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| Well, now... just throwing every thought out there |
I just finished the book, "Orbit," and the plot is about a tourist who gets trapped alone in a tiny orbital space pod without any way of returning or communicating. He finds a laptop, and over the period of 5 days before he runs out of air, he types everything he can think of.. his happiest moments, his regrets, things he would change. He is brutally honest in his self scrutiny, but what he doesn't know is that a key-logger virus is downloading every keystroke to a growing audience on earth.
As I read, I understood the purifying nature of being totally honest with yourself... of eliminating the crap and excuses. I don't know if I can do that or not. I don't know that I trust the pseudo-anonymity of the Internet, knowing everything can ultimately be traced back. Maybe, if like the main character of the book I thought that nobody would read it for 50 years... But, no... there is no security from prying eyes that are intent not in just reading ones thoughts, but backtracking them to the source.
So, for today... I am tired of being depressed. I know that my anti-depressant meds are screwy now because we are dropping one and adding a different one... you never know how much a medicine is helping until you stop taking it and realize how much good it was actually doing. I have been weepy over anything and nothing in the 12 days that I had to go without it to clear my system... It is craziness, (no pun intended,)... I know that nothing is really wrong enough to justify my emotional reactions; I know that I have a wonderful home and husband; I know that med adjustment is causing the issue, but I cannot help it.
It mortally frustrates me to hear someone say, "Well, just get over it," or, "Get busy doing something productive and you will feel better," or, "pray about it... listen to some uplifting music.. " Don't these people realize that if I could just get over it I would? Does anyone with a fraction of a brain or compassion REALLY think that someone who is depressed WANTS to be depressed? Do those who encourage praise and prayer really think I haven't spent hours on my knees praying for deliverance from this curse? You know what I got from that? Bruised knees.
I am watching the titration days of my new medication... physical evidence that it will be 27 more days before my med levels are up high enough to help... 27 more days... the light at the end of the tunnel... I can do this.
I am not suicidal or anything, but I am so very tired. Sometimes I just lie in the bed, hoping I can fall asleep to make the time go by faster, thinking that maybe when I wake up I will feel better. It will happen... I am not sure when, but it will happen... maybe in 27 days.
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