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Metal and Hate

Yesterday, Corinna gave me music from a Taiwanese Black Metal band called Chthonic. They sing about Taiwanese myths and gods and carry the message about being separate from China. It’s a political message. They believe that all rock bands should carry some sort of important message even if it’s not the main point. They even got banned from China because of their anti-Chinese lyrics. I think they are really awesome for that.

I went to the Christian book store to hunt for gifts for Toromwe’s graduation party. She wants to go to Spring Arbor. I’ll miss her. She’s one of those friends I feel like keeps me alive. While I was there, I looked through a lot of CDs. I was really amazed to find so much metal, even black metal and death metal \m/. Demon Hunter was the first one I saw, and then I also saw POD, and Pillar, and another band that’d heard of but didn’t know was Chrstian (no wonder they sell 12 stones there >>). Then I found another band that looks good called Soul Embraced and I’m looking for some of it’s music. X3 It was so freaky awesome to be standing in a Chrstian store holding a CD cover with a friggin zombie on it.

I really hate talking to my parents and I hate telling them stuff. But it’s really hard to act like I don’t care about anything when I really do care about things. I really hate arguing with them and I really hate how much they can’t stand me. I hate how biased they act towards me and the act like they care in all the wrong places at all the wrong times. I hate how they don’t let me explore things that I want to explore and how they make me feel guilty all the time. Now I know why some kids can’t wait to get out and away. I don’t think I’m quite at that point yet, but it’s getting pretty close.

I really want to die this time. I really really want to. I’ve wanted to before but I always got over it really fast. I really truly want to die this time. I’m not getting over it. Every day I can’t wait until I can find a good chance. But I can’t. Because I don’t have a good time or a good way. And I have to wait at least until school is over so that I can protect my siblings.

I want to get away and I want to have my own computer and I want to be free to think and ask and do some stuff. Maybe I can finally convince myself that I want to live. I hate everything and I hate living. I hate all the pressure that’s being put on me. I hate christians, and I hate girls, and I hate the stupid friggin school system and all the damn worried freaked out adults. And I hate all the teenagers for being so careless and immature and even more freaking idealistic than me. That’s really kind of sad.

And I mostly hate that I can’t tell anyone this at all. Not anyone who matters or can do anything or give me any advice anyway. If I tell anyone that matters, they’ll just beat up on me and try to make me hurry up and change otherwise I’ll become a horrible person or something. I hate how everyone’s always rushing me to become perfect. I’ll never make anyone happy. I can’t make anyone happy or satisfied. I want to just die because I can’t change that fast. I really hate it. I hate everything.