thing for her to worry about
no god
there cant be
i beg for death every night as i lay my fat ugly ass down
and never does he just give it to me
he could at least give me the strength to do it myself
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