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I'm alone again, naturally. I sit here stressing, bouncing off walls and trying to focus, trying to keep myself under control.
It's amazing, I've always been one who was totally comfortable with his own company. Never needed the noise and commotion of thers to keep myself on a level keel.
Not anymore man. I just do not do well alone these days. Not sure if I despise myself so much that I'm uncomfortable being stuck in an empty house with me or if I've just lost all ability to focus, to enjoy the solitude, to occupy myself and stay sane.
I do know that I can't stand being alone. I can't face myself in my thoughts or in the mirror. I get intropsective and look into my own head and don't like the insanity I see there.
I've had too much alone time and I'm strongly tempted to hurt myself, to punch myself in the face, to cut myself, to bang my head on a wall. I think, I feel, like my sanity is slipping away. Well at least i feel something, better then the alternative.
There's nothing I can bring myself to do in order to occupy myself, nothing on TV to occupy my mind, no one to talk to in order to keep this at bay. I get started in one direction, quickly become disheartened then start something else only to have it repeat.
This blog, this entry, is my last ditch attempt to focus, to keep myself in some semblance of control. I wish there were someone i could talk to, someone who'd understand and bounce banalities back and forth just to keep my mind under control.
I really don't want to descend to hurting myself again. I frigging hate being alone.
I thought I was stable? Where the eff was my head? Is this stable? This is about the most unstable I've been but then it's also my 1st time totally alone in quite a while.
Amazing how close that line is... the one between sanity and insanity, between stability and total loss of control. It's drawing ever closer and I don't know what I can do to push it back.
Maybe i can browse some blogs... maybe I can find someone to talk to. It's nasty out or I'd buzz off on my bike to go see my parents. Maybe i will anyway, i gotta do something to keep my control. It's slip, slipping away and I can't seem to grab on to anything in order to hold it.
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Posted by Tony51203 on 2008-09-28 15:00:10 | Rating: | Views: 78
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Just keep blogging, it helps more than you'd think.
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Posted by ladiegodiva
on 2008-09-28 15:15:32
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Breathe, count, recite poetry...anything to distract your mind...
Anything is better than harming yourself or wanting to cross that line into self abuse.
As you said, the line between stability and insanity is a close one, which means you can push back to get closer to sanity...
So push!!!
Fight!!!
Rationalise as much as you most possibly can. Write down every negative thought in your head and rationalise it with the facts. Cheesy, but it DOES help!
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Posted by foreva_and_a_day
on 2008-09-28 15:23:25
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Do you ever think that you will ever be able to just be in your own presence...and enjoy it?
Experience all of the feelings...expect the array of all the emotions....turn the array into a colorful rainbow.
I have learned to just...."be"
It feels good.
We all run through all of our emotions...trying to feel ..."ok"
'Tis okay.
You do not have to be alone...unless you prefer it.
You're ok.
really
you are
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Posted by DifficultSoul
on 2008-10-05 16:15:40
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Thank you. Often times I'm perfectly fine with myself. Just sometimes, depending on where I am in myc cyle, I have a very hard time standing myself. I look in the mirror and despise the weakling I see looking back. I feel out of control and unable to get it back. When I'm up I don't have that problem but when I've been up and am starting that slide back into the depths then I have the energy to hate myself and the insanity to drive it. Not really sure where it comes from but it's a sure sign that I'm sinking again.
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Posted by Tony51203
on 2008-10-05 16:32:11
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