32256 Blog Feed: Tony51203 2008-07-24 05:07:52 Tony51203 Your e-mail address 127387 2008-07-23 06:47:26
Why you might ask? I'd have to answer that I don't really know. Fear i think, fear of the unknown. I think when it came down to it I was more afraid of the fallout from the changes then I am sick of this effing BP. I mean, with the meds I'm dealing with the BP but how would i deal with the turmoil and pain of completely new circumstances that bring unknown consequences?

I no sooner made my choice, my decision, then i began to regret it. I really don't want to be condemned to this life forever but now I am. I guess at heart, at the rock bottom level of it all i have no strength, no guts, i'm just one big wimp.

I feel like I've let myself down. I know I needed the changes if i was ever to have a chance to be normal and now I know i never will be. Almsot makes me want to give in to it and just let it happen. Why fight it if i don't have the guts to do what's really necessary?

Well I've made my choice now I have to learn to live with it. Really it shouldn't be that hard, I've lived with it for years. I guess mostly i have to work on really accepting the 2nd most stupid decision I've ever made. C'est la vie. ]]> 124839 2008-07-17 20:02:50
If you've been following along then you know I've recently had a fairly bad period of depression, real and total depression, not the combo manic-depressive state that is common to my manifestation of this beast. Well I'm happy to report I've gotten past that and I've been back to normal for around 5 days now. As always, i qualify that by saying mostly normal as others are normal, not as I am normal. As always I need to say normal for me is barely sane, that's not the normal I mean.

I had very a upsetting day today and I can feel that I could slip so easily back into depression but I'm not allowing it. I'm fighting it tooth and nail.

I saw the doctor again tonight. I reported that my manic periods have virtually disappeared and the normally manic depressive periods i usually experience have mutated to simple, outright depression (if anything about depression can be said to be simple).

In response he has added lexapro to the risperdal I've been taking. He said he chose lexapro 'cause it has minimum side effects and when we tried zyprexa and cymbalta before they did not work at all. Therefor he chose a different "class" of medicine. I really have to do some research to find out what to expect from the lexapro and eactly what the differences between it and cymbalta / zyprexa are. To start with I'm to take a minimum dose 1x/day. He warned that there is an outside chance that it could make me worse, make me suicidal in about 1 to 2 weeks, and to be aware of that and stop it immediately and contact him if it does. (He doesn't realize - I'm already suicidal!)

I'm not happy about the additional med - I still think life changes are my answer. If I can only bring them to bear then I can get off all this effing medication. I am not one to take pills for the rest of my life in an effort to enable me to control my mind and my emotions. If you've followed along then you know that to me it's all about control, always has been, and I've become expert at that control. So why cannot I control this? I will, i vow it, someday I will or they'll simply bury me.

My bad eye episodes - he's sending me to a regular eye doctor then pending his evaluation I may have to have a nuerological exam done. More to come on that as it plays out. I'm just glad it's not a med side effect or - as a very important friend of mine feared - signs of a stroke or near stroke.

that's enough for now. I've had a rough day, I'm drinking dinner tonight so let me get back to finishing my meal. ]]> 122791 2008-07-13 19:37:00
just got back from the Poconos and what a trip it was! Or i should say what a trip it wasn't!

'twas boring with a capitol B! But while I was gone it seems my life was running away on it's own!

So much happened, so much went on, I don't think I need to be inside my life anymore, I can just be a bystander and watch it run away on it's own.

my plans took a light year leap forward, (frightening in oh so many ways), my significant other discovered she has a life of her own much to her pain, and I found friends were discussing me and my secrets completely unbeknownst to me at a time when I'd have thought I was the farthest thing from their minds!

Felt good to know people who are important to me find me important enough to be the topic of discussion, even if only so minor a discussion, but I was surprised to say the least. In this case i think I can honeslty say it was time to share the secrets so it's no big deal at all. Indeed quite the opposite.

It a was big relief, in light of my schedule, to find my significant other really does have a life of her own even though she's paying for that discovery with pain right now (threw her back out on top of her knee problem!)

