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I think I've reached a new level of depression, that is why I starts to write this blog...
First I must apologize if I write with spelling or grammer mistakes, but hell with it, I'm Israeli and english isn't my main language.
Anyway, I think I don't really care anymore to live, to die, it's all the same, I used to be scared of death, accutally if you had asked me if i'm scared to die a week ago, I guess I would have told you that i'm shaking from the thought of it. But I don't feel this way anymore, don't take it as I'm about to kill myself anytime soon, or that i'm fade up with life. It's just that things aren't going as I thought they will, I'm not the man I wanted to be... I feel just like an empty shell, the way Haruki Murakmi describes it in Kafka On The Shore.
So who I am? I'm 21 years old soldier in the israeli defense force, in a few monthes i'm getting released from the army.
When I look at myself, I think that i'm looking ok, too skinny, average height.
As a person in the everyday life, I'm shy, closed up within myself, intelligent, well not smart, but defintly not stupid.
I think I never had a real friend in my life, and I can only blame myself for it. I don't know why I never managed to keep anyone close to me. the only real friend I have now is my girlfriend, we're toughther for the last 3 years, she is the only one that stays close to me for such a long period. she is my first seriuos girlfriend and the only one I ever had. I know she knows my best, still I want to keep this blog away from her.
Even with her I'm so problamatic. I mean I love her and all, it's great having sex with her and share intimite stuff. But yet I don't feel complete.
It could have been so much better if we would have hooked up in a few years from now. what I feel right now, that all our future is built up toughther by her planes, but I don't feel right with it, because she is the only one I know and been with. I don't want to feel like I missed something else in my life, or without beeing with other girls beside her. what if I'm with her just because she is the first serious. I'm so lost with this stuff. and on the other hand, I'm afraid to lose her, afraid to be alone, cause without her it's truly alone. but yet I don't feel complete, I feel so sorry about it. I hate myself for that. she is the only person I really opened up to. and yet I lie to her about stupid stuff and hide stuff from her.
with my family it's not really relationship, things devolped weird, they love me and all, we get along fine.
but yet, I look at them and I don't really love them, I don't feel connected. I could go through many years of not talking to them and I will be just fine. it's funny, when I'm coming home from the army, I enter home, kiss my parents for hello, give my mom the laundry, enter my room and stay in it for the whole weekend, and before I go back to the army I kiss them goodbye and leave, that's the same routine for the last few years. and again I'm the only one to blame. I'm closed up in me even with my own family.
Why I'm so depressed latly? I think it's everything summed up, I'm sick of the army, I want to get released allready. sick of the choices I've made in the army and in my life. sick of the person I am. sick of not being able to change myself. I always tell myself that I can change, but it's just lying to myself.
I'm kind of stupid. I feel like destroy my health, I'm hiding the fact that I'm smoking like crazy in the army- from my non-army people. I wish I could put my hands on some weed, and fuck my mind a bit. it has been a very long time since I did drugs. I want to get drunk, I want to get so wasted and do shit. I want to have this silence in my head, even if it's fake one. I want to have a break from my life. I'm feeling like I'm a Marlyin Manson's song, sounds pretty dumb, but hell with that.
"We sing the death song kids, because we've got no future"
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Posted by ToruWatanabe on 2008-02-16 09:35:46 | Rating: | Views: 108
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Don't destroy your health, you need it. Look this sounds very deep and sad. Have you ever try seeing a doctor or tlak to a professional about this. Because maybe your problem isn't you it's someone/thing else. Think about it.
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Posted by rebeccasvocie
on 2008-02-17 18:35:38
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I really don't want to go to a doc. and sorry but I don't think it's someone else, I do belive i'm responsible for myself, it's the way I growned up and stayed.
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Posted by ToruWatanabe
on 2008-02-21 10:07:47
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