Well it's been 10 days now I've been taking risperdal for manic depression.

At 1st I turned the corner so quickly I thought it couldn't be the drug. I don't eat anything that's good for me so I normally take multiple multi-vitamin, multi mineral supplements all winter. This year I didn't really start taking them until I got this persistent hooping cough about 3 weeks ago.

Seemed to me more likely that a vitamin deficiency triggered the severe episodes I've been having for the past few months and that the supplements were most likely the cause of what seemed a miraculous recovery since that would have meant they'd had about 2 weeks to work rather then the 24 hours that the risperdal had when the recovery seemed to happen.

And truly, truly miraculous it was. For the first time in, oh I don't know, maybe 10 or 15 years, I was, or seemed to be, what I can only describe as normal, or how I thought normal people would be as far as mentally, emotionally, etc. Not normal for me, that's a whole other beast, but really how I think "normal" others are.

For the 1st 4 or 5 days not once did I have any bizarre emotional swings, crazy, spontaneous, insane thoughts. Not once did I curse I myself or just burst out with "if I had a gun I'd blow my effing head off" or "I can't do this anymore". Not once did I have to fight any sudden spontaneous and potentially harmful impulses to harm myself, cut myself, burn myself, punch myself, drive into a concrete abuttment or any other bizarre crap. More amazingly I was happy, I was smiling, I even liked myself which is a whole new realm of experience for me. Look out world, I know you're not ready for a completely normal me! but don't sweat it yet 'cause I'm only getting close, not all the way there yet.

I told myself there's no way the risperdal could be responsible. After all this started within 24 hrs of 1st taking it. I was convinced it had to be the vitamins, seemed logical to me.

Well I saw the doc again yesterday (Saturday) morn and he says absolutely not the vitamins. Had to be the meds. Not sure he would have convinced me but some other's whom I know to be very medically knowledgeable have been saying the same all along.

Amazing! This is truly a miracle drug!

It hasn't been a complete cure nor has it been completely without some problems.

on wednesday I mistakenly triple dosed and couldn't keep my eyes open in work. That was really bad since I had 2 people I was supposed to interview. Luckily only one showed up but even that was brutal.

And Wed night, after work, I got tag teamed by my family then got some really, really devastating news and went back into a deep, not severe but deep, depression.

But by Friday I was improving again. By Saturday night I was back to normal, again not normal for me but really normal.

Now today I got paged at 3:30 AM. By the time I'd resolved the problem it was after 5, I'd drunk a 1/2 pot of coffee and I knew it wasn't gonna be good. I was twitching, shaking, couldn't sit still and my mind and emotions were off to the races. (Not the coffee's fault, I don;t normally move until I'm done a full 12 cup pot)

Historically Sundays are always a depressed day for me. All the guilt over not being worth My Lord's sacrifice comes out during mass and it's usually downhill from there.

Today was no exception, if anything it was worse.

I spent a good part of the day doing yard work and avoiding people but when that ran out I found I couldn't handle all the aholes at home so I took a buzz on the bike. Bought a six pack and went over a friend's house to see if they'd like to drink some beers but after pulling up out front I found I couldn't bring my mental and emotional state to them so I buzzed off home again and here I am, hiding in my computer room, typing this missive.

Anyway I still think the bottom line is the risperdal had been miraculously helpful. I've become addicted to being normal, really normal, not normal for me.

To date I always swore I'd not take any medication for life, I would not become chemically dependant (despite or because of my drug abuses and experimentations many years ago).

but at present if being normal requires a regular regimen of medication for the rest of my life then I'm strongly inclined to do so.

no one who has not been there can ever appreciate the wonder of being normal, of actually liking yourself, of being comfortable with who you are, of smiling and being able hold normal conversations. Of not being forever on guard lest the insane beast that hides inside should escape and wreck havoc with relationships and everything else in your life.

Right now that's not there but it was yesterday and, by the grace of God and risperdal, i hope it will be tomorrow.