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Ok, I had my good day yesterday, and a very good one it was. Now I've passed the peak and I'm getting irritable and bordering on panic attacks. I'm itchy, nervous twitches abound in my hands and feet, I feel like I can't sit still but I can't focus enough to accomplish anything. I'm having a hard time concentrating enough to even write this.
Seems like I'm over the peak and a valley is right ahead. I hate when the swing goes this way. Within a day or 2 I'll be down again, fighting tears, no energy, hiding away from the world. Life will once again pass by my windows and I'll take no part in it.
I can see it coming, hell I can feel it coming. I really hate this direction. It's more then the blues, even worse then being down in the dump. The darkness is returning and I know it. I can't stop it, I've got to accept it and deal with it.
Most of all i hate being life's spectator, always watching life but never being a part of it.
I guess I'm lucky it's coming during the week when work will keep me busy. Being busy always helps keep the darkest thoughts in check. Better I have to be busy the being at home, free to hide out from the world, free to do nothing and go stir crazy, free to bounce off the walls, bang my head, cry, and go insane. Being in work forces me to keep busy, to interact with others, to stay somewhat stable.
Don't get me wrong, it's not easy. When every thought, every mood cries out for tears, calls to me to go hide and avoid the world, when my entire being longs to curl up in a ball, bang my head and sob it's not easy to force yourself to stay busy and to actually deal with others. But my job requires it and that requirement lends me the strength to do it (usually at least). Sometimes it's so hard that I don't know how I manage.
I have at least one friend i can talk with via email while I'm in work and that always brings some light into the ever pressing darkness. Thank God for her or I'd never be able to make through days like i know are coming.
If i stay on this cycle then that most likely means my weekends will be high points. Ha, I know better. The down swings always last longer, go further, are more extreme then the ups. I never get enough of the ups, I hit a peak then bang it's gone. Truth is I'll be lucky if I'm starting out of the black by the time next weekend arrives.
I wrote a post recently where I claimed to believe that God never gives us more then we can handle with His help. I'd like to ask Him to give me peace but I know that's not in the cards so instead I pray God, please give me the strength to make it throught this once again.
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Posted by Tony51203 on 2008-10-12 13:38:31 | Rating: | Views: 36
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Of course you have the strength to make it.
And you have your faith.
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Posted by foreva_and_a_day
on 2008-10-12 15:56:08
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I will pray with you....I too hope you make it through this down cycle. As I always say, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger...this is something I truly believe.
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Posted by slowtolearn
on 2008-10-12 20:22:41
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I am learning so much from you about bi polar and the strength that you possess. When you felt almost giddy the other day, I saw a red flag, but I knew you needed to enjoy the good times and I also knew you knew what was happening...this reminds me so much of that movie charlie, have you seen it, it stars mongomery cliff, that movie left a lasting impression with me, I dont know why exactly, I was so moved and I saw it so long ago, I wonder if you could rent it...I digress.
hang in there, keep praying, and you will make it to the other side...please, just stay around people if you are able to feel better not being alone.
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Posted by roe
on 2008-10-15 02:04:19
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Thank you. At least my posts are helping you out. No, I don't believe I've seen the movie. If I remember I'll look for it to rent it.
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Posted by Tony51203
on 2008-10-15 05:12:15
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