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| Dec 31, 2008 5:30 AM |
OK the numbness continues today. I feel little cracks in it but I quickly shift my thoughts away and return to being completely nuetral. Don't think I ever want to leave this state. It's so alluring and I know the pain and insanity that awaits me if i do let the numbness go.
I'm glad to hear that some of you think the numness is a normal state at times. I was worried it was a new manifestation of the BP or perhaps it was presaging a manic episode which is what really should be coming next. I'm hoping to avoid that.
So all said and done I'm still doing well. My sleep is becoming more settled each and every day. I only woke twice last night and each time I fell back asleep relatively easily. Those damnable 4:00 wake ups seem to have gone by the wayside. I'm back to not truly waking until I've drank a cuppa that wonderful dark roast grind. I'm feeling more like myself each and every day.
Tonight at midnight is the deadline. I've made up my mind that I'm going 100% cold turkey at midnight. No more trying to cut back smoking to get ready to quit. I'm just going to do it in one fell swoop. I haven't really made any plans for dealing with it since i don't know what to expect. I'm just figuring I'll deal with each urge as it comes. Wish me luck, I'm gonna need it. Work will be the hardest, that and sitting at my pc blogging. In work smoking is my only chance to get up and out of the office usually and when I'm at home in front of the computer I have a smoke lit almost constantly, though I really don't smoke it so much. I just need to take it one smoke at a time until hours turn into days and days turn into weeks. I hope anyway. I'll have to change my mindset and become a non-smoker in my head, i know that but cannot do it until I've quit. I have on pack left for today then I'm buying no more. Again, I hope. Big words for such a little man.
This is it, amateur night. After this is the long, dark, cold stretch of winter. Next real holiday break is Easter. I always believed we should push Christmas back to like mid February to break up that long dark stretch. LOL It really is a depressing time.
We have no plans for tonight so I expect we'll either be sitting home or going over my sister in law's. I think I'd prefer to sit home, I'm not good at social scenes and I don't have a lot in common with those people anymore. Another casualty of one of my insane periods. So many casualties this year. It really hasn't been good since like April. If I had to review the year it would be a year of losing one friend after another, one insane period at a time. Not been a good year for friendships at all, except of course for all the friends I've met here on thoughts. Thank God for you guys or I'd have no one left at all.
Well I don't know if this is a ramble or another journal entry. A little of both I'd say so I'll categorize it as a rambling journal entry. Thanx for listening. Time for another cuppa joe.
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Posted by Tony51203 on 2008-12-31 05:53:39 | Rating: | Views: 97
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