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| Nov 1, 2009 |
Unlike the Philles I'm getting better today then yesterday.
Yesterday I spent virtually the entire day in bed. My wife was quite upset with me cause she wanted to go out and all I did was lay in bed.. If she didn't understand already then how could I possibly explain to her that that was all I was capable of? I expected her to understand, of all people she's the one I thought I would.
She says my depressions are making her depressed and she has to get out and away from them. I understand that. Depression sucks and I wish it on no one, not even my worst enemy. If she has to go out without me then so be it. I'm mentally and emotionally alone anyway, may as well make it physically alone also.
But that sucks. When I most need someone to help me, she needs to go out. I understand it, I wish her all the best in the world, but I don't want to be left alone. It's when I'm alone that I am at my worst. Sill, I don't want her to get depressed too and if she needs to escape it more power to her. At least she can escape it, unlike myself... I'm stuck with it.
You know that commercial on TV? The one where the lady's depressed and talks about having to wind herself up only to wind down and have to wind herself up again? Well that ain't even a tenth of how bad it is. It's the worst thing in the world, the feeling of loss, of being alone, of no energy, of wanting to curl up and hide from the world. The effort of will it takes just to get out of bed. The sadness and the tears. Never forget the tears. They unman you, make you feel like a wimp for crying over everything. Never forget those damn tears, I hate them.
Well as I started to say... I'm improving today. I'm still somewhat depressed but at least I'm up and moving and the tears are under control. So I'm doing better then I was yesterday. I'm looking forward to the coming of normalcy in the next day or 2. I think I need to mention these depressions to my doctor. Maybe I need a med adjustment.
My granddaughter just called and asked me to take them to church since it's All Saint's Day. I think I will. I'm up and moving, I just have to keep moving until 10:45 then go pick them up. Sounds easy enough huh? Not so easy for me though but I told her I would so I have to stay moving. I'm surprised she knew it was a holy day, her mother must have told her.
Now I'm committed. No more going back to bed. Not that I don't feel like it but I committed myself so I can't do it. Already I regret committing myself. Gotta stop this and enjoy the outing with the grandkids.
Oh well, that's enough journal. Wish me luck and strength, gonna need them to keep from curling back up in bed.
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Posted by Tony51203 on 2009-11-01 09:15:02 | Rating: | Views: 22
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