But really unsettling was the discovery that plans I've supposedly been making but making little headway with suddenly took a leap and a bound forward, all without me anywhere around to help out. Not really sure i was set for that, definitely a bit unnerving. Gotta put my nose to the grind stone and catch up to those plans before they run away without me and leave me behind. Sill not sure whether to say thank God for others who moved my plans forward, they were only doing what i'd said i wanted, or curse them for doing it without me (I've been sort of hemming and hawing and not really getting anywhere with these supposed plans).

God an awful lot can happen over a weekend especially when you're not around to participate! ]]> 120971 2008-07-09 23:29:37
For days now I've been without energy. It's all I can do to make myself do anything then once I start something it only takes the tiniest setback to dishearten me to the point where i abondon the effort.

I sit, more like hide, in my computer room and do virtually nothing.

I'm interested in nothing, not games, not reading a very good book I've started, not riding, not doing anything I need to do. The lawn needs cutting, I have to fix my truck, I need to get the basement ready for my daughter to move back, my lawn mower's broken, there's so much i need to do before I go back to work next week. yet here i sit, and have sat, for days. Each day I seem to get worse, more listless, more tired.

I never even got dressed today until long after dinner. I couldn't even force myself to shower for most of the day. I've been sleeping 12 to 16 hours a day all week. I'm totally listless and tired.

the only thing that's missing is that feeling of deep rooted sadness, the desire to curl up in a ball and sob, that usually accompanies these states. instead I feel merely dead inside, like I have no emotions at all.

Is this the BP type depression I've fought most of my life? It feels almost the same but without the emotions it's different. My wife thinks maybe it's a "valid" depression, one that has been brought on by real concerns rather then the unreasonable depression brought on by BP.

valid depression I ask? is there such a thing? Is any depression really valid? Does it matter? Is there a difference?

It's not disturbing me, bringing me close to tears as it normally does. I don't feel like I'm losing my mind or like the world's ending. I just don't feel like I'm part of the world.

Without the sadness i can't even say for certain I'm depressed but as i sit and think about it I realize I really am exhibiting most of the classic signs of depression. Maybe it feels different because I most commonly have a combination of mania and depression, not just one or the other.

Could this be because of the risperdal? it's a first since i've started taking it. hell it could be a first in my entire life.

I've never quite felt exactly this way before but the end result seems to be the same, my life passes by while I sit and watch. ]]> 119283 2008-07-06 12:57:13
To be granted one such friendship in our lives, one that withstands all trials and tests, one that time and distance cannot weaken, is truly the most priceless gift we'll ever receive. There is no sacrifice, no trial, no pain, not even that pain we feel when ultimately spearated by the que ball of life, that is too steep a price to pay. It's the closest and purest form of love we'll ever experience. ]]> 117193 2008-07-01 20:44:22
That's where I am right now. It's a beautiful thing, it feels so good yet it's painful too. Guess i can say, honestly, that it hurts so good.

It's really kinda bizarre - the dichotomy is so reminiscent of my BP you'd think it would drive me off the deep end. Yet it doesn't. In fact it does the opposite. It empowers me, helps me to maintain my center, keeps my stength up, makes me feel so good all the while it's hurting so much. It gives me reason to be at the same time it tries to suck all hope and light outta me.

How can it do both? I dunno, if you can tell me then please do so. All I know is it does. One minute I'm feeling like I've just left the top of the world, the next I'm almost at the bottom then I'm back again. Never quite at the top anymore but darn close. And none of it has anything to do with BP or is even feeding the BP, at least not yet.

I'm really not sure how to handle this, it's all such a new experience for me. I've never, ever been here before. I'm just trying to soldier my way on through and I think I'm doing surprisingly well at it. I know I'm surprising myself. That's a good thing, I don't surprise myself often enough anymore. ]]> 114746 2008-06-26 06:28:00
Damn, that in itself feeds the depression. It's even worse because I have absolutely no reason for it, none at all. And that adds fuel to it. So the beast is feeding off of all these little things, consequently it's stronger today then it's been for a while.

This sucks, I sit here mind in a whirl, thoughts racing, tears streaming down, feeling like I could break out in sobs and have no reason why, wanta hit myself, bang my head on the desk, go get blind, stinking, falling down drunk and it's only 6 AM. What the hell am I gonna do? How am I going to get through this day? It seems so pointless, so hopeless, will this never, ever end for good? Does it always have to keep driving me insane? Why is this back again and why is it so strong today? I look for a trigger but I can't even find a glimmer of one. Not that it's anything like it used to be but I've been so spoiled this one's hard to deal with.

