TimStones

Life Rap

2008-05-23T08:56:43-04:00

Life is shit, I'm feeling like a bitch;
Wanna get my fix, but there's a little hitch!
I may not be an addict, but I think I'm going manic!
It's not quite automatic to say I'm telopathic.
Going round the bend, will it never end?
I finally realised what it feels to be alive!

Not quite dead - I have lost my head;
Give it to me baby, you just drive me crazy!
Feeling kinda hazy; don't you say I'm lazy!
Step inside my mind, won't you be so kind?
Say you wanna understand? Just think of sinking sand.
Wanna be a man, not an also-ran.
Wanna go to Heaven, I can hear it beckon.
What's the fucking deal? Just don't you let me feel!

So this is my rhyme, but I'm running out of time.
It's been real fun, now it's time for me to run!
I've always got the hope of a decent length of rope.
Don't be a dope! It's not like Coke!
Livin' life high - bye-bye. NO!
It ain't time for me to die!
Stop messin', learn your lesson.
Depression in recession? Huh?
I'm in prison doin' dissin'!

So come on everybody, why don't you suck your lolly?
I'm tired of being jolly. It's just another folly!
I'm going round the bend - this shit will never end.
So I'll say it now, "POW"!
I have no fear, don't slow,
There'll be another rime for this rhyme.
Have no fear.
I'm outta here.

Who I want to be

2008-05-23T08:53:50-04:00

I wasn’t in the room; I wasn’t even in the clinic that day.
But in my mind I’ve been there a million times since.
I’ve been there watching, breaking, wanting to rescue you.
In my mind I need to be a hero not a killer, the man who didn’t flee.
But I am not,
I am the man I fear to see.

8-word poem

2008-05-23T08:52:17-04:00

Sinking flying melting crying longing feeling holding dying ...

I think of you often

2008-05-23T08:47:32-04:00

I think of you often, I want you to know. In my thoughts always, wherever I go.

I think of you often, my heart filled with pain.
What once was important just isn’t the same.
I’ll hold you in heaven. That’s what I’ve been told.
Give all sins to God, but am I that bold?
You must want to see me, ‘cos hard as it’s been, I’ve turned to God. He forgave me my sin.

It’s thinking of you that gave me the strength.
To meet you one day I’d go to great lengths.
One day pain will fade, those helping me say.
Your baby forgives you. You’ll see him one day.

I think of you often, I want you to know. In my thoughts always, wherever I go.

"... and I'm painted black."

2008-04-29T08:19:44-04:00

Sometimes I am doing okay. Other times I could be better. My lows are very bad, and I get worried about myself. Somehow they pass, and I breathe more easily. I try to distract myself with things I enjoy, mostly playing with my son ... I haven't really been running for a week now, mostly because I had a cold the past few days, but also because I just wasn't in the mood. When I'm playing with my son, and he's laughing with me, I am happier than I am anywhere else. I wish those moments could last forever. But they can't. And I know that ...

I am not functioning very well at work. Difficult to concentrate and focus on what needs to be done. I am overwhelmed with tasks, some of which are frankly not part of my job description. People take advantage of my willingness to take on their responsibilities. Perhaps I think I can do the job better. Maybe I can. But we all have a limit, and I have reached my ceiling.

I slept 4 hours last night, and am averaging 5hrs 32 minutes sleep a night for the past 10 weeks. I spend the hours I am awake working, talking with my wife, watching movies, running, and playing with my son. I avoid most other people. I don't trust easily, but I guess most of us can relate to that. Having strange dreams the last month. Mostly a recurring dream of the mugging, and being burned alive. Stuff like that ... creepy. It feels so real.

I watched the movie "Once" on Sunday. This stanza, from one of the songs from the movie, struck a chord with me. I quote: "Falling slowly, eyes that know me, and I can't go back ... Moods that take me and erase me and I'm painted black. You have suffered enough, and warred with yourself. It's time that you won." These words have become indelibe in my mind. They speak to me, embrace me, and captivate me.

More positively, my manager of the British Deaf Athletics team emailed me yesterday, to say he will write more fully today hopefully, but he just wanted to say my last race was "a very impressive performance. Well done." It was timeous encouragement.

So there IS a benefit to not sleeping!

2008-04-11T07:15:13-04:00

Ok so here's the scoop!

My work performance appraisal went really, really well. For starters, they are making me permanent staff! This will be confirmed on Monday by the Board of Directors ...

I am getting a raise - much better than I'd expected, but not enough to offset the financial pressures. The thing is that they are giving me a pension, but only paying 11% of it. I must pay the remaining 9% out of my current salary (And 9% is more than my raise - so you see I am losing on this). They are also giving me 7% towards medical aid - which really is nothing, given what medical aid costs. At the end of the day, I am losing hard cash, but gaining a pension, and most importantly, job security. Win some, lose some, in this agreement it seems.

The big positive is that my effort was recognised, in that my "score" for the appraisal was 88%. My after-hours sport work was given a mark of 110% (maximum mark is 150%????!). The catch is that that is now the standard they expect me to maintain. That will be tough, as I worked my arse off specifically to ensure I got what I got today - a permanent contract. The divide the % by 10 to work out my raise, subject to approval of the Board of Directors - so I am getting an 8.8% raise, which is splendid.

