Hi.
I think I'll start some random blog online. So bear with me. I don't know you, you don't know me. In fact, am I erroneously assuming people will read my blog? Well whatever. People only write because its a form of catharsis. So... read my words. Or.. rambles. Or... scribbles of thoughts. Or.. worthless mutterings of some random girl. At least one of us will feel better afterwards.
Today is November 13, 2007.
I hate motivational shit. Whenever I read some motivational quote or passage, I adolescently roll my eyes and feel my skin irritate with heat. But oddly enough these motivational and inspirational words do affect me; deep down I take heed to those words.
"You must remain focused on your journey to greatness." - Les Brown
I guess I should focus at work. Sadly I am a walking oxymoron. Or am I an oxymoron without the “oxy”. (At least I have a sense of humor, sardonic as it may be.)
I’m sitting here in my gray cube pretending to work, when actually I’m spacing out and staring out the window. They say the color gray sparks creativity, hence… the gray cumbersome and maze-like office surroundings. All it does for me is spark my apathy.
Ronald is sitting in the cube across from me, and sadly as the cube walls only come up to my chest, (and I’m already short), I can hear every word that comes out of his mouth. And I’m a good 20 feet away. What the hell is he talking about? I hear him mumble some words, but still they’re indecipherable. My imagination runs rampant. So does my paranoia. Is he talking about me? Maybe since I friken space out and blog at work will he catch me? Suddenly thoughts that resemble scenes from the movie "Office Space" enter my mind.
FADE IN:
Empty field with dry grass. Three men loom towards a fax machine in the middle of the grassy field. *cue gangsta music* They all attack the fax machine, punching, kicking, hitting, swinging a bat at it until the fax machine is completely in pieces.
Man, I'm totally slacking at work right now. Completely random thoughts entertain and amuse me.
For example, every week the executive that is in the office has a meeting with one of his subordinates for about an hour. He always locks the door. No one else in the office locks their door while a meeting. I sit right in front of his office, so I can see all the traffic in and out of his office. Anyway, after about an hour or so they exit his office... and his subordinate always seems glowing and desheveled. They're both married. I amuse myself by entertaining the thought that their having an office affair... and having a nooner in his office no less!
Well, I shouldn't talk. I'm in a little conundrum myself. I'm in a loving relationship with a wonderful man. Our relationships is fairly new, but there's history between us - we've been friends for years. But before we got together I met a man... lets call him Jake. Jake and I met randomly at some work function. He works at another office in the state, so we don't work directly with each other. There was an instant connection.... so intense it was tangible, you could cut it with a knife. But, at that time he was in a relationship. After a few long phone calls, emails and flirtations over coffee, we stopped talking. I told him it wasn't right. We even almost went further, but he got lost on the way to my place... After an hour of him being lost my conscious grew and I told him he should go home to his girlfriend.
Fast foward to now.... Jake broke up with his girlfriend 4 months ago. Alas, the tables turned and now I'm the one in a relationship. After connecting again we recently had lunch. The attraction was there... probably even greater this time. Nothing went on but just us enjoying lunch... it was nice catching up with him . I noticed he was trying to fish about if I were still interested in him, but I didn't take the bait. I purposely avoided any comments or questions about Jake and I. Honestly, I am still interested in him. Seeing him was so good... and I felt so at ease with him. In fact lately I've been thinking about Jake alot. But I still love my boyfriend. I'm deeply in love with him.
Is it bad that I'm crushing on another guy?! I haven't crossed any lines, right? Just lunch. Nothing more. I remind myself that my boyfriend and I have something extremely special - and we do! But.. entertaining the thought of something happening between Jake and I ... its starting to invade my mind.
*sigh*
I better get back to work. Maybe it'll take my mind off of things for a while.
I hope I haven't bored you with my first entry. Was it good for you as it was for me?
- TPG
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