I'm irritable as hell, all nervous and jerky, hands shaking, don't wanta go to work, i wanta just curl up somewhere and hide.

God I don't even think this is making any sense, my mind is just spinning. I wanta say this is horrible but how can it be when it's not even close to being as bad as I was used to? I should take off and go for a walk or a spin on the bike but I don't feel like doing anything, besides it's gonna rain.

I gotta just grow up and get a grip, grin and bear it, get trucking and face this monster down today. Oh well this too will pass, Maybe if I can just get moving it'll start going away. I wanta just say eff it all and give up, what's the point if I can't ever win? That's truly horrible, that is, because it's been so perfect. I miss being normal. Now I'm just back to normal for me. i hate myself when I'm like this, wish I could just cease to be.

Didja ever see one of those movies about time paradoxes? if only I could go back in time and stop my parents from ever creating me, then I'd never be and I WOULD just simply cease, vanish, disappear into that great bit bucket where all deleted files end up and no one would get hurt, never even miss me because they'd never know i ever was. ]]> 113731 2008-06-24 05:37:01
In the face of such constant stressors it's hard to find time to relax. Even when I make time there's so many things racing round my head, so much I have to do that actually using that time to really relax is very difficult.

In high school we were taught a very effective method of relaxation, we were taught to meditate. It's not always doable, somethimes because I can't spare a full hour, others because i just can't clear my mind.

During a recent conversation with a highly stressed friend I recommended she try to meditate and discovered she really did not know how. I was surprised, I've been doing this for so many years it seems like it's second nature and it's easy to forget that it was a learned skill, not something that came naturally so I thought it might be something others could benefit from and decided to write down my method for acheiving relaxation. I doubt it's the only, or even the best, way to achieve a meditative state but it works for me and so I'm presenting it here in the possibility that someone out there might be able to make use of it.

If you have trobule relaxing and you need some way to do so give this a shot. You'll generally need a quiet and peaceful hour or more you can devote to it but I've found that over time it comes more readily and can be achieved in a half hour or less with practice. If you do give it a try please leave me a comment and let me know how it works out. Also please don't be disappointed if yoo don't get completely there the 1st time or even the second. being able to completely focus on one thing and eliminate all extraneous thoughts is difficult and takes practice. Even then sometimes the world's intrusions are just too powerful and you have to settle for wherever you can reach in the process.

Here it is:

1st sit and get yourself comfortable, totally comfortable in a quiet spot. Close your eyes lightly.

Next focus on your breathing, feel it, sense it, listen to it. Now take control of it. Breathe slower and deeper, breathe in through your nose, start to fill your lungs starting at your diaghram, filling from bottom to top, feel your lungs expand as they fill, breathe deep and fill them to the top.

Now exhale slowly through your lips. Empty your lungs in reverse, from top to bottom. Feel your chest deflate as you do. Don't push the exhale, let it run it's norml course.

Repeat the breathing, again, and again, concentrate solely on your breathing, clear your mind of all else.

now develop a rythm with the breaths. Let them go and sart to have a life of their own. As you clear your mind of thoughts of your breathing. start picturing a muscle group, i start with my left foot, the toes one by one, see the muscle, feel it, picture it, know it. Feel it relax ever so slowly until it's completely limp. Move on to the next muscle group, and the next. Keep breathing and keep relaxing your muscles, each and every one, every muscle in your feet, your legs, your arms, body, neck, face and head. Feel them all relax as you visualize each one in it's place.

Now let your mind go blank and fill it with an image. I use a number, generally 7 against a black background but any image will do.

As you picture the image, concentrate on it more, try to make it more real and vivid. Give it texture and color. Make it 3 dimensional. try to make it solid.

Continue your breating and start to slowly rotate the image, see it from all sides, all angles as it slowly turns in your mind.

Continue breathing deep and slow, filling from bottom to top and emptying from top to bottom. in through your nose and out through your mouth.

