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| Another attack of the beast
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it's another manic depressive day, mild but still stronger then it's been. I've been spoiled lately, these things are coming fewer and farther between and have been really mild but this one's only moderately mild, maybe even a little stronger then that.
Damn, that in itself feeds the depression. It's even worse because I have absolutely no reason for it, none at all. And that adds fuel to it. So the beast is feeding off of all these little things, consequently it's stronger today then it's been for a while.
This sucks, I sit here mind in a whirl, thoughts racing, tears streaming down, feeling like I could break out in sobs and have no reason why, wanta hit myself, bang my head on the desk, go get blind, stinking, falling down drunk and it's only 6 AM. What the hell am I gonna do? How am I going to get through this day? It seems so pointless, so hopeless, will this never, ever end for good? Does it always have to keep driving me insane? Why is this back again and why is it so strong today? I look for a trigger but I can't even find a glimmer of one. Not that it's anything like it used to be but I've been so spoiled this one's hard to deal with.
I'm irritable as hell, all nervous and jerky, hands shaking, don't wanta go to work, i wanta just curl up somewhere and hide.
God I don't even think this is making any sense, my mind is just spinning. I wanta say this is horrible but how can it be when it's not even close to being as bad as I was used to? I should take off and go for a walk or a spin on the bike but I don't feel like doing anything, besides it's gonna rain.
I gotta just grow up and get a grip, grin and bear it, get trucking and face this monster down today. Oh well this too will pass, Maybe if I can just get moving it'll start going away. I wanta just say eff it all and give up, what's the point if I can't ever win? That's truly horrible, that is, because it's been so perfect. I miss being normal. Now I'm just back to normal for me. i hate myself when I'm like this, wish I could just cease to be.
Didja ever see one of those movies about time paradoxes? if only I could go back in time and stop my parents from ever creating me, then I'd never be and I WOULD just simply cease, vanish, disappear into that great bit bucket where all deleted files end up and no one would get hurt, never even miss me because they'd never know i ever was.
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Posted by Tony51203 on 2008-06-26 06:28:00 | Rating: | Views: 65
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bite your tongue
I would miss you!
and I know
I am not the only one
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Posted by roe
on 2008-06-27 01:22:06
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OK, tongue properly bitten.
Speaking from here, just the other side of it, yesterday wasn't so bad. Not like it seemed while I was there and it only lasted for maybe half the day. I'm grateful for that, it used to go on for days.
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Posted by Tony51203
on 2008-06-27 04:43:45
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