To top it off, I have MORE work as a reward! Lol .... They want me to write a column (my own column!) on sport and deaf empowerment in the Institute's newsletter, as well as the local newspaper. They also want me to start a Marketing Task Team to support the CEO. Finally (and this is the cool part), they are so excited about what I am doing with the sport, they have asked me to look into starting a NID Sports Academy for deaf sports development! If this transpires, I will be running the Academy!! The CEO is very supportive of my athletics ambitions for Turkey and Taipei, and wants to support me. So - he has agreed to give me some money as sponsorship. He has agreed to double that IF it is supported by other sponsorship for a bigger deaf sports development initiative (in other words, of I can encourage other organisations to invest in deaf sports development, to get the Academy off the ground, the Institute will give me twice as much for Turkey, and see what they can do to help me get to Taipei). So this is a HUGE task for me, and it's going to be very tough - but if I succeed, I may just get to Turkey at least ...

The interview was meant to be just 20 minutes, but lasted almost 90 minutes in the end ... Was bombed.

End of an exhausting, but successful week

2008-04-11T07:09:29-04:00

Well, I got through my third and final teaching class this morning (lasted just short of 2-hours, all the time on my feet!). It was a good class, with great interaction from the students.

I must now prepare for my second teaching module, which is on the 23, 24 and 26th April. I realised as I went through this week that there are definitely a few areas for improvement, and I am going to work at these so that the classes are better next time round.

I also just finished, and submitted, my article on a Symposium I attended in November last year, for our internal newsletter. I am relieved that I have not missed any deadlines (!). Phew ...

This afternoon my wife's parents arrive for a 2-week stay. My father-in-law is bringing down a bicycle for me - my own bike was stolen a while ago, which was a pity, as it was a great bike, with 18-gears, and other gadgets to help with racing. This bike of Lisa's dad is much more basic, without any fancy racing aids, but it's a bike, and he's GIVING it to me (!), which is really cool, and I am grateful to him. I plan to use it to get to work and back - and in that way, save petrol. Lisa also will then have the car to get around more easily in the mornings.

I'll also use the bike to cross-train, to aid my running training.

Still have tons of work and planning for other work to do. I must make a start on these projects this weekend, otherwise there's just no way I will cope with it all ...

Loaded dreams

2008-04-08T10:39:04-04:00

My mood lifted a bit today. I wouldn't exactly say I am happy, just serenely calm. It feels better than it's been the past few weeks, in any event. I have been keeping a timeline of my sleeping patterns, for interest sake really. Before this weekend, I was averaging 5hrs and 25 minutes of sleep every night for 45 nights in a row! Some nights I stayed up all night, many nights 4 to 5 hours, and one or two nights of a bit more. But it averaged out ... This weekend, I slept a bit more. Well, not really. When I say I slept, what I really mean to say is that I drifted in and out of consciousness for longer than what has become, irritatingly, my norm. My dreams (those I remember, that is) are nightmarish. On Saturday I dreamed I was stuck in a burning building, with no escape. I was screaming, and no-one heard me. I could see my friends and family outside, and knew they thought I'd already died. I watched them turn and walk away, as the flames engulfed me ...

And then I woke up.

I've been working hard. There's too much to do. It's not easy for me to slow down and just "be". I have so much on my mind, and the thoughts don't stop. Even without the sleep, I have seldom worked this productively. I am achieving my goals, but I can see myself taking on more and more, as if I am invincible ... not because I want to overload myself, but rather because I want to experience all these things. So I do them. I love doing them. I find it all so exciting and energising, and even when I feel daunted (which I do sometimes), I just take on more ... I guess I'm a sucker for punishment. Except it's not punishment. It's what I call living life to the full, while I can, because I can - life is there to be lived, after all ...

I'm going running again later. I'm glad I started this journal. I have so much to say ...

Untitled poem

2008-04-07T09:38:46-04:00

The petals of the red rose fall gently to the barren ground,
and melt away,
just as the sun sets ...

Into the Beyond ...

2008-04-03T14:40:00-04:00

While I've kept a blog before, I needed a fresh start. I thought I'd write up my entries "neatly" first, before publishing them here. But then I thought, NO, surely that would defeat the purpose of a blog? And then I started thinking, well, what exactly IS the purpose of a blog? And I found I had no firm answer. I don't think there is any single defined purpose for a blog. For some, perhaps, it is completely arbitrary. I mean, everyone has a blog these days, not so!?

Anyway ... Here I am, once again, starting a new blog. I have decided that there is only going to be one ground rule for this blog: Write often, about anything and everything - and say it as it is. That is, as it is to me. The thoughts I am going to express here are my observations about life, people, some profound thoughts, and, perhaps, some thoughts fantastical. But they will be real thoughts. Real, because they are my thoughts. My feelings. My life expressed in my own words ...

Other than that, this blog will hopefully become an extension of me. I will write about my deepest fears, hopes and desires. Some thoughts I express will be controversial. Others will be utterly inconsequential. Throughout, all will be mine. The way I see things. Nothing more, and nothing less.

Today I have begun a journey into the crevices of my mind. I am excited to read what I find!