Now see the image as it starts to fade, becomes transparent, becomes ever more insubstantial. The background is coming through and in a couple of minutes time the image is gone and your mind is empty.

At this point I continue to breathe and luxuriate in the relaxation until God knows how much time has passed and the world intrudes to bring me back.

]]> 112368 2008-06-21 08:48:38 Pulled back to show the light.
Suddenly the shadow's in retreat
And the world's revealed, so bright

Have you ever stood there stunned
By all the life that you surrounds.
Filled with peace and joy,
Love of life in you abounds

Have you ever felt that pain
you've lived with all your life
take a leave of absence,
to cause you no more strife

Have you ever walked that line
Between sane and totally insane?
But now it's lost the power
to cause you so much pain

Have you ever watched the sun
As it peeks out of clouds so dark.
The halo that surrounds it
Ignites life's mighty spark

Have you ever felt such peace
that to your eyes it brings tears,
Filled with all the wonder
Of vanquishing your fears

Have you ever met an angel,
Sent by God when you're in need
To smash away the darkness,
Victory is guaranteed

Have you ever walked that line
Between sane and totally insane?
The angel strides before you,
lights the way towards the sane

Have you ever....
I have ]]> 111026 2008-06-18 12:25:39

We've all heard it before - you need to give more then 100% to get ahead in life!

Well what makes 100%? What does it mean to give more then 100%? How about 103%?

Well mathematically it looks like this:

If the alphabet

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

was assigned the values

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

then:

hardwork doesn't get you there:

H A R D W O R K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

Neither does knowledge:

K N O W L E D G E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

but attitude, now that's a different story:

A T T I T U D E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

BUT bullshit:

B U L L S H I T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

Howz about that?

And even more interesting:

A S S K I S S I N G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+14+7 = 118%

So that's the mathematical proof that even though hard work and knowledge bring you close, and attitude get's you there only bullshit and asskissing puts you over the top!
]]> 109255 2008-06-14 13:33:48
I had a rough morning, a semi-manic depressive state, relatively mild but still alarming because they've been absent for so long. I dealt with that as usual, after battling against sitting here, banging my head on the desk and sobbing for no reason I finally got up and got busy. I was out at 7:30 AM cleaning the yard then cutting the grass. I then watered and fertilized the lawn. While the sprinkler was running I took a shower then moved the sprinkler and went for a ride then did my laps.

All of that combined calmed me down. I actually had a sense of peace and serenity until they all came home and the shit started. Fighting, arguing, one going after the other with a baseball bat, destroyed our screen house that's only 2 weeks old, just total mayhem.

Now I'm off to the races again... it's all I can do to keep from totally freaking, taking that bat and sticking up all their backsides. This is MY house, MY home, how dare they bring their shit into it! How DARE they disrepect it, me and my wife like that? Who the hell do they think they are? Just 'cause they're blood they're entitled to special dispensations to destroy anything they want, bring chaos into my home, my life, make me shake with the desire to beat them into the ground? They've all been adults for more then 7 years, or are supposed to be. When the helll are they going to leave us alone?

I'm here doing this because if I go downstairs I'm gonna lose it then the police'll be here. It's gonna rain so I can't be buzzing on the bike, I'm stuck here and I'm LOSING IT, I REALLY AM GONNA LOSE IT BIG TIME! They better effing stop it now. God I can't take it, gotta go somewhere.
]]> 108223 2008-06-12 07:32:32
I've been doing really well. Had that relatively mild depressive session over the weekend as I was coming home from the poconos and another really mild, and short lived, one yesterday afternoon. Not sure why but my manic periods seem to have vanished.

Seems to me the mild depressive times may even be normal depressive times, not assiated with my insanity. I think they may come out of times I know I'm gonna be home. I rarely it here, too much crap all the time, and I believe that's trying to be a trigger.

The good news there is that for the most part it's failing. I wanta credit the risperdal for that but as always, when I'm doing really well it's too ez to say it's because I'm in control and not give the med it's proper due. Logically I know I'm only in control because I'm taking it but emotionally I'm patting myself on the back and also giving credit to some other things going on in my life, like trying to help a person who may eventually become a good friend.

