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Phase 2 in my battle against BP?

This is the latest update in the saga of my battle against BP.

If you've been following along then you know I've recently had a fairly bad period of depression, real and total depression, not the combo manic-depressive state that is common to my manifestation of this beast. Well I'm happy to report I've gotten past that and I've been back to normal for around 5 days now. As always, i qualify that by saying mostly normal as others are normal, not as I am normal. As always I need to say normal for me is barely sane, that's not the normal I mean.

I had very a upsetting day today and I can feel that I could slip so easily back into depression but I'm not allowing it. I'm fighting it tooth and nail.

I saw the doctor again tonight. I reported that my manic periods have virtually disappeared and the normally manic depressive periods i usually experience have mutated to simple, outright depression (if anything about depression can be said to be simple).

In response he has added lexapro to the risperdal I've been taking. He said he chose lexapro 'cause it has minimum side effects and when we tried zyprexa and cymbalta before they did not work at all. Therefor he chose a different "class" of medicine. I really have to do some research to find out what to expect from the lexapro and eactly what the differences between it and cymbalta / zyprexa are. To start with I'm to take a minimum dose 1x/day. He warned that there is an outside chance that it could make me worse, make me suicidal in about 1 to 2 weeks, and to be aware of that and stop it immediately and contact him if it does. (He doesn't realize - I'm already suicidal!)

I'm not happy about the additional med - I still think life changes are my answer. If I can only bring them to bear then I can get off all this effing medication. I am not one to take pills for the rest of my life in an effort to enable me to control my mind and my emotions. If you've followed along then you know that to me it's all about control, always has been, and I've become expert at that control. So why cannot I control this? I will, i vow it, someday I will or they'll simply bury me.

My bad eye episodes - he's sending me to a regular eye doctor then pending his evaluation I may have to have a nuerological exam done. More to come on that as it plays out. I'm just glad it's not a med side effect or - as a very important friend of mine feared - signs of a stroke or near stroke.

that's enough for now. I've had a rough day, I'm drinking dinner tonight so let me get back to finishing my meal.

Posted by Tony51203 on 2008-07-17 20:02:50 | Rating:

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		(He doesn't realize - I'm already suicidal!) you are!!!!!????????!!!!!!!!!!!! did you tell him? he needs to know how you feel! he needs to realize you already feel that way! you need to tell him today, or maybe tomorrow if its too late, but 1 or 2 weeks from now may really be too late! how can someone dismiss you with news like that???? oh by the way you just might want to kill yourself in say, one to 2 weeks...! geeze if is the case you can not be alone! someone should be with you, watching you because if that happens are you going to be able to call him! hey doc Im ready to kill myself now what should I do? this is unbelievable really Tony, I hope you jest you know you need to eat your dinner not take pills on an empty tummy and with alcohol...you joker you! hey bud I do not want anything to happen to you please be careful I will say a prayer or two or three for you! post again tomorrow morning
Posted by roe on 2008-07-18 01:15:39


		I don't know you but I feel you. I just had my second child and I am only 19. My husband (well really only my boyfriend but father of both children) is always checking out other women and watching porn. But going out of his way to watch it. Mind you I am always having sex with him at least once a day. I'm only 19 and I have no family or friends, like seriously I only have him and my one year old son, and one month old daughter. So I so know what your going through when it comes to depression. I have no insurance so I can't see a doctor. I try to focus on the future, by imagining my life how I WISH it to be 10 years from now. Honestly it really really helps. I imagine myself a successful woman, living in a decent size house, dressed in a suit, taking my children to a private school, and driving a huge building where I work and make a six figure income. Now imagining this is what keeps my mind off killing myself. A few nights ago I drank a lot and took about 15 vicaden (dont know how to spell) and tried to kill myself before I passed out and woke up throwing up. I have no job and no money, I just found out my boyfriend doesnt want me, so I figured my kids would be better off without me so I tried to die. But my body just rejected the pills and made me throw up. So I started to think about my future and seeing myself happy made me not kill myself. Just try to imagine how you would want your life. It will keep you alive for at least another day. And if you do it everyday thats another day your alive. I'm drinking right now trying not to think about death. But it's hard and reading your post just made it even harder, but I see where your coming from, so maybe writing to you may keep me alive another day. THANKS, I will keep checking your blog out. Hope you get better, as I hope I get better. Were on the same page here, or so I think(?!) Life is hard, but if you can beat the depression, then you can do anything.
Posted by analyst04 on 2008-07-18 04:00:20


		Roe - Calm down. I'm not actively seeking to do myself in. I merely meant that once you've entertained that option it never completely leaves you, it's always there as a possibility. Analyst - I'm sorry for you. You should never have to fight a beast like depression alone, with no medical help, no friends, no one to turn to. Know that I will listen anytime you need to talk. I wish I could help you in some way, but all I can really say to you without knowing more is to see a doctor. Remember your kids, they're young and they need you regardless of what you may feel inside. They need you to be there for them and that need will continue for many years. Please, when you're feeling really bad, if you have no one else then please come here and talk to me. When i get a chance I'll check your blogs. We should stay in contact, maybe we can help each other.
Posted by Tony51203 on 2008-07-18 05:02:20


		Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible? Sorry, this quote just popped into my head. Probably not helpful, but if you get to know me...sometimes I just say what I am thinking at the moment.
Posted by slowtolearn on 2008-07-18 08:06:06


		Actually I think I'm being good. Even the doc praised me for following directions. But I have trouble accepting it's forever. I may be and if it is then it is. I can still hope, can't I? Is that being difficult or impossible? I though hope was a good thing.
Posted by Tony51203 on 2008-07-18 08:10:03