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Ruki and Hyde Need to go to KARIFORUNIA!

Once upon a time…Hyde and Ruki were sitting in a coffee shop in…Utah!!! And the guy with no-nose was there too (aka Reita).

Wait! But there are some things you need to know oh beloved reader~!!!!! Hyde is actually an alien prince from a planet that rivals the planet that Gackt is actually an alien…princess! From. Reita is also from another planet called the peaceful planet of no noses where the air is so foul (not dirty, just stinky), humans born there have no noses. Ruki’s just a normal person. He had a lot of low-self-esteem and internal conflict about why?? Why couldn’t he have as cool a past as Hyde and Reita…

So..Hyde and Ruki were sitting in a coffee shop drinking coffee. Hyde angrily shoved the cup down the counter. “I HATE COFFEE!!” he screamed.
“Um..sir,” said the guy behind the counter. “But you ordered coffee…”
Hyde looked lost for a moment then started screaming, “FUUUUCK!!! FUUUCCKKKK YOOOUUUU!!” at the guy behind the counter who was backing away frightenedly.

Meanwhile, Ruki had already drunk a cappuccino full of sugar and was dancing around on the bar seats. Not the counter. The seats.
The no-nose guy smacked his face.
Ruki and Hyde were making such a ruckus that people in the shop were starting to get scared and leaving. Then the shop owner got angry because they were scaring all his customers away. He started shouting angrily at them. The no-nose guy decided it would probably be a good idea to leave before the shop owner called the police. He dragged Ruki and Hyde out of the shop with Hyde kicking and screaming, “FUUUUUCCCKKKKK!!”

Wait! But you ask, why are they in Utah?? Well, you see, my dear wonderful reader, L’arc~en~ciel and GazettE were on their way on an airplane to California, to perform a concert! However…on the way, they plane broke down and somehow went past California. They band members all jumped out while still over California, taking all the parachutes with them…so unfortunately, Hyde and Ruki who didn’t know where they were and also didn’t have any parachutes just sort of stayed on the airplane. The no-nose guy kind of stayed to keep them from getting themselves killed. And the plane crash-landed in the middle of Utah!

So they decided that they needed to—Hyde was standing in the middle of an intersection wondering where he was while many cars honked ANGRILY at him. Just then, his tamagotchi beeped. He sat down in the middle of the intersection and happily played with his tamagotchi. Finally, the no-nose guy dragged him out of the intersection, and the cars went on their way.

After that little incident they decided they needed to walk to CALIFORNIA~! Not catch a bus, not get on another plane, but WALK. Because they decided it saved the most money. They needed money to buy their ridiculously expensive clothes, you know. And in Ruki’s case. Eye shadow. LOTS of eye shadow.

But…they didn’t know how to get to California . As they sadly walked down the sidewalk, they bumped into a CRAZY MEXICAN MAN, who was squat and fat, and appeared homeless. They decided to ask him for direction.
“Ano…California wa doko?...”
“Que???”
Somehow though…deep in Hyde’s Latin American genes (because he is, you know…what? We didn’t tell you?...)

Hyde’s real name, lovely reader, is Jose Lopez. He’s just called Hyde so no one knows that he’s actually not Japanese. He named his son Pablo Lopez, for some strange reason. His wife very nearly committed suicide because their son’s name was so HORRIBLY Latin American. But Hyde felt a deep tugging in his soul. He felt he MUST name his son, Pablo Lopez…and this is why…

Deep in Hyde’s Latin American genes was the ability to speak the most perfect Spanish in the world. He carried on a fluent conversation with the crazy Mexican man, and found all the directions to California. And…he also found out that…they were actually LONG LOST TWIN BROTHERS!!! IDENTICAL twin brothers…somehow…even though the crazy Mexican man was ugly and stout and Hyde was thin and handsome. Also, the Mexican man’s name, was Pablo Lopez.
“Mi hermano!!!” They cried, happy to be reunited again!
At that moment, Ruki asked, “Hyde, how can you speak Spanish?”
And suddenly Hyde couldn’t speak a word of Spanish anymore…but at least they had the way to California.
“No! Wait! Come back!!” Pablo screamed to them in Spanish. “My brother!!!” but unfortunately no one could understand him…It was very sad.

So, they were on the way to California…but took a wrong turn ended up in…TEXAS! Where the wandered long in a barren desert… Where there were stereotypical bleached cow skulls and cactuses…and just at that moment! Hyde’s tamagotchi ran out of batteries!!!!
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” Hyde cried out in agony. “FUUUUUUUUCCCKKKKKKKK!!!!”
Ruki decided they must mourn Hyde’s tamagotchi so he started playing out one of his sad depressing songs on a violin that he pulled out of nowhere and out of the violin came out all of the drums and guitar sounds…somehow. It was Brooke(from One Piece)’s violin, which obviously has the power to play epic pirate metal just by drawing the bow slowly across the violin.

Just then, a cowboy rode by, who couldn’t understand what they were saying, but it sounded beautiful to him. “They’re speakin’ in tongues!” he exclaimed excitedly. “They must be angels. I must get da preacha’.” And he quickly rode off into town, leaving they Japanese singers to play their dirge of the tamagotchi.
Some time later, the cowboy returned with the priest. “Oh, Lordy, they be speakin’ in tongues!” the priest exclaimed…until he noticed Ruki’s massive amount of EYESHADOW. Then he screeched, “AAAHHH!!! It’s a demon!!!” and he threw all his holy water at Ruki…but obviously nothing happened.
“FUUUCKKKKK, FUUCCKKK!!” Hyde screamed, scaring the priest and the cowboy away. And this was when they made their EPIC getaway. It was SO EPIC that Through the Fire and the Flames by Dragonforce started playing, and they rode horses that were there just to be epic…but the moment the song ended, the horses disappeared because they were just there for epic effect. And they were in Kentucky, because that is where horses are.