Oh well, who cares, what counts is I'm really doing well. Since doubling my dosage I've had next to no episodes and the few I've had have been so mild as to be irrelevant. They haven't had a chance at overcoming my control.

Today I take the 1st real, tiniest steps towards changing my life and overcoming this monster for good (I hope). And maybe, please Lord, someday I'll be able to give up the risperdal for good also. I actually quiver with glee at the thought and I'm overflowing with confidence and excitement. I'll tell you - as my plans evolve and progress time is gonna pass like molasses in January until I get where I'm heading but I think as I near completion it'll speed up to warp 5.

Not really sure why I'm so excited, I should have at least some apprehension - I know there's gonna be some real rough spots and quite a bit of turmoil but it's not bothering me at all, at least not yet.

You know it's kinda bizarre to me that I can say this and really mean it, I've never been able to before (at least not in the last 10 or 20 years) but life is good and looking like it's getting even better. ]]> 106691 2008-06-08 17:21:09
But I gotta say that's a dangerous combination for a manic depressive. I was fine, mostly, the whole trip, up on Saturday and back on Sunday. But it was oh so tempting on the way back. Each 18 wheeler I passed, each ravine I rode over, each cliff I rode along, temptation was unbelievable. It would be so easy and so quick at that speed. It'd be a flash then i'd be over. Hell, probably just as easy at 70, 75 but it was so much more on my mind at the higher speeds, especially coming back to this hell hole.

I knew what to expect and I wasn't disappointed. I no sooner got home then the shit started and I was longing to be out again and regretting the opportunities I missed on the way home, and others. That's me, the sum total of my life... regrets. It defines the whole entire shebang.

In case you can't tell yet, I think I'm entering another depressive state. I've got important emails to respond to from a person who really needs my help, the lawn to cut, my 10 commandments plaque I'm making for my CCD teacher's aide to finish, my pigsty computer room to clean up, firewood to clean up, split or dispose of, the bike to clean, truck brakes to change, the list goes on and on and on... and here I sit blogging. Even this is an effort, I wanta go curl up somewhere and cease to exist.

At least I'm seeing more and more evidence that the major life changes I'm planning are justified, even necessary. I warned them again today - remember this, I told them, just remember.

The time's coming when, if they do remember, they'll understand - or they'll hate me. Either way it's not much skin off my nose because i've about had it up to - well you can't see where up to so suffice it to say I'm done and the sooner the better. Plans are in the works and I'm taking my 1st small steps this week. Soon those steps will get bigger, and bigger, and eventually they'll be the giant, running steps of a man headed to a new life, hopefully one without this insanity even if it means life simply ends.

Well this has been quite an insane ramble. My apologies. I'm gonna end it now before it only gets worse. ]]> 105226 2008-06-04 18:21:39
OK. 1st and what I think are the most important questions for you. How long did it take me to get here and how did I do it?

I think I had this problem long before the 1st major attack but it's been almost 10 years since my 1st major BP period. That one culminated with my 1st attempt to take my own life. It put me into counseling which was a complete waste of time. No counselor really cared enough to understand me, that was obvious from the get go. And none of them knew me well enough to see through the smoke I was blowing at them to convince them that it was all an aberration and I was fine. I was given some mood stablizers, don't recall which, and that enabled me to stablize and maintain a semblance of control. Outwardly I was normal though internally i was as nuts as always.

That outwardly normal, inwardly nuts, went on to date. Sometimes i'd lose it outwardly too but I always managed to find something that helped me regain control and become, once again, outwardly normal.

Over the years I found many different things that seemed to help, for a while. None of them were permanent. See, that's part of the insidious nature of this and why I think of it as a beast, separate from me but trying to overcome me. It has the ability, given enough time, to take anything that helps and twist it, twist your thoughts and emotions so that what used to help becomes just another tool in the beast's arsenal that it uses against you.

So many times I turned to those close to me, sobbing or whatever, beggin for help, acting the fool, never taking advice and always arguing against their insights into my condition. I knew better I'd insist. Only I know me and what's going on, no one else.

The beast turned them against me too. Made me believe I'd destroyed all relationships I'd had with friends, siblings, parents, even my wife and kids. Sometimes that was true, usually it wasn't, but the beast made ME believe it so it may as well have been true.

