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It's now been a week since I took any lexapro. I started out with high hopes that getting off it was a turn for the better. I'd been depression free for quite a while and the risperdal does a fine job of keeping the mania away. Result was I was normal, really normal, for so long that is was hard to recall being insane.
But I'm not doing so good anymore. The depression's creeping back, little by little, day by day. Each day is a little worse then the day before. I know the doc said I can call the office and get a scrip for some more lexapro if I feel I need it but I keep hoping that one more day and I'll turn the corner and start to get through it without the med.
Yesterday morning seemed to lend credence to that. It started out real well, I was happy, almost elated. It was close to the elation caused by mania but without the high energy, thoughts running, twitching side affects. Really thought it was proof that I can get through this without the lexapro. But the day got worse, my smile melted and I started to feel the effing depression coming back. By end of day I was struggling again to hold it together.
Today's starting out bad. I'm listless, having trouble getting moving, could so easily curl up in a corner and bang my head on a wall or just go back to bed. Tears are pressing on my eyes again and I'm not sure I can deal with it. If today grows worse as the day progresses then this is gonna be a bad one.
Each day with this I say one more day, give me one more day without the med and I'll be okay. Today's no different. I so badly want to be normal without having to take medication for the rest of my life. But I'm really starting to doubt that I can make it without it.
Sometime ago I read a blog on here posing the question "if you knew your unborn child would grow up to be BP would you abort that child's life". I'm strongly opposed to abortion but pro choice meaning I refuse to limit someone else's choices just because of my own beliefs. But right now, at this moment, I have to ask myself would I really condemn a child of mine to this life of misery if I could prevent it? I feel I'd owe them life but a good life, a happy life, not this hell on earth. I guess right now I'm not so steady in my beliefs and lean towards doing anything to save the child from this kind of hell. Would that be worth their life? Probably not, probably be best to fight it but I'm oh so tired of fighting a losing battle.
My uncle's turning worse again. Hospice is moving him outta the hospital and back to the nursing home again. We all fear the home will only make it even worse. He's still barely eating and remains off the dialysis. I'm starting to think that if nothing else he's ultimately going to starve to death. How long can someone live on a few sips of water and a coupla scoops of water ice or jello every day?
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Posted by Tony51203 on 2008-09-04 06:12:30 | Rating: | Views: 116
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Tony..I feel your pain in this post. I haven't read any of your other posts so I am judging only on this one. Could I ask you why you are taking yourself off of your medicines? If you had diabetes..you would not consider taking your self off of insulin.
BP is a disease, just like diabetes, just affecting a different organ in your body. If the lexapro helps you and makes you feel more stable/normal, then there is no shame in taking it. If you were a parent, would you put your child through what you are going through? I doubt it. You seem like a great guy..take your medicines..and live your life the best you can. IF it helps you to feel normal, then it is right for you.
Without dialysis a person can live some time. Once my mother stopped eating and drinking she lasted one week. People are different though. I will say a prayer for your uncle and for you.
peace :) shemelts
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Posted by shemelts
on 2008-09-04 08:33:01
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Than you for your payers, my uncle can use every prayer he gets.
I did not take myself off the medicine, at least not stricly speaking. i suggested it to the doc since i was taking 1/2 the minimum dose every day. he agreed on a more or less trial basis.
I know I can go back on it but it galls me to have to use medication to keep my metal and emotional state on an even keel. They are after all what essentially defines me as a person so i always feel I need to be in control of them without artificial help.
I am a parent, and a grandparent, and no I would not suggest my child go off the meds if they were in my position. But that's different to me, that's my child not myself. BP is a game of control, trying to maintain it and strengthen it. I feel I should better be able to control my state after so many years. And before you ask, yes I would understand and even accept that statement if it came from my child or grandchild. i would be against it but I'd understand and accept it.
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Posted by Tony51203
on 2008-09-04 08:47:57
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It's good to know where you stand. Once in a while you need to reinforce exactly why it is that you stand where you do. Going off the lexapro seems to have provided that reinforcement. I'm most likely going to end up back on it but I still want to try, maybe a little more time and i can get past this without the med. I'm treading a fine line. I accept it's come back and it's slowly getting worse. i have to allow that to happen if I'm to have a chance at getting past it. But I can't allow it to go too far before i give up and go back on the medication. In a perfect world, if i could have my wish, I'd be able to give up these meds, both of them, and deal with the bp shit on my own or, even better, eliminate it. I know it's not a perfect world but does that mean I should just give up without even trying?
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Posted by Tony51203
on 2008-09-04 09:21:09
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You are going through a really tough time, although obviously not the worst you have every been. I'm not a doctor so I guess you really should go back and discuss where you should be with the drugs. I will add you to my prayer list this morning as I am praying for a young girl, just married with BP and I know just what it can cause. It is such a devastating condition, so much worse than the physical. I really hope when you read this you will be feeling much better and maybe even have some good news about your uncle.
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Posted by overthehillandfar...
on 2008-09-05 04:44:29
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Thank you for for your prayers. And thank you for praying for that young lady. there are a few people I've met on here at thoughts who are battling this beast either for themselves ot their child. I always pray for them and I will pray for you young miss also.
I called the doc yesterday and am restarting the lexapro today. My uncle is continuing to worsen. Once again he can't stay awake more then a few minutes at a time, is in constant pain and cannot even sit up by himself.
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Posted by Tony51203
on 2008-09-05 05:06:32
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Be strong.
You know that the horror of it fade eventually and there will be sunshine again. Hold onto your faith. Remeber that you have made it as far as you have because of the strong person you are and that you CAN beat it.
Do not let it beat you.
You did well to even feel strong enough to stop the meds. And perhaps it will help you to see how good lfe is without the swings and roundabouts...
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Posted by foreva_and_a_day
on 2008-09-08 17:12:26
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Thank you for your words. I'm being as strong as I can.
I just heard, my uncle passed about 45 mins ago. Thank god I made it up to see him yesterday.
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Posted by Tony51203
on 2008-09-08 18:10:46
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