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I'm exhibiting all of the classic signs of a deepening depression without the deep, debilitating sadness.
For days now I've been without energy. It's all I can do to make myself do anything then once I start something it only takes the tiniest setback to dishearten me to the point where i abondon the effort.
I sit, more like hide, in my computer room and do virtually nothing.
I'm interested in nothing, not games, not reading a very good book I've started, not riding, not doing anything I need to do. The lawn needs cutting, I have to fix my truck, I need to get the basement ready for my daughter to move back, my lawn mower's broken, there's so much i need to do before I go back to work next week. yet here i sit, and have sat, for days. Each day I seem to get worse, more listless, more tired.
I never even got dressed today until long after dinner. I couldn't even force myself to shower for most of the day. I've been sleeping 12 to 16 hours a day all week. I'm totally listless and tired.
the only thing that's missing is that feeling of deep rooted sadness, the desire to curl up in a ball and sob, that usually accompanies these states. instead I feel merely dead inside, like I have no emotions at all.
Is this the BP type depression I've fought most of my life? It feels almost the same but without the emotions it's different. My wife thinks maybe it's a "valid" depression, one that has been brought on by real concerns rather then the unreasonable depression brought on by BP.
valid depression I ask? is there such a thing? Is any depression really valid? Does it matter? Is there a difference?
It's not disturbing me, bringing me close to tears as it normally does. I don't feel like I'm losing my mind or like the world's ending. I just don't feel like I'm part of the world.
Without the sadness i can't even say for certain I'm depressed but as i sit and think about it I realize I really am exhibiting most of the classic signs of depression. Maybe it feels different because I most commonly have a combination of mania and depression, not just one or the other.
Could this be because of the risperdal? it's a first since i've started taking it. hell it could be a first in my entire life.
I've never quite felt exactly this way before but the end result seems to be the same, my life passes by while I sit and watch. |
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Posted by Tony51203 on 2008-07-09 23:29:37 | Rating: | Views: 83
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Im so sorry tony!
now for my questions
did you do anything different
did you take your meds at a different time
I think one of the reasons why this depression is so different is because you are really trying to get inside it and look around and see how it really feels, like you are having an out of body depression experience? You are now like a scientist and you are the guinea pig...cuz you want to help so many people and you have!
I have been told and I have also read this, that most b pollar bears, is what I started calling it...anyway... most people take more than one medication, becuase most have multiple things, its rare to have only bp. Some have ocd, some have anxiety, some have a host of things...I know you do not want to hear this, but I think you risperdal has been a wonder drug for you, you just might need to add something else or tweak your dose, when is the last time you saw the doc?
No disrespect to your wife, but VALID DEPRESSION...meaning a normal depressed state, sitting and not able to dress or shower or read a book is not normal...feeling a little blue is
what you have is BLACK! and unfortunetly its back!
so catch that sucker before it gets you...force your self to go to the doctor, tell him all this...and if you cant do it, ask someone to take you or make you, just go! You know you do not have to suffer like this, you know there is a better life out there, your bike is out there, you know that...its just a chemical thing and it stinks, but its not something you can fight, you can not win where this beast is concerned, surrender...and then you will find peace again, I am sure of it...this is only temporary, keep telling yourself that, I know you know that...you have been keeping such great records of your moods, give the doc a copy and let him figure it out...you always seem to be real quick to give the big r a good swift kick, you fight it, yet know, it has worked for you...but remember we do not have to figure out what came first, the chicken or the egg, we just need to make an omlette
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Posted by roe
on 2008-07-10 02:08:59
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I've been good taking my meds. Not missing any, taking them the same time, etc.
I think maybe it's because i've been home all week. I never should have taken vacation. Being here isn't good for me, I know that.
I go back to the doctor next week.
As i said, I'm not even sure I'm depressed. Symptoms are the same but it feels different. Aren't "feelings" the key symptom? Don't you have to feel blue, very blue, to be depressed? I feel nothing, nothing at all.
The bike doesn't help, I really don't even want to ride.
Oh well, I'm going over my parent's this morning to get my dad to help me look at this f@#$^&*g truck. If I'm right about bein home then that should help even if I have for force myself to get up and out.
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Posted by Tony51203
on 2008-07-10 07:06:05
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being home could do it? let me know how you feel today
it could be just a case of apathy
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Posted by roe
on 2008-07-10 10:01:13
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Feeling a bit better today, not perfect but better. I drug myself out this morning and took my truck over to my parent's for help from dad in fixing it. He supplied incentive, I had to do it, couldn't leave him stuck working on my truck.
Got the truck and the lawn mower fixed. I'm still low on energy and full of melancholy but I'm better.
Could be 'cause I spent the whole day out, I dunno. Right now I don't care.
Got some real proof today that I have better friends out there then I sometimes credit. I mean I know there are people who care but sometimes ceratin gestures reinforce that and really make me feel good.
Still, I'm developing the sadness I haven't had, think that's the final proof I'm in depression again. If I let myself I could sit and let tears pour down my face and I'd have no reason why. I could just sit here and continue to let my life just pass right by, lay my head down and go to sleep, I'm not even hungry.
I have no clue where this one's coming from. I've been good, the only thing different is I'm on vacation and I'm home. That's why I say i gotta go back to work.
I think I'm going back up the pocono's this weekend if my friends are gonna be up there. I'm going over their house in a bit to see.
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Posted by Tony51203
on 2008-07-10 17:14:52
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God, I hate this monster, it is so hard to watch or read in this case, suffer, its just not fair. I know life isnt fair, but here you are doing all the right things and you are still feeling like shit!
Can you imagine how someone who is not doing all the right things must feel?
All the good work you have done to help people will come back and give you a giant hug and pray you will feel better soon...I wish I could do something more...but sadly, it seems like it might be a private hell. I have a question, does anything make you feel better when you feel like this and does anything make you feel worse?
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Posted by roe
on 2008-07-10 18:23:16
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Hard to say. Being home makes me feel worse. Being out and around certain people makes me feel more numb which is better.
Right now nothing gives me energy or incentive. Not riding, not reading, not watching tv, not working, not doing anything, not even doing nothing.
Even sleeping makes me feel like shit, like I'm wasting my vacation, my life.
Now I'm getting really depressed. The sadness is becoming overwhelming. Think I'm gonna curl up and sleep for the next 3 days until I go back to work.
No I'm not, I am not gonna do that. I am gonna go up to the poconos. I just haven't been able to get a hold of my friends who have a place up there. I will not make 3 more days of being home.
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Posted by Tony51203
on 2008-07-10 18:51:59
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Thanx for your concern. I am definily BP, have been for more years then you've been on earth. I don't mean that to sound condescending, it just is what it it is. I've been on risperdal for a few months now and have been doing really well overall. This entry, and some of my others, are merely to chonicle my journey through this wasteland. If you're there then you understand what I mean.
In point of fact, if you are there and you're having issues or you need someone to talk with I'd like to help. Helping is one of the tools that helps me. I will definitly check out your blog and probably leave you some comments. It may be a day or 2 but it's for sure.
Who knows, maybe we can be good for each other.
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Posted by Tony51203
on 2008-07-13 18:28:14
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