That's really the root of how I ended up where i am right now. This time it started back in early winter. I fought it alone, ashamed to turn to anyone else after having done so so many times before and afraid they'd all had enough of my crap. When it really started to go bad I became desperate, really desperate to find help. I started to pester a very good friend whom I have driven outta her mind many times before over this thing. I still felt she'd be fed up with my crap, never gave her the chance to say she was or was not. I was really, really desperate so I started this blog. It was initially only marginal as help though one person on here (sad to say I can't remember who) actually IM'd me when I was really losing it and probably saved my life, for what is actually the 3rd time my life's been spared.

So in desperation i decided I had to see a doc, had to. After all some meds helped me get it under control the 1st time, it should work again.

This time I lucked out. My nephew's schizo and my sister in law, through my wife, insisted I'd been taking the same med he was on when I took the stabilizer. Whatever it was, it was not a BP med but it sounded like risperdal so the doc gave that a shot.

The rest, I believe, is miraculous. I'm now past outwardly normal to actually inwardly normal. I'm thiinking clear for the first time in many, many years. Friends, my parents and siblings, my family all see a major difference in me. They all see me as a happy person. ME, a happy person? that's been unheard of until now.

hope that answer's many of your questions. Any more clarification, any other questions or any other way i can help please ask. I'm eager to do so. I want to help because I've been there, done that, I know how terrible it is and I wouldn't wish this on Satan himself. besides, helping others can only help myself. It makes me feel value where I've rarely if ever seen any. ]]> 104827 2008-06-03 19:22:57
I'll tell ya, I can see why the doc had the fit that he did. I only missed 3 days of the med but it took me 5 days to come back, and it damn near did me in completely. Granted, I had a severe emotional challenge in the same time period which may be part of why it took so long but I can say this - it was horrible, I will never, ever let that happen again.

however, there WAS a plus side to it. I've found that checking out stage left is not really an option any longer even when I'm not completely sane. Or at least I've found I can fight it much easier. Don't get me wrong, it's not easy, never is, but I think I'm better prepared to fight now that i know for sure what joy there can be in normal life.

An additional plus is that I think I've gained some additional insight into my condition. I'm coming to, no I've come to the conclusion that a major life change is needed if I'm to continue to survive this battle. I believe I've begun to recognize some big factors that need to change or I will never have any hope of being normal forever and I've begun planning those changes. I'm hoping to start active preparations for those changes sometime in the next week. it will probably take 3 to 6 months to complete the changes and a few more months before I know if they're the right thing for me, if they're what I really need. It's been so many years that i've been denying the need for these very changes all the while being told repeatedly by people who love me that this is what I should be doing.

Strangely enough, though I'll be venturing into uncharted territory for me I'm full of optimism and excitement at the prospect. And those feelings in themselves are an entirely new experience for me. I think I used to be optimistic when I was much younger but I've walked on veritable eggshells for so long that I think I had forgotten how good it feels to be enthusiastic, to be hopeful, to be even cautiously optimistic.

I think hope is a wonderful thing and I'm thanking the good Lord for this chance to experience it. And more then ever i thank Him for the doc who gives me the med, for the risperdal itself and most importantly for a very special friend who's been putting up with a hell of a lot to help me through this. (You know who you are if you read this)

I also want to say thanks to those Thoughts users who recently posted comments to my latest entries, particularly Roe who has indicated that my descriptions of my experiences may help someone she knows in their own battle against BP. That knowledge in itself has given me enormous comfort and empowered me to keep on keepin' on. ]]> 103803 2008-06-01 12:11:07
My battle against this insidious monster is all about control. I struggle constantly to maintain control. I've been fighting that battle for years and did more then moderately well for most of that time.

But I recently let my guard down and now I'm paying the price. During the recent escalation of my espisodes, for the 1st time in my life I voluntarily acknowledged I have a problem and sought out a doctor for help. The medication he gave me seemed to work miracles. I was happy, the world was full of sunshine, for maybe 5 days out of every week I felt normal, I wasn't manic or depressive.

