Note: This story is not meant to be taken seriously at all. It's a crack-short-story triggered by various factors including the fact that there are too many 6ft and taller Japanese men in Manga. Also, this is much funnier sounding when I tell with my voice in real life...


Once upon a time there was a short Japanese man. He was sooooo short that he only came up to 'bout your knee.

Once upon a time, there was also a Chinese farmer. One day, he was walking along when he saw the short Japanese man. The short Japanese man only came up to about his knee. He picked up the short Japanese man and put him in his pocket.

"Put me down! Put me down!" the short Japanese man shouted. "If you don't put me down, my brother, the big tall Japanese man will come after you!!!"

"Oh!" the Chinese man exclaimed, "The tall Japanese man who burned down our house last year! Now I'm definitely not going to put you down. I'm going to take you home so my wife can beat you."

"I'm hoooommmeee!!!" The Chinese man shouted when he got home, "And I brought a short Japanese man with me!!!"

"Why did you bring a short Japanese man home with you???" His wife demanded loudly (she was cooking dinner).

"Because! This is the brother of the tall Japanese man who burned down our house last year!"

"Is that so?" His the small and cute woman asked, coming out of the kitchen, cracking her knuckles while glowering at the now-terrified Japanese man.

...

The short Japanese man, with a bandage around his head and various other injuries all over his body went to his brother's house...it was right around dinner time. He knocked on the door.

"WHO'S THERE? There...there...there?" Boomed and echoed the loud voice of his brother from the inside of the house.

"It's me!" The short Japanese man shouted back, "Your brother!"

"WHAT DO YOU WANT? Want...want...want?"

"Oh come now, dear," came the voice of his small and pretty wife, "Invite your brother in for dinner."

"COME IN FOR DINNER...Dinner...dinner...dinner."

So the short Japanese man came in and told his tale of woe. "And then...she beat me!!!"

...

"I MUST GET REVENGE FOR MY DEAR YOUNGER BROTHER...Brother...brother..." The tall Japanese man boomed decisively as he walked down the dirt road the next morning.

"Must you echo like that, dear?" The tall Japanese man's wife asked him, "You're frightening the villagers."

"It is my AURA of GREATNESS...Greatness...greatness...greatness...It intimidates me ENEMIES...ENEMIES...Enemies...enemi--" The Tall Japanese man found himself stopped by the end of a large radish stuck in his mouth...and the Chinese farmer on the other end holding it with an unimpressed look on his face.

The Tall Japanese man, with a growl and a crunch, shattered the daikon with one bite. "You beat up my BROTHER...Brother...brother...!!!"

"No I didn't," The Chinese man replied innocently. ".......My wife did."

The Chinese man's wife walked out of the house, wiping a pan, and waved to them, smiling cheerfully.

The Tall Japanese man blinked at her. "At any rate..." he grumbled. "I must get REVENGE...Revenge...revenge..." (Because Asian people love to get revenge.)

"But you burned down our house last year!!!" The Chinese man shot back accusingly.

The two decided they would have... A MANLY DUEL TO THE DEATH!!!!...But then reconsidered since if either of them died their wife would have no source of income...so, instead, then decided to have a contest!!!! ...of...PLOWING!!!

So each of the two men got behind an oxen attached to a plow. The oxen chewed the cud boredly and took their time walking as the two men shouted and grunted and pushed with all their might.

"Man..." said the wives, "Look how hard they're working. We should just have the men pull the plows."

So the men pulled the plows and the oxen got behind them. The oxen left and both men grunted and pulled and ran around the field as fast as they could. At the end, they both collapsed in exhaustion------it was a tie.

"Well..." they decided, "I suppose now our wives should have a contest...of who is a better wife."

"Dear!!!!!" DX Both wives exclaimed at them in anger and shock.

So they decided the two women would have a cooking contest...since they were both terribly hungry from plowing all day.

The Chinese woman used some ingredients that were just lying around the house. The Japanese woman went out and bought the most expensive things. The Chinese woman cooked up a brown-ish looking thing. The Japanese woman created a small and beautiful dish that looked too good to eat. However, the Chinese woman's food was the most delicious!

"My cooking is the most delicious!" The Chinese woman said.

"But my cooking is the most expensive!" The Japanese woman said, "And it is not bad tasting either!"

So it was decided that this too, was a tie.

Now invigorated, the tall Japanese man and the Chinese man decided the have an ARM WRESTLING CONTEST!!!

The Tall Japanese man grunted. The Chinese man grunted. They both pushed...and pushed...and...KRA-CK....the table broke. "You're paying for that." The Chinese man said quickly before the Japanese man even had time to protest.

Finally, the two of them decided that they would have... A POETRY CONTEST!!!

"Ah, this should be easy!" The Japanese man said confidently, "I was trained in the fine art of poem writing, unlike this uncultured fellow over there."

However...unknown to the Japanese man...the Chinese man came from a long line of poets, but the Chinese man said nothing.

The Japanese man started to sketch out an outline for his poem. The Chinese man told his wife to bring him a jar of wine.

"Fine...>>," the Chinese wife grumbled, "But just this once, dear."

The Japanese man wrote one Kanji. The Chinese man started to drink the wine.
The Japanese man finished the first line. The Chinese man continued the chug the wine.
The Japanese man finished the second line. The Chinese man continued the chug the wine (his face was starting to turn rather red).
The Japanese man continued onto the third line. The Chinese man looked like he was about to burst but he continued to chug the rest of the wine.
The Japanese man finished the poem with a flourish of his brush. The Chinese man finished off the wine and put the jar down.

SUDDENLY! The Chinese man got up, picked up his brush, dipped it in ink, made what looked like a mess of unintelligible marks on the wall, and then passed out. When he finally came to, he took a piece of paper and a brush and...*

Wrote the most moving, most beautifully written poem the Japanese man had ever read in his ENTIRE life!

"Where on earth did you get this???" The Japanese man demanded.

The Chinese man pointed calmly to the wall, and when the squinted, the Japanese man could juuuust make out the characters that came out to the poem in his hands. The Japanese man was dumbstruck. The Chinese man had definitely won!

The Japanese man was sad and defeated. Meanwhile, even his wife had been won over by the Chinese man's wife's cooking.

"Oh, you absolutely -must- teach me how to make this cong you bing**!!! It's the most delicious thing I've ever tasted!"

THE END

*Chinese poets are famous for writing amazing poems by getting drunk and writing on walls

** ...um...I think they're called onion or scallion pancakes in English...