i dont know where to begin.. i know.. i am going crazy.  i keep hinting to my best friend, to my family, but nobody is listening.  my best friend, Jeena, says i need a break and to come over to her house (she lives 1-1/2 hours away), like that is gonna happen with 3 kids, plus i am sick of her right now..that is a bad thing to say, but she calls me 3-4 times a day...WHY!!!!! my nephew, who is 18 and has a new baby and a girlfriend who is a serious challenge to get along with..she and i have had our moments..well, his advice is to take a long hot bath..again..3 kids, plus what does he know about stress and being a mom... he is a new dad at 18!  his mother is on drugs..(my sister) and i rescued him and his girlfriend and newborn baby from the life my sister has shown him..living out of motels..doing drugs..and the funny thing is.. well, not so funny..his girlfriend comes from the same background.  so..long story short..they (doug, crystal and deandre..the newborn) all moved into my 3 bedroom house with my husband, my 13-year-old girl, my 7-year-old girl and MY newborn son.  that was an experience..anyway, they are now in their own apartment (that i found ) about 2 miles away...that is another story that i will probably talk about in the future..for sure.  anyway... i am totally stressed totally losing my mind...i cry everyday!  i cry everyday.  typing that and seeing that is making me cry right now..and damn it..i am about to turn 39...i should have everything in order in my life.. but NO..tina has to do it the hard way.  i have been married for 20 years..yes 20 years.. i have 3 kids... a 14-year-old asthmatic who is home schooled, a soon to be 8 year old girl and a 1 year old son!  and i am 39! i am a stay at home mom...and i also work out of my home.  well, i try.  i get up at 430 every damn morning...to work for 2 hours in peace...and then afterthat.. i have to fight my kids and my self to log on and work when i can. i am absolutely going insane. 

I woke up this morning, trying to look on the bright side of things..because that is what i do.. mom always smiles and tells jokes..aunt tina is always smiling and laughing.. well, aunt tina/mom cries a lot more than she smiles or laughs these days.  maybe this is my karma for things i have done in the past and not so recent past..i dont know. maybe itz hormones...i dont think women are supposed to have babies this late... i dont know..:-(  anyway.. i finally get up out of bed because i cannot stand one more second of my husband's snoring.. itz bad!  so itz 355am..i think..okay..i will make coffee, relax a bit.. look up on the internet about this "blogging" thing..and then start work.  deep breath in and deep breath out.  so, i turn the kitchen light on to make my coffee.. ANTS!  not just the typical 100 or so.. there were 1000's of them.. so... for the last 40-45 minutes, i have been cleaning up ants.  i still feel like some are crawling up my leg.. so now itz 520am and i havent even started work...but at this point, i really dont give a ratz azz... but the thing is .. my son will be up in about 40 minutes..he gets up at 6-630 every morning...and i have to get my husband up .. he likes for me to wake him up every 15 minutes an hour before he has to get up... what the hell is that?  my fault..i have done it for 20 years!  even when i would leave the house at 4am (before kids) i would call him 2 and 3 times from my job to make sure he is up... MY FAULT!  my oldest daughter doesnt know how to clean her room, again, MY FAULT..she was my first and i did everything for her.. i am tired.  anyway..i better get to work..and i am probably boring the crap out of whoever is reading... if anyone is reading.  is this blogging stuff therapeutic?  cuz, i really cannot afford the $25.00 copay at the doctors or therapist ..ya know!!!!