That was so new, so unusual that I was easily distracted from that most basic concept of my battle... I need to always maintain control. I let that control slip and now I'm paying the price.

the lesson learned here is to be on guard, when you start to feel better, to feel normal, don't be fooled into becoming complacent. Don't let the wondrousness of it blind you to your real condition. Always maintain the understanding that regardless if you feel normal you're not and never will be.

If you let yourself be fooled and begin to embrace the idea that you can be normal, that life can feel good, you can too easily lose all of the guards you've become dependant upon that help you maintain control. The price you'll pay once you realize where you've gone and acknowledge the need to retreat and regain control is terrible. It's made all the worse because you've allowed yourself to taste the good things, to feel the light and the warmth, and once you've done that retreating back into that black hole that has consumed your life for so many years is the hardest, most difficult and painful thing, even worse then any previous attempt to gain control.

It's really, really, really hard to go back to being alone in the darkness once you've tasted that light. Far better to have stayed there when you had accustomed yourself to it then to fool yourself into thinking, feeling, believing that you can be normal only to have it come crashing back upon your head, your heart, your soul that you never can be.

I guess the plus side is that now I know for certain life isn't the hell I live, not for everyone. Still that's only all the more pain because I know what it can be and now realize 100% for certain it will never be for me.

I'm really trying to remain determined to come out the other side of this better and stronger then i've been. I know I can if I can only keep wanting it but it's so hard to retain the desire to fight it, to actually keep wanting to fight, it's sooo difficult to keep from just giving up, I'm not sure I can. I want to pray, to ask God for the strength to keep wanting to beat this, not necessarily to really win but to just keep desiring to win, but the very next second I just don't care, I just wanta quit. ]]> 102984 2008-05-30 06:08:07
First an update on my progess. After my last appt w/the doc he wanted me to switch to once a day, double the dosage, instead of 2x/day. For the 1st 5 or so days I had very rough mornings and decided to switch back to the 2x/day regimen, which returned me to how I'd been.

I've still continued to have some manic or combination states every 5 or 6 days. I'm actually do for another one Saturday or Sunday. All in all though I've been happy and mostly normal (other people's normal, my normal is only borderline sane)

I've been doing so good that when I ran out on Monday I decided I would go a few days without it since I had another doc's appt Thursday night. As normal as I've been feeling it's hard to credit the risperdal completely and I fully expected to be OK, maybe some minor issues but nothing I couldn't handle after what I've dealt with before.

At the doc's last night I could feel a depressive state starting, starting early as far as I can measure. The doc had a shit fit and told me never, ever go cold turkey with psychotropic drugs. He also doubled my dosage and agreed I should stay on the 2x/day schedule. I tried to get the script filled last night but the pharmacy said they were out and wouldn't be able to fill it before Tuesday next week.

My depressive state deepened last night and continues to worsen this morning (it's gonna be a real bad one, I can feel it). I can't tell yet if it's a combo state but since I'm typing this I suspect it is. I'm battling a zombie state this morning, trying to keep from curling up in a corner, banging my head on the wall and sobbing for no known reason. This is especially hard to cope with most likely because of the contrast to how I've been and the truly wonderful days I've had recently.

This is gonna be a tough day, I've at least one very trying and emotional thing I've decided to do and that alone could be the trigger for where I'm at. It's really hard for me to tell if this condition is due to my decision or if the decision is brought about by this condition but I'm gonna do it if opportunity allows.

My wife's gonna try some other pharmacies today. Hopefully I'll have the refill tonight and I'll improve before my grandson's birthday party tomorrow. In the meantime I can only hope the bike ride to work helps me this morning and that I can keep from doing anything desperate because I can feel the need, the drive to get it over with and it's eating away at me again.
]]> 100060 2008-05-22 21:05:12
The sky has alternated between dark and lumbering and spotted clouds with unbelievable sunshine most of the day. Still, this was absolutely extraordinary!

Sometime around 6 this evening the sky seemed to clear and the day become bright, warm and welcoming.

I decided to take a buzz on the bike, go to the park and do my 3 or 4 laps since I've missed a few days.

Usually by the end of the 3rd lap my shins are breaking and I'm almost crawling. But today, at that point, I began to feel something I haven't felt since I was in high school and running 5 miles a day for wrestling. Something so wonderful, yet painful, that I felt I could go on forever. If you've ever pushed yourself to the limit and beyond then you know what I mean when I say I felt the burn, that sensation that drives you to go until either pain or exhaustion drops you where you stand and you could do no more if life depended on it.