Then they were hungry…so they went to McDonalds. “Eewww, no,” said Ruki, “This is why Americans are all obese.” And sitting outside of McDonalds, was Fatman! (who is like Batman, but fat and round) Little children were all crowding around him cheerfully, going. “Yaaay~~! Fatman!!”

So they went to a subway instead…where there were mean angry Indian people. They walked in, and the Indian people, rolled their eyes. “Oh great,” they said, “Japanese people.” And they started being angry at them, for no apparent reason.
HOWEVER, the no-nose guy, being an alien could speak…Punjabi? Hindi? Whatever the different dialects the Indian guys all spoke. They were all amazed and happy and treated them all nice…Ruki, Hyde, and no-nose guy sat down to eat and fill their hungry stomachs…but just then, the Indian guys decided to be angry and hate again for no apparent reason, and kicked them all out of the subway.

Where they landed in a parade, because coincidentally, it Memorial Day in Louisville. Ruki looked cool and weird so everyone just assumed he was supposed to be in the parade. But they kicked Hyde out. Because he looked too much like a normal Asian—er—Latino man.
“FUUUUUCKKK!!” Hyde screamed, “Why do you get to be in the parade and I don’t???”
“Duh,” said Ruki, “I can dance SLIGHTLY better than you.”
“OH YEAH??” Hyde shouted, “Let’s have a dance off!!!”
So Ruki and Hyde had a dance off the entire length of the parade, neither of them dancing to the beat of the music, or even to each other’s beats. No one was too shocked, they thought it was just part of the parade.
Just then, there happened to be a band of Otaku from the local college…fangirls, to be specific. “HYYYYYYDDDEEEEOOOOO KUUUUUUUNNNNNNN!!!! RRRUUUKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII” they screamed, and promptly group-tackled the two singers.
“AAAHHHH!” screamed Ruki.
“FUUUUCCKKK!” screamed Hyde, and whipped out his pepper spray!...which he carried for times of emergency…like this. “I feel kind of like a woman doing this,” he says wryly, then sprays one fangirl off his face. Then, Ruki and Hyde made their GETAWAY!!!

They ended up in front of Dairy Castle, the icecream shop that sells the best banana milkshakes in the world. They felt hungry, so they bought icecream…then remembered, they needed to get to CALIFORNIA.
So they went to a horse ranch to try and find horses to get them to California. They reached a pony ranch. Somehow, they owner of the pony ranch, was none other than Hyde’s LONG LOST IDENTICAL TWIN BROTHER, Pablo Lopez. He had relocated here…somehow.
“Mi Hermano!!” he shouted, gleefully, and stretched out his arms to give his brother a welcoming embrace…
…
Except Hyde didn’t understand anything he was saying, and gacked.

“You called?” Gackt asked, appearing apparently out of nowhere.
“Aaahhh! Gackt!” Hyde exclaimed. “What are you doing here??”
They talked for a while, then the no-nose guy reminded Hyde. They needed to get to CALIFORNIA~!

…but no one could speak Spanish!...then they wondered…if they hit Hyde on the back of the head hard enough, maybe…
Ruki and the no-nose guy hit Hyde on the back of his head as HARD AS THEY COULD!
“Ay!” Hyde exclaimed. And found he could speak Spanish again. So he had a nice short reunion with his brother and then they got ponies to get to CALIFORNIA~!
The ponies were the fastest EVAH! So they reached California in five seconds!

…but wait? You ask? Wasn’t the concert already over after ALL THIS TIME?? It was indeed! The rest of the bands had to go on without their lead singers! GazettE just played a lot of music without Ruki singing or the no-nose guy screaming. Poor Tetsu was doing backup vocals for NOONE. It was a sorry situation. At the end of the concert, the fans turned into an angry mob.
“Where is Hyde? Where is Ruki? Where is Hyde? Where is Ruki?” they chanted.

When Hyde, Ruki, and the no-nose guy finally arrived, they decided to give an apology concert for the fans…except Hyde could only speak Spanish, say ‘fuck’ in Spanish, and say ‘fuck’. So he sang a weird combination of those and confused EVERYONE.

Backstage, they decided, they had to make Hyde be able to speak Japanese again. So they all hit him as hard as they could. Then Hyde could only say ‘fuck’.
“Fuuck?...” he asked cutely.
“AGH! NO!” the no-nose guy groaned at him. “Now that’s just disturbing!”
They all hit Hyde on the head again. Then he could speak Japanese again, and they gave yet another apology concert.

Later, they were all eating lunch at another coffee shop. “I wonder why Hyde is so much better looking than his LONG LOST IDENTICAL TWIN BROTHER…”
Just then! Scientists burst into the room! “We stole Hyde and Gackt at age 1 from their families and injected them with the drug of SEXINESS! To make them the best rock singers in all Japan!”
“Psh…” Ruki frowned, and sipped his drink. “You call those rock singers??”
“Well,” the scientists sad sadly, “They were FAILED experiments… BUT YOU!”
“Me?”
“YOU RUKI, are our successful experiment!!!”
Ruki was amazed and slightly flattered.

…but the real question is…how is Hyde an Alien and Mexican?...Well, you see, an earthling woman was impregnated with Hyde and Pablo, some time ago, and Hyde and Pablo were injected with something that made them able to adapt to whatever culture they were born in. And they were put into a Mexicana.

…or is that the real answer?...we may never know.
Then L’arc~en~ciel and GazettE flew back to Japan.
The End.