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Loaded dreams

My mood lifted a bit today. I wouldn't exactly say I am happy, just serenely calm. It feels better than it's been the past few weeks, in any event. I have been keeping a timeline of my sleeping patterns, for interest sake really. Before this weekend, I was averaging 5hrs and 25 minutes of sleep every night for 45 nights in a row! Some nights I stayed up all night, many nights 4 to 5 hours, and one or two nights of a bit more. But it averaged out ... This weekend, I slept a bit more. Well, not really. When I say I slept, what I really mean to say is that I drifted in and out of consciousness for longer than what has become, irritatingly, my norm. My dreams (those I remember, that is) are nightmarish. On Saturday I dreamed I was stuck in a burning building, with no escape. I was screaming, and no-one heard me. I could see my friends and family outside, and knew they thought I'd already died. I watched them turn and walk away, as the flames engulfed me ...

And then I woke up.

I've been working hard. There's too much to do. It's not easy for me to slow down and just "be". I have so much on my mind, and the thoughts don't stop. Even without the sleep, I have seldom worked this productively. I am achieving my goals, but I can see myself taking on more and more, as if I am invincible ... not because I want to overload myself, but rather because I want to experience all these things. So I do them. I love doing them. I find it all so exciting and energising, and even when I feel daunted (which I do sometimes), I just take on more ... I guess I'm a sucker for punishment. Except it's not punishment. It's what I call living life to the full, while I can, because I can - life is there to be lived, after all ...

I'm going running again later. I'm glad I started this journal. I have so much to say ...