I did 3 more laps and during the 5th lap I was struck by a sight so awesome I stopped dead in my tracks. It seemed like the sky had split, to the north it was completely overcast with dark, lumbering clouds, so nasty and violent looking. Direclty overhead the clouds were broken with bright sunshine streaming through. To the south the sky was cloudless and so vibrantly robin's egg blue that it was awesome. But what gave me real pause was the sun, hidden behind broken cloud cover yet it's rays streaming out all around, so powerful and bright, so strong and clear, it provoked a picture of God in all his majesty. I was dazzled and stood and stared, open mouthed like a fool, for a good 5 minutes until the clouds had moved on.

That contrast between the ultimate dark, the ultimate light and the partially hidden light that was still too strong to be contained evoked thoughts of God, Satan and his attempts to obscure the real God. I was moved almost to tears.

I finished my laps and buzzed on home and it was a good ride, one of the best this week. When I got home I put the bike in the garage and was heading in when I was stopped by an even more stunningly moving, powerful sight. There was a rainbow out to the northeast, starting in those dark, haunting clouds and moving southwestward until it vanished in the light of the clear blue sky. It was the most vibrant, clear cut rainbow I've ever seen, it actually had a mirror image reflection to the northwest. It shone with color and seemed to be God's answer to Satan... try as you might to obscure ME, My light, power and love still shine through for all the world to see!

To say I've been moved way beyond myself tonight is such understatement that it's almost insulting. I feel God gave me a sign. Today was another time of real manic depression, the kind of time I most commonly question my sanity and long to hurt myself, to end this life. Yet it has finished on such an upbeat note that I can only hope to make it real enough for you to see and understand.

thank You God. Once again I know You're there for me and all of us! ]]> 99632 2008-05-21 21:31:14 To the world "Help me please"?
Only to know that it's not
something you do with ease

Have you ever looked in the mirror
And seen a stranger staring back?
The face looks familiar
But your soul the eyes do lack

Have you ever longed to cry out
To the world "Do you care?"
Ready to tell it all
Your soul to lay bare

Have you ever walked that line
Between sane and totally insane?
You stop and then you realize
No one cares just the same

Have you ever been to the edge,
just to stand there and stare?
Longing to take the plunge,
Too scared to chance the dare

Have you ever stood inside
A world so full of light?
yet inside you it's so dark
You think you've lost your sight.

Have you ever hated it all
And longed for it to end?
The only thing left to do
Is for you to decide when?

Have you ever walked that line
Between sane and totally insane?
You know it soon has to end
To stop this awful pain ]]> 97529 2008-05-16 08:39:01
If you are the originator of this or know who is please post the credits here - I'd like to vote for you for president.

Below is the text of the email. Let me say that if these beliefs mark you as a bad Amercian, I am one and am proud of it.

Email text:

 YES, I'M A BAD AMERICAN



I Am the Liberal-Progressives Worst Nightmare. I am an American.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some Liberal governmental functionary be it Democratic or Republican!
I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way!



I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer, it makes you a smart American.
I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything.
I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, do it in English.



I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to.
My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and whoever canceled Jerry Springer.
I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.



I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time watching or arguing about it.
I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you! So, shut up already.
I believe if you don't like the way things are here, go back to where you came from and change your own country! This is AMERICA.

If you were born here and don't like it you are free to move to any Socialist country that will have you.
I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches, where he gets his money, and why he is always part of the problem and not the solution. Can I get an AMEN on that one?
I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry rear if you're running from them..
I also think they have the right to pull you over if you're breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.
And, no, I don't mind having my face shown on my drivers license. I think it's good..... And I'm proud that 'God' is written on my money.
I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.
I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me stuff or trying to guilt me into making 'donations' to their cause.
I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents, one of each sex.
I believe 'illegal' is illegal no matter what the lawyers think.
I believe the American flag should be the only one allowed in AMERICA!
If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.



If you are a BAD American too, please forward this to everyone you know.
We want our country back!
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