This is the latest update in the saga of my battle against BP.
If you've been following along then you know I've recently had a fairly bad period of depression, real and total depression, not the combo manic-depressive state that is common to my manifestation of this beast. Well I'm happy to report I've gotten past that and I've been back to normal for around 5 days now. As always, i qualify that by saying mostly normal as others are normal, not as I am normal. As always I need to say normal for me is barely sane, that's not the normal I mean.
I had very a upsetting day today and I can feel that I could slip so easily back into depression but I'm not allowing it. I'm fighting it tooth and nail.
I saw the doctor again tonight. I reported that my manic periods have virtually disappeared and the normally manic depressive periods i usually experience have mutated to simple, outright depression (if anything about depression can be said to be simple).
In response he has added lexapro to the risperdal I've been taking. He said he chose lexapro 'cause it has minimum side effects and when we tried zyprexa and cymbalta before they did not work at all. Therefor he chose a different "class" of medicine. I really have to do some research to find out what to expect from the lexapro and eactly what the differences between it and cymbalta / zyprexa are. To start with I'm to take a minimum dose 1x/day. He warned that there is an outside chance that it could make me worse, make me suicidal in about 1 to 2 weeks, and to be aware of that and stop it immediately and contact him if it does. (He doesn't realize - I'm already suicidal!)
I'm not happy about the additional med - I still think life changes are my answer. If I can only bring them to bear then I can get off all this effing medication. I am not one to take pills for the rest of my life in an effort to enable me to control my mind and my emotions. If you've followed along then you know that to me it's all about control, always has been, and I've become expert at that control. So why cannot I control this? I will, i vow it, someday I will or they'll simply bury me.
My bad eye episodes - he's sending me to a regular eye doctor then pending his evaluation I may have to have a nuerological exam done. More to come on that as it plays out. I'm just glad it's not a med side effect or - as a very important friend of mine feared - signs of a stroke or near stroke.
that's enough for now. I've had a rough day, I'm drinking dinner tonight so let me get back to finishing my meal.
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