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| A lesson from the battle against BP
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this lesson is from my struggle with BP. I do not guarantee it applies to anyone else's struggle because I know no one else's specifics besides my own but I think i know mine well enough.
My battle against this insidious monster is all about control. I struggle constantly to maintain control. I've been fighting that battle for years and did more then moderately well for most of that time.
But I recently let my guard down and now I'm paying the price. During the recent escalation of my espisodes, for the 1st time in my life I voluntarily acknowledged I have a problem and sought out a doctor for help. The medication he gave me seemed to work miracles. I was happy, the world was full of sunshine, for maybe 5 days out of every week I felt normal, I wasn't manic or depressive.
That was so new, so unusual that I was easily distracted from that most basic concept of my battle... I need to always maintain control. I let that control slip and now I'm paying the price.
the lesson learned here is to be on guard, when you start to feel better, to feel normal, don't be fooled into becoming complacent. Don't let the wondrousness of it blind you to your real condition. Always maintain the understanding that regardless if you feel normal you're not and never will be.
If you let yourself be fooled and begin to embrace the idea that you can be normal, that life can feel good, you can too easily lose all of the guards you've become dependant upon that help you maintain control. The price you'll pay once you realize where you've gone and acknowledge the need to retreat and regain control is terrible. It's made all the worse because you've allowed yourself to taste the good things, to feel the light and the warmth, and once you've done that retreating back into that black hole that has consumed your life for so many years is the hardest, most difficult and painful thing, even worse then any previous attempt to gain control.
It's really, really, really hard to go back to being alone in the darkness once you've tasted that light. Far better to have stayed there when you had accustomed yourself to it then to fool yourself into thinking, feeling, believing that you can be normal only to have it come crashing back upon your head, your heart, your soul that you never can be.
I guess the plus side is that now I know for certain life isn't the hell I live, not for everyone. Still that's only all the more pain because I know what it can be and now realize 100% for certain it will never be for me.
I'm really trying to remain determined to come out the other side of this better and stronger then i've been. I know I can if I can only keep wanting it but it's so hard to retain the desire to fight it, to actually keep wanting to fight, it's sooo difficult to keep from just giving up, I'm not sure I can. I want to pray, to ask God for the strength to keep wanting to beat this, not necessarily to really win but to just keep desiring to win, but the very next second I just don't care, I just wanta quit. |
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Posted by Tony51203 on 2008-06-01 12:11:07 | Rating: | Views: 167
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Please dont quit!
Please keep fighting, you are so close, you are learning so many lessons to help you with your future, and you do have a future and it will be even better for you because youve made it through so much pain. You will never take the little things for granted and just think about how many people you will be able to help. Who knows how many people this post alone might have helped.
Ive read that going off your meds is one of the biggest problems with this chemical imbalance, as soon as you start feeling better, you want to go off the meds because you just do not want to admit, you actually have bp.
well, you learned the hard way, but now you know and you also know its manageable ...maybe there is still no cure, but it can be managed with meds and you can lead a normal productive life and although you probably do not feel lucky to have it, its better than cancer. I am going to send your post to someone who is in denial over this baffling brain disorder and maybe you will be able to reach that person when no one else has been able to get through to them.
Please please dont quit. Keep writing and let us know how you are doing. Journal everyday even if you dont post it. Keep track of your up and downs and figure out all your triggers, really work at this, its like a job!
Think of yourself like an athlete in training and do what you have to do.
One of my favorite sayings is
do what you have to do
so you can do what you want to do
so if you want to lead a "normal, healthy" life, then
do what you have to do
so you can do
what you want to do!
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Posted by roe
on 2008-06-02 03:19:43
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I guess by writing this you have just helped a lot of people. By your bravery you have helped others to be brave. By your sensitivity you have helped others to be sensitive towards you. You are a unique person, someone who has acknowledged the negative side of your personality and in doing so gained the positive.
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Posted by overthehillandfar...
on 2008-06-02 04:30:49
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Thank you both for your comments. I don't feel brave, I just gotta do what I gotta do.
And I don't think I'm sensitive, at least no more so than anyone else. I've just lived with this long enough, analyzed it deep enough, that I think I know my personal beast better then I know anyone else.
And I know I'm lucky, see that's one of the things that makes it so bad - you feel so horrible yey know there are pletny of others far worse off then you are so you tell yourself "what's the matter with you? Look at Joe, or Mary or whomever, they're problems could be yours!" but it doesn't stop the hurt and doesn't help you get sane. In fact that mean little beastie ffeds off thoughts like these and grows stronger.
I really do honestly hope this helps others. Besides being a method of coping, the hope that it can help someone before it's too late for them I one of the big reasons I keep posting. f by my suffering, by baring it, I can help someone then I do have a purpose after all.
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Posted by Tony51203
on 2008-06-02 20:20:52
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Roe - if you know someone who is having similar problems, if you think it will help them to see the possibilities then feel free to send them my blog. In fact I encourage it. I took my so many years to accept it (I still haven't, not completely at least) and I was so lucky to have survived this far, whether it would've been from reckless actions or by my own hand, that perhaps there really is agreater purpose to my making it this far and writing this blog.
If it can help someone else please let it do so.
Knowing that's a possibiliy gives me stength, at least here and now, to persevere. Thank you for that from the depths of my being.
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Posted by Tony51203
on 2008-06-02 20:48:17
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